It's another one of those news pieces that make you wonder "what in the hell were they thinking?"
A scottish brewery used dead squirrels with presumably empty stomachs or at least empty for the most part, to promote their latest beer. Why? Because they could, one supposes. The beer in question that goes by Brew Dog, which is reputed to be the strongest and most expensive beer yet, sold out within hours of its release.
The brew contains a record 55% alcohol and animal advocates are not impressed and condemned the stunt. No kidding! The initial run was packaged in 7 dead stoats, 4 squirrels and a rabbit. A stoat for those of us who are not familiar with this animal, is a small animal or ermine. The beer could become a collectors item given the price of (Can. $800 - U.S.$1000) per bottle. You really have to like beer to pay that price.
Here's a photo of the beer and the beer holder: http://www.cbc.ca/consumer/story/2010/07/23/con-brewdog-beer.html
Here's what a stoat looks like: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoat
"It's pointless and it's very negative to use dead animals when we should be celebrating live animals," Advocates for Animals policy director Libby Anderson told BBC Scotland. "This seems to be a perverse idea."
What next? Vintage champagne bottles in hamsters or shot glasses of vodka in gold fish? Gimme a break!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Study reveals no buzz from morning coffee
Once again, this is one of those "huh?" articles since a study focusing on coffee was done no less by Brits. Given the reality that Brits are known for their love of tea, it's sort-of - well -weird that they are involved in this type of research. Actually, and at least for me, the results are somewhat confusing.
Researchers working out of Bristol University found that drinkers develop a tolerance to anxiety-producing and stimulating effects of caffeine.
Uh - duh! This is not news, people!
Then the report goes on that caffeine only brings people back to baseline levels of alertness - not above them. Whatever that means...
According to researcher/scientist, Peter Rogers of Bristol's dept. of experimental psychology(!), although heavier coffee drinkers feel that morning caffeine high, evidence suggests that it's actually the opposite and instead they experience withdrawal and fatigue. So if we understand this correctly and it's not easy, that first morning caffeine upper so-to-speak, really is a downer and the reason for morning fatigue.
More information we perhaps may-but-not-necessarily need.
"The authors also found that the genetic predisposition to anxiety did not deter coffee drinking. In fact, people with the gene variant associated with anxiety tended to consume slightly larger amounts of coffee than those without the variant, suggesting that a mild increase in anxiety may be a part of the pleasant buzz caused by caffeine."
This could mean that people who come from families with somewhat nervous personalities or dispositions, enjoy coffee. At least this is my interpretation.
Anyway, more background info. can be found here: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/06/100602211940.htm
As a tea drinker, mainly, but a coffee enjoyer too, my first morning cup of tea and/or coffee is a necessity in spite of these - well - convoluted findings. There is nothing like the sensation of the hot tea/coffee liquid as it hits the stomach, circulates around the body and finally makes it to the brain. Right?
Researchers working out of Bristol University found that drinkers develop a tolerance to anxiety-producing and stimulating effects of caffeine.
Uh - duh! This is not news, people!
Then the report goes on that caffeine only brings people back to baseline levels of alertness - not above them. Whatever that means...
According to researcher/scientist, Peter Rogers of Bristol's dept. of experimental psychology(!), although heavier coffee drinkers feel that morning caffeine high, evidence suggests that it's actually the opposite and instead they experience withdrawal and fatigue. So if we understand this correctly and it's not easy, that first morning caffeine upper so-to-speak, really is a downer and the reason for morning fatigue.
More information we perhaps may-but-not-necessarily need.
"The authors also found that the genetic predisposition to anxiety did not deter coffee drinking. In fact, people with the gene variant associated with anxiety tended to consume slightly larger amounts of coffee than those without the variant, suggesting that a mild increase in anxiety may be a part of the pleasant buzz caused by caffeine."
This could mean that people who come from families with somewhat nervous personalities or dispositions, enjoy coffee. At least this is my interpretation.
Anyway, more background info. can be found here: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/06/100602211940.htm
As a tea drinker, mainly, but a coffee enjoyer too, my first morning cup of tea and/or coffee is a necessity in spite of these - well - convoluted findings. There is nothing like the sensation of the hot tea/coffee liquid as it hits the stomach, circulates around the body and finally makes it to the brain. Right?
Monday, May 31, 2010
Something still cheesy in England
Some of us, most likely most of us, think of cheese as a food to be eaten with crackers or perhaps a topping on hamburgers. "Normal" stuff. Then there are others who enjoy cheese on a roll, literally.
Approximately 100 people showed up at Coopers Hill, Gloustershire for an "unofficial" cheese race, even though it had officially been called off. The popular event attended by 15,000 people last year featuring people chasing a large chunk of cheese down a steep hill, was cancelled due to safety reasons. Thinking further, I suppose there could be a certain risk factor involved i.e. people watching from the sidelines getting injured by a runaway cheese. Or participants running into things on their way down like bushes or bikes or parked cars...
The cancellation hasn't been taken lying down or on the side and an official "Bring Back Cheese Rolling Group" has been initiated with more than 11,670 signatures. Some people really like their cheese.
Meanwhile, in another part of England (sounds like something out of a Monty Python skit), 5,000 people for whatever reason, attended the annual(!) woolsack race in Tetbury. The competition involves running up a steep hill carrying heavy sacks. Why do they do it? Probably for the same reason as people enjoy chasing cheese down a hill. Seems that this activity goes back to mediaeval times when men carried 60lb woolsacks and females carried 40lb woolsacks.
Finally, if this isn't enough to make you wonder, last but not least is the annual shin-kicking competition to take place this month. Really.
Approximately 100 people showed up at Coopers Hill, Gloustershire for an "unofficial" cheese race, even though it had officially been called off. The popular event attended by 15,000 people last year featuring people chasing a large chunk of cheese down a steep hill, was cancelled due to safety reasons. Thinking further, I suppose there could be a certain risk factor involved i.e. people watching from the sidelines getting injured by a runaway cheese. Or participants running into things on their way down like bushes or bikes or parked cars...
The cancellation hasn't been taken lying down or on the side and an official "Bring Back Cheese Rolling Group" has been initiated with more than 11,670 signatures. Some people really like their cheese.
