Oscars - same old, same old of the same

Along with millions of TV viewers on planet earth, I wait for the annual celebrity soup where actors hope to be rewarded for their work in films. The Academy Awards is an opportunity to see the latest designer fashions modelled by acctresses (and actors) who have primped and pulled and tucked weeks and months ago, in anticipation of this one night.

"Who are you wearing?" interviewers ask the celebs, to which they give a plug to the list of familiar/famous designers. The phrasing of this question has always left me puzzling. Not "what designer outfit are you wearing" but "who are you wearing." There's always this image in my head of designers clinging to bodies. But I digress.

There were some memorable moments, especially Sacha Baron-Cohen's publicity stunt when dressed as a dictator and holding an urn, he "accidentally" poured the contents on interviewer, Ryan Seacrest. Like that wasn't planned. Gimme a break! Then there was Angelina Joli looking gaunt and somewhat cadaverous flashed her skinny leg and JLo looking stunning as usual, had a questionable flash of nipple - maybe. The dress designer is denying that it was on purpose. Uh-huh...

In as far as the show itself, was disappointed in host Billy Crystal. The opening number featuring a melange of clips featuring Crystal as the various characters, was somewhat dated leaving a "been there - seen this" feeling. Don't know who wrote his jokes but perhaps he should consider cleaning house, although he did provide some laughter ad-libbing cracks later on. Adored Chris Rock and his short and definitely not long enough comments as a presenter. Note to Academy: get him as a future host!

Disappointed that George Clooney didn't win best actor award. He really deserved it and happy that Meryl Streep took home another Oscar. Also loved "The Help."

To sum it all up, the show was flat and lacked that spark of excitement necessary for an awards show or else it becomes a boring parade of celebs reading cue cards. My vote as mentioned before is Chris Rock.

Now you know: Madonna loathes hydrangeas

Really, I like Madonna. She's a great entertainer who gives her all whenever she performs. Having written that I was sort-of upset with her anti-floral comment made recently, following a bouquet of hydrangeas given to her by a fan. One would assume that a celebrity of Madonna's stature would be gracious and smile, thank the fan and then do whatever she wants with the flowers away from public view.

Right? Wrong!

Instead, upon receiving the flowers from the fan at the beginning of a press conference before her show and unaware that the microphone was on, the material girl commented:  "I absolutely loathe hydrangeas."

Okay Madonna - tell us what you really think!

She apparantly used the word "loathe." Not "I'm not too nuts about" or "they're not my favorite flower" or even go out on a limb and make a positive comment like, "what a nice gesture!" which would have been the  thing to do or say. She actually loathes them!  I mean, she could have just as easily said something to the effect, "Hydrangeas - I'm allergic," in the way of an excuse and then handed them over to one of her assistants or something, thereby eliminating hurt feelings. Am I right?

For the record she also added another little zinger aimed at the fan:  "He (the fan/hydrangea giver) obviously doesn’t know that."

Well Madonna and with all due respect, we humble human beings aren't made aware of all s*t*a*r*s* likes and dislikes that relate to flowers. True hydrangeas have large flower heads but therein lays their beauty - at least in the eyes of some of we flower lovers. She could have smiled, thanked the person who gave them to her and ordered somebody from her entourage to give them to a hospital to brighten a patient's room, don't you think? Can you imagine how delighted that patient would be if a bouquet of flowers arrived in their hospital room with a note attached signed, "Your friend, Madonna"?

Later, according to an article, Madonna's press rep told CNN that she is “entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the hydrangeas of the world ... No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers."

Once again this leaves one (me) to wonder what type of flowers are acceptable in her eyes? Anybody know? Anybody care?

These days a celebrity has to be careful of what she/he says with YouTube ready to capture the moment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-45U8RYhOH0

Now you know. No hydrangeas for Madonna.

Time to vote people! National Lampoon sponsoring 1st Nat. Lampoon Twitter Awards!

Seems that for whatever reason, as they themselves say: "just because" , National Lampoon is holding its first Annual National Lampoon Twitter Awards. Kind'a weird that National Lampoon is sponsoring Twitter Awards and not Twitter itself but then - why not. I mean, there are enough twits who tweet (yes - including moi before you ask).


