One thing that can be said about Montreal at this time of the year is that things take a funny turn. It's all due to the fact that the annual "Just for Laughs Comedy Festival" comes to town along with the appearance of some of the best known stand-ups accross the world.
In the past Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, Jon Stewart and other famous or recognized "names" have made their name doing gigs "back when." This year William Shatner who is now as famous for his TV selling as his Capt. Kirk role, hosted a Gala comedy show as is Billy Connelly. All-in-all -Montreal bubbles-over with laughter and the place where humor rules. Pure entertainment and then some.
The names and comedians may have changed but the jokes and comedy are still the same with jokes that "slay." Here's a sampling of some of the best:"
"In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening."
"I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening."
"Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home."
(Alonzo Bodden)
"I was in college: I went to I.O.U." "I was studying psychology and then I went straight into therapy."
"Twenty five years ago there were no computers. Can you imagine your job without solitaire?"
(Wendy Liebman)
"Marriage is built on paranoia and mistrust. I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and she wakes up out of dead sleep to say where are you going? Why, to have sex with the midget I store in the medicine closet,"
( Tom Papa)
"If the food needed pepper, it should be on it."
(Michael McIntyre (a Brit) on obsequious waiters)
"I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a comedian. She said you can't do both."
"I was just at the airport. Those treadmills they've got are huge."
"My friend said you have to read this book, it's a page turner. Well, I know how books work." (Jimmy Carr)
"I'm proud of my grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Unfortunately this was in 1972, but you can never be too careful."
(John Moloney)
"In Dubai I got a throat infection and I coughed up phlegm and accidentally ordered a taxi to the airport."
(Sean Meo)
"You know you're fat when you drop something and say do I need that'?"
(Robert Kelly)
"In the German lottery, they don't pick six winning numbers. No, they eee-eliminate 43 numbers."
(John Moloney)
"Over 100 metres, crocodiles are faster than horses.. Don't know how many horses it took to prove that."
"Corn-fed, farm-reared chicken, good at tennis. I don't want to know about his childhood. I just want to eat the bloody thing."
(Danny Bhoy)
"People assume life in hell is hell. But they've got it all wrong. The devil looks on fondly on the sinners. He tells them: You've lied. You've cheated. You've stolen. Why, you've done the devil's bidding. Help yourself to drugs and hookers forever.' It's heaven that has to be the eternal bore."
(Jim Jeffries)
"Just caught CNN's Larry King and Britney Spears on the tube in a meeting of the mind."
(Dave Attell)
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