Meanwhile, in another part of England (sounds like something out of a Monty Python skit), 5,000 people for whatever reason, attended the annual(!) woolsack race in Tetbury. The competition involves running up a steep hill carrying heavy sacks. Why do they do it? Probably for the same reason as people enjoy chasing cheese down a hill. Seems that this activity goes back to mediaeval times when men carried 60lb woolsacks and females carried 40lb woolsacks.
Finally, if this isn't enough to make you wonder, last but not least is the annual shin-kicking competition to take place this month. Really.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Music goes to the dogs
It's understandable how pet owners want to do everything to please the non-human elements in their lives but this is a doggone one for the record books.
Singer Lou Reed and wife Laurie Anderson, for whatever reason, will be putting on a concert at the Sydney Opera House for dogs as part of their "Vivid Live" festival, in June. According to news sources it will be a high-frequency concert created specifically for canine tastes but unfathomable for their owners. Ms Anderson who is a performance artist, has had practice entertaining her rat terrier, Lollabelle, for eleven years. Just wondering - how can one discern whether a canine likes or dislikes a particular musical passage. Anywaaaaay...
In the words of Anderson, "she (Lollabelle) likes things with a lot of smoothness but with beats in them. Things with voices and lots of complicated high-end stuff. Chk-chk-chk-chk-chk … that kind of stuff."
The event to be held in the morning, will be brief given the short attention span of canines. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 minutes or so. Since this concert is noiseless to humans, presumably owners will have to stare at their pet's faces and gauge the impact of the music. Something to the effect - pure speculation - a lot of twitches means excitement, a blank look on the face means it doesn't do anything for them or maybe they have to pee, drooling means they're really 'into it' or hungry... Go know! Thinking further about this, there is no information as to whether there will be any bathroom facilities for attendees. If not - this could be a problem. Perhaps somebody will supply fire hydrants or patches of grass. These are serious issues, people!
Music For Dogs adds to the avant-garde nature of a festival that includes improvised soundscapes by Reed's Metal Machine Trio, the Tuvan throat-singers Chirgilchin and tai chi classes, as well as more conventional acts such as the Rickie Lee Jones.
Singer Lou Reed and wife Laurie Anderson, for whatever reason, will be putting on a concert at the Sydney Opera House for dogs as part of their "Vivid Live" festival, in June. According to news sources it will be a high-frequency concert created specifically for canine tastes but unfathomable for their owners. Ms Anderson who is a performance artist, has had practice entertaining her rat terrier, Lollabelle, for eleven years. Just wondering - how can one discern whether a canine likes or dislikes a particular musical passage. Anywaaaaay...
In the words of Anderson, "she (Lollabelle) likes things with a lot of smoothness but with beats in them. Things with voices and lots of complicated high-end stuff. Chk-chk-chk-chk-chk … that kind of stuff."
The event to be held in the morning, will be brief given the short attention span of canines. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 minutes or so. Since this concert is noiseless to humans, presumably owners will have to stare at their pet's faces and gauge the impact of the music. Something to the effect - pure speculation - a lot of twitches means excitement, a blank look on the face means it doesn't do anything for them or maybe they have to pee, drooling means they're really 'into it' or hungry... Go know! Thinking further about this, there is no information as to whether there will be any bathroom facilities for attendees. If not - this could be a problem. Perhaps somebody will supply fire hydrants or patches of grass. These are serious issues, people!
Music For Dogs adds to the avant-garde nature of a festival that includes improvised soundscapes by Reed's Metal Machine Trio, the Tuvan throat-singers Chirgilchin and tai chi classes, as well as more conventional acts such as the Rickie Lee Jones.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Tea drinkers rejoice!
As a tea aficienada and an occasional coffee drinker, this news doesn't come as a surprise. Researchers at the European Journal of Clinical Nutrician have conducted tests or did research showing tea doesn't dehydrate. Actually, I have to confess that this thought never entered my mind, being that I'm a 3-cup plus tea imbiber. If anything, it's a wonderful sensation when the hot liquid hits my stomach.
Drinking three or more cups of tea per day is as healthy as drinking water, plus it has extra health benefits like protecting people against heart disease and some cancers. This is a bonus for we tea imbibers who are accustomed to our daily afternoon tea break along with a cookie or two, which isn't healthy but good. Nothing like dunking a biscuit in hot tea and taking it out just at the right moment before it disintegrates into a pile of mush at the bottom of the cup. But I digress.
Clinically, it 's the flavonoids that promote health. Seems that the polyphenol antitoxidants found in many foods and plants that are the key to preventing cell damage. Tea also replaces fluids and contains antioxidants. I'll drink to that!
So who exactly are the tea drinkers, you're probably wondering. Tea people tend to be in the 40-plus age range.
Actually, I've been drinking tea since childhood and am not worse for wear, although some people might dispute this. My dentist claims that my not-white-anymore teeth are a result of tea stains, but then he wants to bleach my teeth. Pass thank you since I'm going to continue drinking tea, anyway.
Tea isn't as socially fashionable as coffee with its fancy options like your cafe macciato, expresso, cafe au lait or cafe breva. Also, a real tea drinker would disdain to drink their favorite beverage in a paper cup as do coffee drinkers. A real tea drinker uses a china cup with a saucer. Anything else is uncivilized.
The UK Tea Council - http://www.tea.co.uk/ is a great site with lots of interesting information including suggestions that include the location of local tea rooms located in the UK, recipes including green tea ice cream plus interesting facts and helpful hints like how to fix a broken nail with a tea bag no less!
"Cut a piece of paper from the corner of a dry tea bag, place over the tear, apply a tiny amount of clear nail polish to the paper and press on top. Allow to dry and finish off by filing into shape." It pays to carry around a used tea bag in one's purse or pocket for such an emergency.
There are also interesting tidbits everyone would find interesting, like 98% of people (in England) take their tea with milk while only 30% take sugar. Perhaps the other 70% use a sugar replacement sweetener - go know! There is also a section on tea customs - bits of information that anyone would want or need to know!
There is a section focusing on how to make the perfect cup of tea. Ask me about it - I know.