According to the write-up on the NL site, the people or at least presumably a lot of the people at National Lampoon have in their words, "fallen in love with the Twitter Machine." They explain their attachment to the site due to "the amazingly funny and talented people on it."

The voting system will be broken down into categories, many of which - how shall one put it - are "different." Two rounds of voting will be held and in the first round currently open, they've offered some of their own suggestions on where to place your "X" or "Y"...or whatever. There is also a "other"square for write-in names at the end of each category. Round two begins on Tuesday, September 6, where the highest vote getters will be narrowed down.

"Our goal here is to honor the men and women of Twitter who fight every day to keep our country honest, stupid, and funny… because in any society, comedians are the truth-tellers, and we need truth-tellers now more than ever," National Lampoon opines.

In any case and for the record, I'm toying with adding a write-in for Bronz Zoo Cobra since there is no category listed for talented animals or escaped zoo denizens. After all - his (the snake) escape did make hisssssstory.

A list of the various categories and for people wanting to exercise their vote, let your fingers do the walking to http://nationallampoon.com/twitterawards

I'll be back to announce the preliminary winners. So who'd you vote for?



Dancing with the who? Pass!

Usually enjoy this show and the premise of well-known or people we've at least heard of, or seen their name in the headlines, dancing with professional dancers for our entertainment and votes. Just reading about the list of so-called stars chosen for this year's edition.

Stars - did I say stars? Not!

The only real personality (not star) is Kirstie Alley but in as far as the rest are concerned: who the heck are they and where did they find them? Read a while back that David Cassidy, he of Partridge Family fame, was slated as one of the non-professionals but he must have backed out. Not surprising given the unknown status of the participants.

For example: anybody ever heard of Chris Jericho? No? FYI - he's a wrestler. Or how about:

Petra Nemcova Who? me neither but she's a model.

Chelsea Kane, a star on the Disney channel. How do you say, searching for a younger demographic?

Mike Catherwood - Mike who?

On top of which, the always popular pro dancer, Derek Hough, is sitting this one out. Again, don't blame him.

This is one of the most boring line-ups since the show began. Guess some of the big(ger) names were too busy or something... Neh - gonna sit this one out.

The Academy Awards, same-old, same-old with new hosts

I saw, I yawned and then I gave up. That about sums up the experience last night. For the record, I'm all in favor of changing hosts but not for the sake of changing hosts. They have to have some talent at hosting and propelling a show along. Unfortunately, Anne Hathaway and James Franco, IMHO, did not do it, at least for me. Actually, Hathaway did a decent job and put in a valiant effort but unfortunately was held back by a very stiff and bored-looking, Franco, who seemed as if he wanted to be anywhere but at the Oscars. However, maybe that's his personna. I dunno but he's good on General Hospital, where he makes guest appearances from time-to-time. Then again, on a soap opera they can do re-takes until an actor gets it right. Too bad they couldn't do the same for him hosting the award show. Even when he came out dressed in drag and instead of using the opportunity to ham it up, he was merely...James Franco along with a painful expression on his face that said: "okay - I did what they wanted. Now can I leave?" Perhaps somebody should have granted his request. I read that they wanted young co-hosts that could attract a new and young audience, which is all well and good and understandable. Seems that Franco fit the bill in one way at least, providing tweet updates and photos as the show dragged - and that it did - via Twitter. However, one - me - must ask if that's enough to carry an awards show. Not IMHO. The powers-that-be obviously believe that, though.

In any case the best part at least for me, is the pre-show or red carpet, when the actors are interviewed. Love the fashion parade which has turned into an opportunity for designers to display their work, which in turn is worth big $$$$. Strapless is still the way to go this year. This year on the whole, the fashions were stunning. Can't really pick one designer above all the rest but I do love Valentino and his vintage dress worn by Hathaway. Mind you, Hally Berry in Marchesa was breath taking as was Gwynth Paltrow dressed by Calvin Klein, Mila Kunis in Elie Saab, Celine Dion looking trim-and-slim in a Giorgio Armana frock. One of my favorites was Mandy Moore in Monique Lhuiller - wow!

