Let's say we could peek in on a toilet summit taking place somewhere in the world, to see and hear what type of things are discussed.
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Okay people. Let's have a little order in the room... Please? I know you all have a lot of toilet talk to discuss... Good. Now I officially declare The Toilet Talks open
(loud raucaus applause and clapping)
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
The results are in and there have been some amazing strides in toiletry all over the world
(more raucaus applause and whoops)
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Give yourselves a big hand!
(still more racaus applause and clapping)
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Well...not quite everyone.
(booing)
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Now people! Let's be charitable here! Not everyone is as toilet-conscious as most of us
(booing)
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Um... It seems...that there have been some complaints from the public about a bathroom right accross the street from Buckingham Palace
(there are gasps throughout the room)
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Okay, okay...simmer down now... Is the representative from the Buckingham Palace Loo here?
(there is silence in the room)
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Mr. John I. Gotta Go? John are you in the room?
(a hand goes up very cautiously)
Oh good. You're in the room John. Is there some type of problem we can help you with?
JOHN I. GOTTA GO
It's not my fault!
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Now John. We're all in the same bowl, so to speak. Share with us, friend!
JOHN I. GOTTA GO
It's the darned horsies!
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Horsies?
JOHN I. GOTTA GO
The Buckingham Palace Guard horsies
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
What in heaven's name are you talking about?
JOHN I. GOTTA GO
Every day it's the same thing. I clean the bathroom and after every changing of the guard, the bathroom is full of - well - manure
(there is a hum of chatter among the crowd)
CROWD
hum-hum-hum-hum....
JOHN I. GOTTA GO
I swear it's the truth!
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Are you expecting us to believe that... It's just too incredible. Perhaps it's not horsie-doo. Maybe it's people who couldn't make it to the toilet on time. After all it is near the Burger Queen restaurant
JOHN I. GOTTA GO
Listen sir. If there's one thing I'm familiar with it's the smell of - excuse the expression - shit and I'M telling YOU that it's horsey-doo!
(there are gasps around the room)
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
I find this hard to believe
JOHN I. GOTTA GO
Okay. I swore that I wouldn't tell anyone but since nobody here believes me... Ahem... Actually, a couple of the royal guardsmen don't like to leave their horses tied up to telephone poles. You know how it is - kids wanna pet them...sometimes tourists climb on top t'take pictures. So they bring the horses with them with they pee - I mean, urinate. Now everyone knows. I hope the Queen won't penalize them or anything...
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Hmmm... I'll have to speak to the head guardsman about this. We can't have that type of behavior. We're trying to upgrade the toilet standards and horsie ka-ka is a no-no... Moving along...
A VOICE FROM THE CROWD
Hello? I have a confession. Hello? Sir?
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
Who wants to be recognized
A VOICE FROM THE CROWD
It is I, the representative from India. I too have a confession to make. The reason for the toilets over-flowing is not bad plumbing as I claimed. It is - a thousand pardons - sacred cow dung! They were imported cows from the United States and worth a lot of money to the owners. Their owners paid me five-hundred United States dollars! I'm bad - I know...
(there are gasps and boos)
(another voice pipes up from the crowd)
ANOTHER VOICE FROM THE CROWD
I too have sinned! There is camel dung in my stalls
TOILET MANAGEMENT EXPERT
It's gonna be a long day
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