Drinking three or more cups of tea per day is as healthy as drinking water, plus it has extra health benefits like protecting people against heart disease and some cancers. This is a bonus for we tea imbibers who are accustomed to our daily afternoon tea break along with a cookie or two, which isn't healthy but good. Nothing like dunking a biscuit in hot tea and taking it out just at the right moment before it disintegrates into a pile of mush at the bottom of the cup. But I digress.
Clinically, it 's the flavonoids that promote health. Seems that the polyphenol antitoxidants found in many foods and plants that are the key to preventing cell damage. Tea also replaces fluids and contains antioxidants. I'll drink to that!
So who exactly are the tea drinkers, you're probably wondering. Tea people tend to be in the 40-plus age range.
Actually, I've been drinking tea since childhood and am not worse for wear, although some people might dispute this. My dentist claims that my not-white-anymore teeth are a result of tea stains, but then he wants to bleach my teeth. Pass thank you since I'm going to continue drinking tea, anyway.
Tea isn't as socially fashionable as coffee with its fancy options like your cafe macciato, expresso, cafe au lait or cafe breva. Also, a real tea drinker would disdain to drink their favorite beverage in a paper cup as do coffee drinkers. A real tea drinker uses a china cup with a saucer. Anything else is uncivilized.
The UK Tea Council - http://www.tea.co.uk/ is a great site with lots of interesting information including suggestions that include the location of local tea rooms located in the UK, recipes including green tea ice cream plus interesting facts and helpful hints like how to fix a broken nail with a tea bag no less!
"Cut a piece of paper from the corner of a dry tea bag, place over the tear, apply a tiny amount of clear nail polish to the paper and press on top. Allow to dry and finish off by filing into shape." It pays to carry around a used tea bag in one's purse or pocket for such an emergency.
There are also interesting tidbits everyone would find interesting, like 98% of people (in England) take their tea with milk while only 30% take sugar. Perhaps the other 70% use a sugar replacement sweetener - go know! There is also a section on tea customs - bits of information that anyone would want or need to know!
There is a section focusing on how to make the perfect cup of tea. Ask me about it - I know.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
The hills are alive with haggis
Those Brits - never fail to surprise us! Most stories that include statistics are usually cut-and-dried factual reports focusing on a subject that attracts readers specifically interested in the topic. On occasion, statistics have entertainment value. Okay - I find these particular stats entertaining.
An on-line take-out food service, Just-Eat.co.uk, recently commissioned a survey, which revealed that one in five people in Britain believes that haggis, a traditional Scottish dish made from the lung, liver and heart of a sheep, is an animal that roams the Scottish Highlands. Yet another fifteen percent believe it's a Scottish musical instrument and another four percent believe it's a Harry Potter character.
The purpose of the survey, which questioned 1,623 people, was to ascertain how many Brits were aquainted with traditional Scottish food. Even more surprising was the revelation that 14 percent of the 781 Scottish people polled didn't even know what haggis was.
Actually, when it comes down to it, how many people reading this have ever tasted haggis, seen it on offered on a menu or would recognize it if placed on a plate? I know I wouldn't. Here is a photo of the dish in case somebody serves it to you and you don't want to appear ignorant:
http://www.freefoto.com/images/09/35/09_35_3---Haggis_web.jpg
Thinking further on this subject many countries have their own culinary specialties. For example poutine with cheese curds and gravy on top of french fries, is a dish loved by Canadian Quebecers:
http://www.voir.ca/blogs/nouvelles_musique/poutine.jpg
There's some great pics of unusual (to say or write the least) food items here:
http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2009/01/weird-things-people-eat-around-world.html
As an aside, in the name of a community TV program, I've indulged in sucking on a bug lollipop, crunched on a chocolate covered grasshopper. Declined fried maggots in tomato sauce. There was something about the way they moved too realistically in the frying pan that bugged me.
An on-line take-out food service, Just-Eat.co.uk, recently commissioned a survey, which revealed that one in five people in Britain believes that haggis, a traditional Scottish dish made from the lung, liver and heart of a sheep, is an animal that roams the Scottish Highlands. Yet another fifteen percent believe it's a Scottish musical instrument and another four percent believe it's a Harry Potter character.
The purpose of the survey, which questioned 1,623 people, was to ascertain how many Brits were aquainted with traditional Scottish food. Even more surprising was the revelation that 14 percent of the 781 Scottish people polled didn't even know what haggis was.
Actually, when it comes down to it, how many people reading this have ever tasted haggis, seen it on offered on a menu or would recognize it if placed on a plate? I know I wouldn't. Here is a photo of the dish in case somebody serves it to you and you don't want to appear ignorant:
http://www.freefoto.com/images/09/35/09_35_3---Haggis_web.jpg
Thinking further on this subject many countries have their own culinary specialties. For example poutine with cheese curds and gravy on top of french fries, is a dish loved by Canadian Quebecers:
http://www.voir.ca/blogs/nouvelles_musique/poutine.jpg
There's some great pics of unusual (to say or write the least) food items here:
http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2009/01/weird-things-people-eat-around-world.html
As an aside, in the name of a community TV program, I've indulged in sucking on a bug lollipop, crunched on a chocolate covered grasshopper. Declined fried maggots in tomato sauce. There was something about the way they moved too realistically in the frying pan that bugged me.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sarah Palin has Canadian roots
Not only does Sarah Palin claim to see Russia from her doorstep, but now she can also boast Canadian roots - and I'm not referring to her hair.
According to press reports it appears that Palin has relatives in the town of Hartney, approximately 80 km southwest of Brandon, Manitoba. Obviously pleased with this news, the mayor of Hartney is planning to extend an invitation to Palin to visit the town, where she can stand on the front porch to see if she can see the U.S. I mean, it only stands to reason.
The Canuck connection was revealed following a speech Palin gave in Hamilton, Ontario recently, where she told a crowd of 900 people that "the foundation of the Palin family" originated in Canada, where "one grandfather was born in Manitoba, this was a farming family there." She went on to comment that her family has "some pretty funny stories of our relatives who were bootleggers" in Manitoba and Saskatchewan many decades ago. I wonder whether the descedents of these relatives appreciate this being pointed out.