Once the show began, it was a steady downhill slip until Billy Crystal showed up, greeted with a standing ovation no less, displaying the showmanship and finesse from honing his craft over the years and what an Oscar host is supposed to be like. Bring back Billy! Or if he doesn't want to do it, Ricky Gervais. Actually found the entire show borrrrrrring - and quit half-way through. What happened to musical numbers that included dancing and singing back in the days of yore? While we're on the subject of music, I never heard of any of the nominated songs from the films. Did you?

Why-oh-why do the winners have to go on-and-on-and on...thanking everybody that they ever met during their entire life time? We viewers really don't care! Thank a few key people and then good-bye. It will cut the actual time the show finishes by half.

All that being written, will I watch it next year? You bet. What and miss the opportunity to critique the fashion statements and the endless speeches?

I'm a Twit - you're a twit -we're all a-Twitter!

Some thoughts about Twitter. My motivation for signing up was because – well – it seemed like the logical thing to do since the hot and not-so-hot celebrities are there. The idea in as far as I can tell, is to follow people in the hope that they will follow back.

Why?

So that you can accumulate “followers” and increase your numbers – in the numerical sense of course. Why increase your followers? Not quite sure but presumably this has boasting rights i.e. “I have 20,000 followers and I’m popular as you can tell!” Judging by some of the requests to follow me, a lot of the Twitter-ites – I like to call them Twits – use the service as a means to promote their latest book releases, business, services. In fact I have to confess that I have rejected the friendship of people willing to perform live on web cam, sell me a service that is overtly financially favourable to them solely.

A really annoying factor on a personal level is the limitation of bytes allowable to make a statement. The real concept behind Twitter is to communicate a logical thought by texting from wherever the Twit is located i.e. bus, bathroom, movie theatre, dentist’s office, giving birth, etc. etc. using abbreviations. Something to the effect:

“Drnkg cafe @ frnds hse” or “Shpg @ Wlmrt” or “’m givg birth – fckg (universally known and recognized bad word) pain!” – the challenge is to communicate without getting the dreaded Twitter red minus sign indicating exceeding the byte allotment, which means a complete revision of the sentence/thought to avoid its re-appearance. Being a Twit ain’t easy!

Actually, in its favour, Twitter has brought me close to some celebrities in the cyber sense. Now me and Yoko Ono are friends, she told me so in a personal tweet, in addition to David Peck who stars on the TV show, “V” and my biggest celebrity friend, Gov. Arnold Schwarzneggar, who updates me regularly about California even though I live in Canada, and I'm receiving spiritual advice from Deepak Chopra. Also following me because I follow them is Fawlty Towers DVD, OK Magazine, the Rock of Ages musical (because I’m dying to see it!)...and so many other interesting whoevers and whatevers! Where else could we have a brush with almost-fame but by being Twits? Not to be overlooked are the people who want to make me rich if I invest more than Twitter updates with them.

Let’s follow each other. I mean, don’cha wannna make more friends? I can be found as scriberess. You twit me and I’ll twit you back. Maybe.

Celine Dion to sing for hockey fans?

Quebec's (and the world depending on your view of her) very own chantoozy, Celine Dion, wants to own the Montreal Canadiens hockey club. To be more precise, Celine and her hubby, Rene Angelil.

Actually, Celine is one of a few group of interested/potential buyers but somehow her interest and possible ownership strikes me as funny. Then again, there are a lot of things strike me as funny... If she does acquire the team, does this mean hockey fans will be cursed.. that should read, treated to a selection of Dion songs during half-time?

Given her show-biz background and should she be successful, perhaps the Bell Centre, the Canadiens home arena, will be converted into a Vegas-style venue. Or they'll re-name it "The Celine Dion Hockey Arena for the Performing Arts or something like that.

The possibilities are endless...

Another addition to the family for Brad and Angelina

As part of their hourly commitment to each other, Brad Pitt and Angelina Joli have adopted celebrity, Paris Hilton.

"We've always felt that she needed guidance," Brad explained to Access Hollywood host, Nancy O'Dell. "Who better than us?"

The pair, through a mutually-acceptable representative, approached Hilton a month ago about the possibility of adoption. Although unreceptive initially, she relented last week and moved in after assurances that a house would be built specifically to accommodate her wardrobe.

"We love children and Paris is just a big, old overgrown kid," Pitt said. "Part of our house rules are that she has to text us which clubs she's at."

"Whatever he says," Angelina added, staring romantically in Brad's eyes. "I love it when he's so masterful!"

"We'll always have Paris," Brad said stroking Angelina's head.


HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!

HEATHER AND PAUL (OR PAUL AND HEATHER) back in court

And so the melodrama continues... Heather (McCartney) Mills and Paul McCartney were back in divorce court for yet another round of "he-did she-did" etc.

Paul McCartney arrived at the High Court in London ahead of his divorce hearing. The fight over the wealth of the former Beatle, who is estimated to be worth up to $1.6 billion(!), could result in Britain's biggest divorce settlement. According to media reports it could be worth between $20 million and £100 million.

Mills, 40, said nothing as she entered a courtroom at London's Royal Courts of Justice. McCartney, 65, arrived at court after his estranged wife. He (Paul) said "good morning" as he entered court carrying a black case.Divorce proceedings in Britain are heard in private, and the door of Court 34 carried a sign saying "No Admittance -- Strictly Private," according to the Press Association.

A media frenzy accompanied the couple's first court hearing in October as they tried to reach a settlement. Since then, Mills has fired her lawyers and lashed out at the media during television interviews, after sections of the British press portrayed her as a gold-digger.

Mills intends to represent herself, according to British media, at the expected weeklong hearings.McCartney, meanwhile, has kept silent about their split, with speculation that he is hoping Mills will do the same by signing a divorce settlement that will forbid her from talking about their relationship in the future.The terms of any settlement would not become public unless the case reached the appeals court.

The couple, who have a four-year-old daughter, Beatrice Milly, married in 2002 after meeting at a charity event.At the time of their split, they insisted it was "amicable" despite widespread reports of a tempestuous relationship between McCartney and Mills, an ex-model. In an emotional outburst in a television interview late last year, Mills said she had been driven to the brink of suicide by the media treatment of her.

"Eighteen months of abuse, worse than a murderer or a pedophile," she told British morning television."

This leads one to wonder why she had a child with somebody who is "...worse than a murderer of pedophile." While nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage, I remember a few years back when Heather and Sir Paul were guests on Larry King Live. Being an advocate of seals and land mines she went on...and on...and on... about how bad the Canadian government was especially one particular province's attitude towards the seal hunt. On his part Sir Paul said absolutely nothing but looked like he was very embarrassed and was cringing internally.

I also watched her on "Dancing With the Stars" and there is something definitely amiss (IMHO) with that woman. She is just not likeable. I think she was hoping that somebody - anybody - would use her as a guest star and her advocacy on behalf of land mines/seals etc. etc. or even hire her as an entertainment anchor. Nobody has and given the popularity of Paul, nobody will. She should quit while she's ahead, take the money she's offered in the divorce settlement and move on with her life. That's the best offer she's gonna get.

Surf on over here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tag/paul-mccartney-heather-mills for more details on the proceedings but also a juicy bit of info. about her affair while married to Paul.

TOM CRUISE EXPLAINS HIS THEORY ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY AS ONLY TOM CAN

Actor, Tom Cruise, as most of us are aware, is an avid-bordering-on-rabid follower of Scientology. Perhaps, if you've got some time on your hands - lots of time and patience - lots of patience - you might want to hear and maybe even find interesting, Tom rambl...discuss his views on it. That is, if you can make head-or-tails of what he's talking about. L. Ron Hubbard would be proud. Wonder who taped this.

Personally, I think aliens may have kidnapped him. Check out the intense look in his eyes as he goes on and on and...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svnmL2dWXRE&watch_response

By the way don't know who made this video or why but it still can be viewed by everyone/anyone and has not been removed.

Britney's folk not happy with Dr. Phil blabbing to media

Last week Dr. Phil, TV's answer to Jerry Springer, made a "house call" to visit Britney Spears when she was hospitalized for - well - freaking out. Of course being that anything related to Britney makes headlines and rather than receive praise for his effort, Dr. Phil has actually been villified by many as using the situation for his own purposes. For his part Phil didn't disclose any details of his one hour "talk" with Britney because he said that would be unprofessional.