Genealogically-speaking, it appears that it's actually, Todd Palin, Sarah's husband, whose roots are in the province. One Frederick William Palin, Todd's grandfather, was born in the town in February 1905. He moved to Washington state where his son James - Todd's - father - was born.
"I don't know how to go about contacting her but I'm going to try to invite her to come," Harney mayor Bruce Evans opined.
You betcha!
Information about Hartney, Manitoba: www.communityprofiles.mb.ca/cgi.bin/csd/index.cgi?id=46-5063
According to press reports it appears that Palin has relatives in the town of Hartney, approximately 80 km southwest of Brandon, Manitoba. Obviously pleased with this news, the mayor of Hartney is planning to extend an invitation to Palin to visit the town, where she can stand on the front porch to see if she can see the U.S. I mean, it only stands to reason.
The Canuck connection was revealed following a speech Palin gave in Hamilton, Ontario recently, where she told a crowd of 900 people that "the foundation of the Palin family" originated in Canada, where "one grandfather was born in Manitoba, this was a farming family there." She went on to comment that her family has "some pretty funny stories of our relatives who were bootleggers" in Manitoba and Saskatchewan many decades ago. I wonder whether the descedents of these relatives appreciate this being pointed out.
Genealogically-speaking, it appears that it's actually, Todd Palin, Sarah's husband, whose roots are in the province. One Frederick William Palin, Todd's grandfather, was born in the town in February 1905. He moved to Washington state where his son James - Todd's - father - was born.
"I don't know how to go about contacting her but I'm going to try to invite her to come," Harney mayor Bruce Evans opined.
You betcha!
Information about Hartney, Manitoba: www.communityprofiles.mb.ca/cgi.bin/csd/index.cgi?id=46-5063
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Aliens are among us - at least 20% of people believe
The topic of aliens - the interplanetary visitors kind - with friends and aquaintances tends to be a conversation ender. For the record I'm of the belief that given the enormity of our solar system, there have to be other life forms. Maybe not humans as we know them...perhaps they take the form of - I dunno - worms or ants or crows (crows are very smart so they could be one of "them") but I digress.
I'm not the only one to believe the existence of aliens since a Reuters Ipsos global survey of 23,000 adults in 22 countries reveal that more than 40% of people in India and China believe that aliens are here on planet earth disguised as humans (or ants...or...), while those least likely to believe this possibility live in Belgium, Sweden and Netherland (8%). However, the majority of people polled or 80% don't believe they're living amongst us.
A while back while discussing this topic with an aquaintance, she swore me to secrecy and shared her belief that she may have come accross an alien while shopping at the supermarket. The supermarket no less! Anyway, the reason for this belief is that this particular female's ('it' was in female form) skin was a definite shade of grey that sort-of glittered plus she had a protruding forehead. She didn't approach the woman/alien because, I mean, what would you say? 'Hi there - you look like an alien'?
The survey also disclosed that more men than women — 22 percent vs 17 percent — believe that alien beings are on earth. The majority of the believers are under 35 years of age.
Personally, I'm open to the possibility that aliens are amongst us. Just keep your eyes on the crows - they know.
I'm not the only one to believe the existence of aliens since a Reuters Ipsos global survey of 23,000 adults in 22 countries reveal that more than 40% of people in India and China believe that aliens are here on planet earth disguised as humans (or ants...or...), while those least likely to believe this possibility live in Belgium, Sweden and Netherland (8%). However, the majority of people polled or 80% don't believe they're living amongst us.
A while back while discussing this topic with an aquaintance, she swore me to secrecy and shared her belief that she may have come accross an alien while shopping at the supermarket. The supermarket no less! Anyway, the reason for this belief is that this particular female's ('it' was in female form) skin was a definite shade of grey that sort-of glittered plus she had a protruding forehead. She didn't approach the woman/alien because, I mean, what would you say? 'Hi there - you look like an alien'?
The survey also disclosed that more men than women — 22 percent vs 17 percent — believe that alien beings are on earth. The majority of the believers are under 35 years of age.
Personally, I'm open to the possibility that aliens are amongst us. Just keep your eyes on the crows - they know.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
GO ON - LAUGH A BIT!
The arrival of the month of April always makes me smile, accompanied by occasional outbreaks of laughter. The reason for my feeling of happiness is that April is designated as National Humour Month. Not that we need an excuse to laugh but a celebration of “feeling good” is a holiday in which we all should partake.
The creator of this gleeful celebration is one Larry Wilde, who decided in 1976 to devote the entire month to laughter. His aim was and presumably still is, to heighten public awareness on how the joy and therapeutic value of laughter can improve health, boost morale, increase communication skills and enrich the quality in one’s life. Sounds like a good enough reason to me!
Over the years researchers have explored laughter’s effects on the body and produced some interesting information on how it affects us. For example, a study conducted by researchers of the University of Maryland studied the effects on blood vessels when people were shown either comedies or dramas and concluded that blood vessels of the group watching comedies expanded and contracted easily, while the blood vessels of the people watching dramas, tended to tense up restricting blood flow. Other studies also reveal that the ability to use humour may raise the level of infection-fighting antibodies and boost the level of immune cells.
Want more proof? There’s even scientific evidence that it may offer protection against a heart attack. A study with results presented at the American Heart Association’s 73rd Scientific Session showed that people with heart disease were 40% less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease.
A happier person has a positive outlook towards life, lives each day without worrying about the future, appreciates and enjoys the blessings in life and is able to enjoy life to the fullest. Is that you?
Here’s an interesting piece of information for people who are watching their weight. Giggling for a mere 15 minutes per day burns enough calories to shed up to 5lbs. of fat over the year. Researchers measured the number of calories expended by 45 adults while watching a comedy film including nature and comedy shows. Bouts of laughter when watching a comedy film used up 20% more energy than at rest. You can read more about the research conducted by surfing over to http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6274119.stm
So what does this all mean in the scheme of things? You don’t need medical proof that laughter makes you feel good. In the way of celebrating throughout the month, rent some ‘nutsy’ comedies at least once per week or watch a (good) TV sitcom. Share funny stories and/or jokes with friends – chances are at least one (hopefully more) will elicit a smile or laugh. Read some books written by people who are known for their comedic expression. Some personal favourites are books by the late humorist, Erma Bombeck or compilations by columnist, Dave Barry and don’t forget to laugh at yourself now and then.
Drop by http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/07/03/funny.websites/index.html and you’ll find a list of 10 sites to make you laugh out loud. Actually, I feel a laugh coming on right now. You?
Saturday, April 03, 2010
California dog owner builds mansion for pooches
Given the state of our planet these days what with stories focusing on war, natural disasters, death and starvation, here is a story based in California that makes a person wonder what they're putting in their water these days.
A woman, one Tammy Kassis, decided to build her pet pooches a Victorian mansion no less, at a cost of $20,000USD along with a picket fence - I mean, what's a doggie villa without a picket fence. It also has Spanish style turrets in the towers.
The doggie homestead, modelled after her own (that says something in itself), boasts the usual necessities of life including a television set, vaulted ceilings, air conditioning, wall paper and for that extra personal touch, handmade curtains. How sweet! As if all this isn't enough her three dogs, Darla, Chelsea and Cocoa Puff can sleep - if they so choose - in their own designer beds. Floors, which can be drafty, are too common place for this trio. Interestingly enough there is no mention by the way, of toilets...
Other accessories include blinds for the window, heating and ceiling fans. Perhaps the pooches didn't want other local dogs to peer in - nothing worse than voyeur dogs or cats - go know!
Amazing - there are people in many parts of the world going hungry and exposed to the elements due to lack of shelter - and this definitely over-zealous pet owner spends a chunk of cash on her dogs. Talk about this planet going to the dogs...
A woman, one Tammy Kassis, decided to build her pet pooches a Victorian mansion no less, at a cost of $20,000USD along with a picket fence - I mean, what's a doggie villa without a picket fence. It also has Spanish style turrets in the towers.
The doggie homestead, modelled after her own (that says something in itself), boasts the usual necessities of life including a television set, vaulted ceilings, air conditioning, wall paper and for that extra personal touch, handmade curtains. How sweet! As if all this isn't enough her three dogs, Darla, Chelsea and Cocoa Puff can sleep - if they so choose - in their own designer beds. Floors, which can be drafty, are too common place for this trio. Interestingly enough there is no mention by the way, of toilets...
Other accessories include blinds for the window, heating and ceiling fans. Perhaps the pooches didn't want other local dogs to peer in - nothing worse than voyeur dogs or cats - go know!
Amazing - there are people in many parts of the world going hungry and exposed to the elements due to lack of shelter - and this definitely over-zealous pet owner spends a chunk of cash on her dogs. Talk about this planet going to the dogs...
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A dose of chocolate a day keeps heart attack away - so they say
At last - a legitimate medical justification to indulge in chocolate!
A new study - my kind of study by the way - indicates that small doses of chocolate each day lessens one's risk of having a heart attack or stroke by nearly 40%. How exciting! So researchers based in Germany followed 20,000 people over an 8 year period by sending them questionnaires focusing on diet and exercise habits. Findings reveal that participants who ate 6 grams of chocolate per day or approximately 1 square of chocolate bar, had a 39% lower risk of either a heart attack or stroke.
Experts are of the opinion that flavonols, also found vegetables and red wines, are responsible helping the muscles in blood vessels widen, leading to the drop in blood pressure.
Hey - that sounds like a good enough reason to me. However - don't you hate the howevers in life - medical experts caution that eating larger amounts of chocolate could lead to weight gain. Wow - what a surprise!
"This is not a prescription to eat more chocolate," said Dr. Robert Eckel, a professor of medicine at the University of Colorado and a past president of the American Heart Association. He was not linked to the study. "If we all had (a small amount) of chocolate every day for the rest of our lives, we would all gain a few pounds."
So basically if we read between the lines, the experts are still out regarding this eating chocolate=healthy heart study, but what the heck - we should all do our part to help science and if that includes eating chocolate, so much the better.
Meanwhile, watch this video for the lowdown on chocolate and healthy hearts. The Easter bunny would be happy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6zIlNCrZpk
A new study - my kind of study by the way - indicates that small doses of chocolate each day lessens one's risk of having a heart attack or stroke by nearly 40%. How exciting! So researchers based in Germany followed 20,000 people over an 8 year period by sending them questionnaires focusing on diet and exercise habits. Findings reveal that participants who ate 6 grams of chocolate per day or approximately 1 square of chocolate bar, had a 39% lower risk of either a heart attack or stroke.
Experts are of the opinion that flavonols, also found vegetables and red wines, are responsible helping the muscles in blood vessels widen, leading to the drop in blood pressure.
Hey - that sounds like a good enough reason to me. However - don't you hate the howevers in life - medical experts caution that eating larger amounts of chocolate could lead to weight gain. Wow - what a surprise!
"This is not a prescription to eat more chocolate," said Dr. Robert Eckel, a professor of medicine at the University of Colorado and a past president of the American Heart Association. He was not linked to the study. "If we all had (a small amount) of chocolate every day for the rest of our lives, we would all gain a few pounds."
So basically if we read between the lines, the experts are still out regarding this eating chocolate=healthy heart study, but what the heck - we should all do our part to help science and if that includes eating chocolate, so much the better.
Meanwhile, watch this video for the lowdown on chocolate and healthy hearts. The Easter bunny would be happy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6zIlNCrZpk
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Man tries to revive dead opossum - without success
Yet another example of someone trying to do a good deed taking things too far. Also another example how our world or some of its people are getting weirder and weirder.
Most of us or a least a lot of people are familiar with Puxatawny, PA. as the home town of that well-known-bordering-on-famous ground hog, Puxatawny Phil. Once per year Phil emerges (with a little help) from his well-appointed den to predict whether we'll have an early or late Spring.
Recently, Puxatawny - the town - not the groundhog - was in the news again but this time it was related to an attempt to bring back the dead, be it a opossum. Seems that according to witnesses, one Donald Wolfe of Brookville, PA. spotted what he believed to be a dead opossum and was so moved by its demise that he attempted to resuscitate it. You read it right. At least that's what one of the witnesses believed Wolfe was doing since he was kneeling next to it at the time. Another witness reported that he saw him giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation in addition to Wolfe waving his arms around in a manner that could be interpreted as conducting a seance. According to a CNN report, the marsupial was in a flattened state, which must have made the task difficult. I mean, he must have had to scrape it off the road first.