O-kaaaaay...

However, he did make an overture extending an invitation to appear on his show and when that didn't work out he moved on to her parents, who also refused. Now the Spears family is mad.

"Britney Spears' family says "Dr. Phil" McGraw crossed the line by not keeping his mouth shut after making a house call on the singer last week. Lou Taylor, a business manager for Spears' mother, Lynne, and younger sister, Jamie Lynn, appeared on NBC's "Today" show Wednesday and said McGraw had betrayed the family's trust by talking to the media about Spears' mental health after showing up at the 26-year-old pop star's hospital room on Saturday for a visit.

"The family basically extended an invitation of trust for him to come in as a resource to support them, not to go out and make public statements," Taylor said. "Any statement publicly that he made, because he was brought in under this cloak of trust, (is) just inappropriate." Taylor said McGraw was invited to the hospital by Spears' family, but "he was not invited to make this part of a public display or part of the media."

This is really a somewhat surprising and amusing reaction coming from the family of a celebrity that will go to any length to attract the attention of paps.

"McGraw said earlier this week that he was shelving plans for a show on Spears' latest breakdown. He said Spears' predicament was "too intense" for him to go on with the show. Taylor said the syndicated TV psychologist broached the idea of the show to Spears' handlers, who eventually decided that such a show would be "detrimental" to the family.

Actually, there was no reason for Dr. Phil to comment on their meeting, period, or provide any background information. His blabbing to the media makes him out as an opportunist and somewhat wanting as a medical professional. Dr. Phil is/was a psychologist before he became...Dr. Phil, superstar.

"Mental health professionals also criticized McGraw this week, saying he went too far by showing up at Spears' room at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles as she was about to be discharged. McGraw fired back at his critics in an interview with "Entertainment Tonight" on Monday. "Somebody needs to step up and get this young woman into some quality care -- and I do not apologize one whit, not one second, for trying to make that happen," he said."

Oh well... Sometimes being a TV doctor-come-savior ain't easy.

DR. PHIL - PHYSICIAN HEAL THYSELF

I dunno... There was a time when Dr. Phil McGraw was first introduced to TV audiences as a guest on Oprah, he was a quiet, down-to-earth psychologist with a gift for gab. For what ever reason and probably his cute-sy, down-home personna/charm and southern drawl, he got his own TV show. However, as time went on and his popularity grew, there was a distinct change in his personna and his ego. It grew. A lot.

For the last couple of seasons he has turned into a pseudo Jerry Springer, encouraging people to cry and reveal all their deep, dark family secrets for everyone to see.

What happened to medical ethics?

He had already touched upon Britney Spears's problems in an earlier show, diagnosing and assessing her from afar. So it's not surprising that he showed up when Britney was hospitalized on the weekend. According to various sources he was asked to intervene by her parents (yes there is a daddy Spears!). He was reported to have talked with her for an hour and there was even a rumor that she could be a guest on his show.

Not.

Once that didn't work out, he turned his attention to the Spear parents. The latest word by the good doctor himself, is that the Spears family show idea has been cancelled because the situation is "too intense." To say the least but then it was "intense" before he tried to book a family member.

Although Dr. Phil's show has lots of viewers and good ratings, having any member of the Spears family on his show would have caused his numbers to go through the roof. Oh well... Just goes to show that even TV docs can't do miracles.

Meanwhile, after demanding to be released from hospital, there have been reports of Britney out and about with the new (and married) paparazzi friend, Adnan. Guess a girl hast'a do what a girl hast'a do.

BRITNEY HOSPITALIZED - THANK GOODNESS!

Well...the inevitable occured and Britney Spears, the once-was-normal-pop-singer had a melt down in her home and was hospitalized.

Thank goodness!

This might seem like a harsh statement but given her recent weirdness and irrational behavior of late perhaps - just perhaps - the medical community will give her the help she needs. That is if she wants and accepts it.