Police charged Wolfe with public drunkeness. What a surprise.
Meanwhile, here are some photos of opossum: http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/mammals/opossum/
Most of us or a least a lot of people are familiar with Puxatawny, PA. as the home town of that well-known-bordering-on-famous ground hog, Puxatawny Phil. Once per year Phil emerges (with a little help) from his well-appointed den to predict whether we'll have an early or late Spring.
Recently, Puxatawny - the town - not the groundhog - was in the news again but this time it was related to an attempt to bring back the dead, be it a opossum. Seems that according to witnesses, one Donald Wolfe of Brookville, PA. spotted what he believed to be a dead opossum and was so moved by its demise that he attempted to resuscitate it. You read it right. At least that's what one of the witnesses believed Wolfe was doing since he was kneeling next to it at the time. Another witness reported that he saw him giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation in addition to Wolfe waving his arms around in a manner that could be interpreted as conducting a seance. According to a CNN report, the marsupial was in a flattened state, which must have made the task difficult. I mean, he must have had to scrape it off the road first.
Police charged Wolfe with public drunkeness. What a surprise.
Meanwhile, here are some photos of opossum: http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/mammals/opossum/
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Life is a soap opera in the true sense of the word
Once again the focus of this story is England and makes a person (okay - me) wonder what or if there's something funny they're putting in the water these days. I dunno - some people - read: most people - live out their lives in veritable anonymity. Then there are others who make a point of conducting and documenting every minute of their existence in the tabloids.
Take Anna Nicole Smith, the wanna-be actress who ended her life in 2007 by an accidental drug over-dose, who will at last get her wish in a way, when the Royal Opera will next year premiere focusing on the life of former Playboy centrefold. The new opera, by British composer Mark-Anthony Turnage and writer Richard Thomas, will be staged by renowned director Richard Jones.
For those people un-familiar with Thomas's work, he was co-creator of "Jerry Springer: the Opera" which resulted in numerous complaints to the BBC when it aired on the BBC in 2005. He says that the musical production will end with her death and not the custody battle over her daughter.
At the time of her death she was involved in a long-running legal battle over the will of her late husband, billionaire oil tycoon, Howard Marshall, who was 89 when they married. She was 26 years old.
The opera will have its premiere in February 2011 in Covent Gardens with Dutch soprano Eva-Maria Westbroek doing Anna-Nicole.
Take Anna Nicole Smith, the wanna-be actress who ended her life in 2007 by an accidental drug over-dose, who will at last get her wish in a way, when the Royal Opera will next year premiere focusing on the life of former Playboy centrefold. The new opera, by British composer Mark-Anthony Turnage and writer Richard Thomas, will be staged by renowned director Richard Jones.
For those people un-familiar with Thomas's work, he was co-creator of "Jerry Springer: the Opera" which resulted in numerous complaints to the BBC when it aired on the BBC in 2005. He says that the musical production will end with her death and not the custody battle over her daughter.
At the time of her death she was involved in a long-running legal battle over the will of her late husband, billionaire oil tycoon, Howard Marshall, who was 89 when they married. She was 26 years old.
The opera will have its premiere in February 2011 in Covent Gardens with Dutch soprano Eva-Maria Westbroek doing Anna-Nicole.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Ghosts in a bottle
Most people attending an auction bid on familiar items i.e. furniture, jewelry, art work -the "normal" stuff. Then there are others who seek out the unusual bordering on weird.
An online auction in New Zealand recently featured - wait for it - two vials allegedly containing the ghosts of two dead people. As they say there's a sucker....that should read, buyer, for everything and the ghostly apparitions sold for $1983. Guess ghosts are going for under $2000 these days. Still, that's not a bad bid for things one can't see or even prove exist.
These ghosts were put on the auction block by one Avie Woodbury, who claimed that she stored her ghosts in glass vials, with stoppers dipped in holy water. According to Woodbury, dipping the stoppers in holy water dulls the spirits energy.
Her claim could make sense since it's difficult if not impossible to prove that she had ghosts caught in a vile in the first place.
Anyway...Woodbury also claims that the ghosts were/are/could be an old man who lived in a house in the 1920's and a powerful, bad little girl who made herself felt during a Ouija board session. These two were subsequently trapped in the jar/vile and/or removed from the house during an exorcism session. I mean - how does she or anybody know this to be true? Perhaps - just perhaps - the ghosts are still in the house. How do we know?
Woodbury says that once an "exorcist's fee" has been deducted, the proceeds of the spirit sale will go to the animal welfare group the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Why am I not surprised an "exorcising fee" is involved?
An online auction in New Zealand recently featured - wait for it - two vials allegedly containing the ghosts of two dead people. As they say there's a sucker....that should read, buyer, for everything and the ghostly apparitions sold for $1983. Guess ghosts are going for under $2000 these days. Still, that's not a bad bid for things one can't see or even prove exist.
These ghosts were put on the auction block by one Avie Woodbury, who claimed that she stored her ghosts in glass vials, with stoppers dipped in holy water. According to Woodbury, dipping the stoppers in holy water dulls the spirits energy.
Her claim could make sense since it's difficult if not impossible to prove that she had ghosts caught in a vile in the first place.
Anyway...Woodbury also claims that the ghosts were/are/could be an old man who lived in a house in the 1920's and a powerful, bad little girl who made herself felt during a Ouija board session. These two were subsequently trapped in the jar/vile and/or removed from the house during an exorcism session. I mean - how does she or anybody know this to be true? Perhaps - just perhaps - the ghosts are still in the house. How do we know?
Woodbury says that once an "exorcist's fee" has been deducted, the proceeds of the spirit sale will go to the animal welfare group the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Why am I not surprised an "exorcising fee" is involved?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Getting the point
It always amazes me in addition to scratching my head and raising my eyebrows, as to why humans feel the need to do - well - dumb things. What's the attraction in performing life-threatening "tricks" that threaten one's well being?