The reason for the breakdown according to news sources is her reluctance to part with her children. According to AP:"The 26-year-old pop star was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, Entertainment Tonight reported on its Web site Friday. Cedars spokeswoman Simi Singer said she could not confirm or deny the report, citing patient confidentiality laws. Officer Jason Lee of the Los Angeles Police Department told City News Service that Spears appeared to be under the influence of an unknown substance. He declined to elaborate. No injuries were reported. Spears was conscious late Thursday when paramedics took her out of her home in a gurney. Several police cars escorted the ambulance out of the neighborhood, followed by dozens of celebrity reporters. Officers were called to Spears' house around 8 p.m. to respond to a custodial dispute with ex-husband Kevin Federline over their sons, 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, Lee said. By about 10:30 p.m., six police cars, two ambulances and a fire truck had entered the gated-community that includes Spears' house. Several police cars were seen in the area earlier in the night."

Interesting development in that her father, Jamie Spears, showed up at the hospital. Britney has a father? Go know! He certainly hasn't made himself available to her up until now. Spears turned over the children around 10:50 p.m., Lee said."

For more commentary (another word for gossip):http://www.perezhilton.com/ http://www.tmz.com/

Sad...

A CHEESY ELVIS SIGHTING

There have been Elvis sightings and miscellaneous reports ever since his death...or articles and reports of his death depending on the way one views it, over the years but this is a first.

A person believes that she sees Elvis in - wait for it - Stilton cheese. I mean - why not? Anyway - you decide by reading the story accompanied by the photo:

http://www.peterboroughtoday.co.uk/weird?articleid=3114338


Writers & Friends
www.jrslater.com/forum

A NEW VIEW FOR "THE VIEW"...BRITNEY AND THE BOTTLE

After the controversial departure of Rosie O' D and subsequent conjecture of who will be her replacement on "The View" it appears that an announcement is this close as to who will be taking over the vacant chair. The creator and co-host of the show, Barbara Walters, promised that fans will find out the chosen one before their summer break.

"We are going to announce later this week who it is," Walter said on her show.

Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Times reports over the weekend that the new hosts (note the plural factor here) will be Whoopie Goldberg (hurray!) and Sherri Shepherd (not familiar with her or her standup comedy).

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,291109,00.html

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BRITNEY SPEARS ON THE BOTTLE...IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING... AND THROWING

Speaking of celebrities... Seems that Britney Spears, singer and mom, who we are led to believe is trying to get her life on track again, has taken to the bottle. This time round it's not the usual Jack Daniels or designer vodka stuff but baby bottles, however she's not feeding bad stuff to her two tots. Seems the singer who appears to be doing everything but singing these days, tossed a baby bottle or more and threatened two photographers after they took pictures of her leaving a Las Vegas spa, the photographers said in a statement Tuesday.

She was heard to have screamed: "I am going to kill you!" at Andrew Deetz, a photographer who was allegedly beaten by Spears' bodyguard Thursday, they claimed in a statement released by their lawyers. What a surprise that the photogs, Deetz, 24, and Kyle Henderson, 23, said they are preparing to sue. The men were taking pictures of Spears, 25, as she and her children - 22-month-old Sean Preston Federline and 10-month-old Jayden James Federline - left the spa at the Wynn Las Vegas casino-hotel at about 11:30 a.m. local time, accompanied by two bodyguards. One bodyguard, Cesar Julio Camera, 37, pushed Henderson against a wall until Wynn security intervened and asked Henderson to leave, the statement said.

Rather than go into the borrrring details, read about it here:http://jam.canoe.ca/Music/2007/07/31/4383874-ap.html

There is no information as to whether the bottles were glass or the usual plastic but if they were plastic as is commonly used these days, how bad could the photogs been injured, anyway? Presumably, the run-in with Britney's bodyguards is at the heart of the issue but then again, they were doing what they were paid to do and that's to act in the singer's best interest. Too bad that those doing the same are few and far between. Quelle life Britney leads!


Writers & Friends
www.jrslater.com/forum

WELL-KNOWN COMEDIANS PLAY IT "JUST FOR LAUGHS" IN MONTREAL NO LESS!

One thing that can be said about Montreal at this time of the year is that things take a funny turn. It's all due to the fact that the annual "Just for Laughs Comedy Festival" comes to town along with the appearance of some of the best known stand-ups accross the world.

In the past Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, Jon Stewart and other famous or recognized "names" have made their name doing gigs "back when." This year William Shatner who is now as famous for his TV selling as his Capt. Kirk role, hosted a Gala comedy show as is Billy Connelly. All-in-all -Montreal bubbles-over with laughter and the place where humor rules. Pure entertainment and then some.

The names and comedians may have changed but the jokes and comedy are still the same with jokes that "slay." Here's a sampling of some of the best:"

"In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening."
"I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening."
"Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home."
(Alonzo Bodden)

"I was in college: I went to I.O.U." "I was studying psychology and then I went straight into therapy."
"Twenty five years ago there were no computers. Can you imagine your job without solitaire?"
(Wendy Liebman)

"Marriage is built on paranoia and mistrust. I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and she wakes up out of dead sleep to say where are you going? Why, to have sex with the midget I store in the medicine closet,"
( Tom Papa)

"If the food needed pepper, it should be on it."
(Michael McIntyre (a Brit) on obsequious waiters)

"I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a comedian. She said you can't do both."
"I was just at the airport. Those treadmills they've got are huge."
"My friend said you have to read this book, it's a page turner. Well, I know how books work." (Jimmy Carr)

"I'm proud of my grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Unfortunately this was in 1972, but you can never be too careful."
(John Moloney)

"In Dubai I got a throat infection and I coughed up phlegm and accidentally ordered a taxi to the airport."
(Sean Meo)

"You know you're fat when you drop something and say do I need that'?"
(Robert Kelly)

"In the German lottery, they don't pick six winning numbers. No, they eee-eliminate 43 numbers."
(John Moloney)

"Over 100 metres, crocodiles are faster than horses.. Don't know how many horses it took to prove that."
"Corn-fed, farm-reared chicken, good at tennis. I don't want to know about his childhood. I just want to eat the bloody thing."
(Danny Bhoy)

"People assume life in hell is hell. But they've got it all wrong. The devil looks on fondly on the sinners. He tells them: You've lied. You've cheated. You've stolen. Why, you've done the devil's bidding. Help yourself to drugs and hookers forever.' It's heaven that has to be the eternal bore."
(Jim Jeffries)

"Just caught CNN's Larry King and Britney Spears on the tube in a meeting of the mind."
(Dave Attell)

Writers & Friends
www.jrslater.com/forum

PARIS FOLLOW-UP...THE BECKHAMS ARRIVE..."LITTLE BRITAIN" - U.S. STYLE

Just when the world assumed or hoped, anyway, that they had heard the last of or at the very least had a rest from Paris Hilton, now comes word that she's being investigated for having special privileges during her stint behind bars...or the equivalent.

Seems that the Los Angeles County Sherriff's Department has opened an investigation to determine whether she received special treatment. To quote Homer Simpson: "doh!"

The internal investation will determine - wait for it - whether the heiress had access to a cell phone when all the other inmates had to wait in line to use your regular pay phones. As if this isn't bad enough they will also be looking into whether she was given a new jail uniform instead of a recycled one like most of the other inmates. Last but not least, they will be looking into whether she had her mail delivered by a captain given that most mail is delivered by inmate trusties.

Such crucial issues!


U.S. VERSION OF "LITTLE BRITAIN" COMING TO TV SCREENS

As an occasional viewer of the British comedy series, "Little Britain", which can definitely be described as naughty bordering on dirty, it comes as a surprise that there are plans to bring the series to this side of the ocean. The series that created the characters Vicky Pollard and "I'm the only gay in the village" Daffyd famous, will feature a mix of existing characters from their BBC shows and new ones who will depict contemporary America.

The series will be shows on HBO and actors Matt Lucas and David Williams will make it viewable for U.S. audiences in fall 2008.

source: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/television/news/e3i1d96f56a2f843689bdac29b52238ecb4


DAVID BEKHAM AND POSH SPICE TODAYS CELEBRITIES OF THE HOUR?

Since the arrival of Posh Spice and her (more famous?) soccer star husband, David Bekham, it's been non-stop photos of the couple who have arrived on this side of the pond. He's here to play for his new team, The Galaxy, while Posh plays...herself in a special about...Posh, "Victoria Bekham: Coming to America" and part of the Spice Girls reunion tour.