So this guy, 31-year old Australian performance artist, Chayne Hultgren, a.k.a. The Space Cowboy, took it upon himself to test his body's taste for metal. The metal in question is 18 swords measuring 28.35 inches long, at an outdoor festival in Sydney, Australia, presumably in front of a crowd. I mean, what's the use of doing life-threatening feats of stupidity unless there are people around to witness the so-called feat? Actually, it appears according to the news reports that he did it to get into the Guiness Book of Records to beat the record he had set in 2008.
Talk about a taste for heavy metal!
Acknowledging there was an element of danger involved, he admitted that while the stunt was not dangerous, he trained for a long period of time. I bet.
"Wow, I did it, it feels good, thank you very much, it feels really good actually," he said after setting the record.
Feels good??? Not dangerous?? How could swallowing 18 swords "feel good?" Why don't people who crave metal use cutlery instead, like forks, spoons or even butter knives that could produce the same sensation but don't threaten one's well-being? There is no information available as to what he did with the swords following his accomplishment after having the swords sliding around his insides. Also, there is nothing about whether he followed a special diet before the big show. Good thing nobody had a magnet nearby.
So this guy, 31-year old Australian performance artist, Chayne Hultgren, a.k.a. The Space Cowboy, took it upon himself to test his body's taste for metal. The metal in question is 18 swords measuring 28.35 inches long, at an outdoor festival in Sydney, Australia, presumably in front of a crowd. I mean, what's the use of doing life-threatening feats of stupidity unless there are people around to witness the so-called feat? Actually, it appears according to the news reports that he did it to get into the Guiness Book of Records to beat the record he had set in 2008.
Talk about a taste for heavy metal!
Acknowledging there was an element of danger involved, he admitted that while the stunt was not dangerous, he trained for a long period of time. I bet.
"Wow, I did it, it feels good, thank you very much, it feels really good actually," he said after setting the record.
Feels good??? Not dangerous?? How could swallowing 18 swords "feel good?" Why don't people who crave metal use cutlery instead, like forks, spoons or even butter knives that could produce the same sensation but don't threaten one's well-being? There is no information available as to what he did with the swords following his accomplishment after having the swords sliding around his insides. Also, there is nothing about whether he followed a special diet before the big show. Good thing nobody had a magnet nearby.
Friday, January 29, 2010
It's all in the Twitter count
For whatever reason I appear to be losing followers. We're not about followers of the religious kind although some Twitter-ites are as rabidly zealous about posting continuous updates about their lives and anything and everything.
Thing is...it's beginning to give me a complex especially since I can't figure out the reason. As a writer I always prided myself about having a way with words but this really doesn't cut it on Twitter. You have to share - I dunno - recipes or promote your product or something. Darned if I can figure it out. Could be, though that people are losing interest since my numbers aren't - well - high. You know, popularity draws attention. As I wrote - a personal complex.
Up until recently Twitter and I had an on-going problem what they claimed to be a technical situation regarding the number of my followers versus following others. Each time somebody decided to be my cyber friend and follower,it registered as me following them. The situation didn't improve and we i.e. Twitter tech. and myself, began an on-going correspondence. For whatever reason they claimed that after checking, the situation was normal. At one point things did return to "normal" but the problem re-occured. Corresponding with tech. support ended up with a Twitter rep. requesting that I name all my new followers in the way of proof. Go know who was who especially since many of the new followers were now in the following column. Anyway, things appear to be the way they should be, at last.
Still, I have to confess that when it's all said and done or tweeted, I really can't see the attraction of limiting one's thoughts to 140 bytes as one can in a blog. It's just so...confining. That being written, I still find myself providing Tweets 'cause you never know who wants to follow me.
Thing is...it's beginning to give me a complex especially since I can't figure out the reason. As a writer I always prided myself about having a way with words but this really doesn't cut it on Twitter. You have to share - I dunno - recipes or promote your product or something. Darned if I can figure it out. Could be, though that people are losing interest since my numbers aren't - well - high. You know, popularity draws attention. As I wrote - a personal complex.
Up until recently Twitter and I had an on-going problem what they claimed to be a technical situation regarding the number of my followers versus following others. Each time somebody decided to be my cyber friend and follower,it registered as me following them. The situation didn't improve and we i.e. Twitter tech. and myself, began an on-going correspondence. For whatever reason they claimed that after checking, the situation was normal. At one point things did return to "normal" but the problem re-occured. Corresponding with tech. support ended up with a Twitter rep. requesting that I name all my new followers in the way of proof. Go know who was who especially since many of the new followers were now in the following column. Anyway, things appear to be the way they should be, at last.
Still, I have to confess that when it's all said and done or tweeted, I really can't see the attraction of limiting one's thoughts to 140 bytes as one can in a blog. It's just so...confining. That being written, I still find myself providing Tweets 'cause you never know who wants to follow me.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
A night out at the movie - if you can find it
So yesterday we went to our local gazillion-plex to see George Clooney's latest film, "Up In the Air." Very good film but definitely don't go see it if you're depressed or easily depressed, however, the movie itself is not the focus of this piece.
Given that it was Christmas Day with frazzled parents looking for something - anything - to do with their kids, you can imagine the crowd running to line up behind and between the ropes that will lead them to the promised land and mindless diversion for a couple of hours.
Search as we may we couldn't find the number for the line up for our theatre. The focus was to seek out number 10 but all that was visible were people lining up for theatres 8 and 9. After walking around in circles for a while along with other theatre 10 theatre goers, we spotted a guy wearing a Santa hat holding an electronic device wearing a name tag with the name of the theatre. Asking his assistance as to where the line up was for theatre 10, he pointed to the mass of humanity behind the ropes for theatres 8 and 9 and answered, "there!"
"Wrong!" I responded, "there is no chorded area for number 10.It doesn't exist!"
"Look - I should know," he answered defiantly, "I'm the manager of the theatre."
At this point our numbers had grown to a relatively large-ish crowd of people seeking out the elusive number 10 and there was a definite sense of hostility and possible rebellion in the air.
"You have your number 8. You have your number 9 but there is no line up for number 10," my husband added. "Go see for yourself!"
The manager took off followed by our number 10 group at his heels, stopping in front of number 8 and number 9.