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HOMER TO VISIT SPRINGFIELD, VT...IVANKA SAYS "THANKS BUT NO THANKS" TO THE VIEW...NEW USE FOR CAVIAR

Being that it's summer and always a slow-ish time in news, what better way to spend idle hours than to catch up on some celebrity gossip or updates.

Still waiting to hear who the new host will be for "The View" and hoping that either Whoopie Goldberg or comedian, Kathy Griffin will be the new addition. Speaking or writing about The View, one person who is definitely not interested is Ivanka Trump, who reports in People magazine that "there's zero chance I would do that." Hey - works for me since I don't think she's out-going enough to handle the job. Maybe dad, though, would be interested.


It's official. The town of Springfield, Vermont, population 9,300 has been selected to show the premiere of The Simpson's movie on July 21. In selecting the Vermont town 13 other Springfields in the U.S. were reported to have commented, "d'oh" upon learning the news.


Some people prefer theirs on a wafer while others like actress, Catherine Zeta-Jones prefers her caviar applied directly on her hair for that extra-healthy look. Not only caviar but truffles too. Seems that the Beluga (no less) is flown in from Iran five days ahead of her salon treatments in England at a cost of £200 a shot. Let's hope she doesn't run into any cats.

News you don't need to might might want to know:

According to her blog, Tori Spelling is now an ordained minister. For her first...act as Minister Tory, she united "Tony and Dex as life partners in love."

SHE'S OUUUUUUT! PARIS & LARRY KING: THE INTERVIEW?

At time of writing - afternoon - Paris Hilton, she of the "orange-is-so-tacky" will be giving her first (but probably not last) interview with CNN's Larry King tonight. Guaranteed Larry will be asking her the really tough questions that he is known for, perhaps something like this:

"So Paris - tell us the truth. We heard you were constipated due to the lack of a balanced diet in jail. Is this true and if so, who do you blame?"

And she will answer:"Well Garry..."

"That would be Larry..."

"Oh yeah. All those names sound alike. Like I told all you media people, I've seen the light. Gawd - how could I miss it being on day and night and night and day..."

"Your diet, Paris?"

"Oh yeah. Well...um... Where was I? Where's my good book?"

"You mean your Bible?"

"No silly man! I mean, my black book full of phone numbers of my friends!"

"Now about the prison food?"

"Well Harry..."

"Larry...Larry! My name is Larry!"

"Yeah. Whatever... The food was blechy. Really blechy. Actually, it was the presentation that spoiled it all. My daddy - he's very rich y'know - my daddy always tells his chefs that presentation is everything. I mean, macaroni can look so much better when you - um - something like that. They should hire me! Maybe I can start a new career!"

"So Paris - the whole wide world - is waiting to know about the constipation issue. Were you or weren't you?"

"Excuse me camera people - are you getting my best side? Were I or weren't I what?"

"Oh Paris - you're a real riot, girl! Constipated!"

"Constipated? What does that mean? Why don't we stick to the important questions like my new hair shade. D'ya like it, Barry?"

"It's Larry, Paris!"

"Ohmygawd! You have the same last name as my first name! Isn't that like...so funny? Maybe we're related! Do you own any Hilton hotels? Are you sure you people are catching my best side?

Something like that.

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TURNING THE CAMERA ON MICHAEL MOORE: NOT SO NICE

One thing for sure: wherever and whenever a Michael Moore film is released to the public, controversy follows. There is no denying that this is a documentary film maker who excels in getting the public to pay attention and then get them into the theatres, whereupon he presents his view of the subject at hand. For many people, therein lies the problem. As Moore himself has stated that a documentary film maker presents a point of view, period.

There is some irony in that the film makers - Debbie Melnyk and Rick Caine are Canadians and in their film "Manufacturing Dissent", they turn their lens on Moore himself.The embryo for making their film is intriguing in that it started out as an attempt for the duo to speak with Moore, who at that time was their hero when it came to making doc. films. However, Moore for whatever reason, had no interest in talking to them. Not such a good idea since they ended up making a movie examining Moore and the validity of his methods in acquiring and using background information for his docs. Also interesting to note the content for their film was not acquired through Moore himself but through friends, former friends and colleagues.

Read the interviews and then go see the film. I plan to.


Trailer for film on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3IUU7a4wB0


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