"Oh - there is no number 10," he mumbled."I don't understand" after which he spoke to somebody on his walkie-talkie. "The ushers were supposed to set it up..."
Walking quickly he returned to the front of number 10 theatre with our group of number 10 close behind.
"Line up here," he told us even though we reminded him that it was not a corded area. We stayed there for five minutes after which the theatre manager returned, minus the Santa hat and beads of sweat on his forehead. This did not bode well.
"You're gonna have to move," he instructed, pointing a finger to the number 8 and 9 lines, The group did a collective look over and after seeing the extent and length of the line we told him, "no way! We can't just push in there. They won't let us in!"
"Then you won't be able to enter the theatre!" he threatened. "You're blocking the exit of the people exiting theatre 10."
"But why should we line up for theatres 8 and 9 when we're number 10?" I snapped back, determined to hold my ground in front of theatre 10. "We'll move to the side but don't make us move again."
"The usher just put up a rope for theatre 10," he said confidently, pointing to the empty space with the number "10" in front.
Once again our group number 10 went back to join the people in lineups 8 and 9, who at that point had been released from standing in and being contained behind a rope prison for who knows how long. They poured out while ushers removed the printed numbers 8 and 9 along with the ropes. Within 5 minutes the theatre manager returned to remove our rope and allowed us into the theater.
"Tell us again why we couldn't line up in front of the theatre?" I asked as we passed by him on our way to our seats.
Anyway, the movie was very good, the popcorn fresh and hot for a change, even though the line to get in wasn't. Just goes to show that life these days is filled with numbers and you gotta have the right number to get ahead - even in a movie theatre.
Given that it was Christmas Day with frazzled parents looking for something - anything - to do with their kids, you can imagine the crowd running to line up behind and between the ropes that will lead them to the promised land and mindless diversion for a couple of hours.
Search as we may we couldn't find the number for the line up for our theatre. The focus was to seek out number 10 but all that was visible were people lining up for theatres 8 and 9. After walking around in circles for a while along with other theatre 10 theatre goers, we spotted a guy wearing a Santa hat holding an electronic device wearing a name tag with the name of the theatre. Asking his assistance as to where the line up was for theatre 10, he pointed to the mass of humanity behind the ropes for theatres 8 and 9 and answered, "there!"
"Wrong!" I responded, "there is no chorded area for number 10.It doesn't exist!"
"Look - I should know," he answered defiantly, "I'm the manager of the theatre."
At this point our numbers had grown to a relatively large-ish crowd of people seeking out the elusive number 10 and there was a definite sense of hostility and possible rebellion in the air.
"You have your number 8. You have your number 9 but there is no line up for number 10," my husband added. "Go see for yourself!"
The manager took off followed by our number 10 group at his heels, stopping in front of number 8 and number 9.
"Oh - there is no number 10," he mumbled."I don't understand" after which he spoke to somebody on his walkie-talkie. "The ushers were supposed to set it up..."
Walking quickly he returned to the front of number 10 theatre with our group of number 10 close behind.
"Line up here," he told us even though we reminded him that it was not a corded area. We stayed there for five minutes after which the theatre manager returned, minus the Santa hat and beads of sweat on his forehead. This did not bode well.
"You're gonna have to move," he instructed, pointing a finger to the number 8 and 9 lines, The group did a collective look over and after seeing the extent and length of the line we told him, "no way! We can't just push in there. They won't let us in!"
"Then you won't be able to enter the theatre!" he threatened. "You're blocking the exit of the people exiting theatre 10."
"But why should we line up for theatres 8 and 9 when we're number 10?" I snapped back, determined to hold my ground in front of theatre 10. "We'll move to the side but don't make us move again."
"The usher just put up a rope for theatre 10," he said confidently, pointing to the empty space with the number "10" in front.
Once again our group number 10 went back to join the people in lineups 8 and 9, who at that point had been released from standing in and being contained behind a rope prison for who knows how long. They poured out while ushers removed the printed numbers 8 and 9 along with the ropes. Within 5 minutes the theatre manager returned to remove our rope and allowed us into the theater.
"Tell us again why we couldn't line up in front of the theatre?" I asked as we passed by him on our way to our seats.
Anyway, the movie was very good, the popcorn fresh and hot for a change, even though the line to get in wasn't. Just goes to show that life these days is filled with numbers and you gotta have the right number to get ahead - even in a movie theatre.
Friday, December 04, 2009
No more official UFO sightings for Brits
Interesting that this story ended in the Ananova.com Quirky news file, given the gravity or repercussions of this report. So y'see - the British Ministry of Defense who deals with UFO reports (among other things one presumes), is closing up shop after 60 years of investigations, 12,000 reports including 135 last year alone.
As is the case in many governments around the globe, the heart of the matter is money so the decision to close the department will result in a savings of £50,000 per year.
That's it? I mean, one wonders if this an entire departmental staff salary or one person's salary `a la British eqivalent of a Fox Muldaur. The official wording is that the department after deciding there was no benefit investigating sightings which were "an inappropriate use of defence resources".
A lot of Brits are not pleased with the decision including one Nick Pope, who ran the Ministry of Defence UFO project from 1991 to 1994, said it was "outrageous".
"We're leaving ourselves wide open to terrorist attacks," he told The Sun.
Well Nick, I don't know if I would go that far. Is Nick referring to an alien attack from another planet or dimension? Does he know something that we should know? Is there a space ship in a hangar somewhere hidden away from the public? Is there a British equivalent of Area 51? These are things enquiring minds wanna know!
After an application under the Freedom of Information Act, the Ministry of Defence admitted that responding to every UFO sightings "diverts MoD (Ministry of Defence) resources from tasks that are relevant to Defence". Presumably, it also costs to send out investigators to write up flying saucer reports that are most likely stored away for posterity or something.
It said that in more than 50 years "no UFO report has revealed any evidence of a potential threat to the United Kingdom".
Uh-huh...and what about all those corn field patterns? Huh?
After investigating, around five per cent of reports remain unexplained. There you go. Five percent is five percent!
As is the case in many governments around the globe, the heart of the matter is money so the decision to close the department will result in a savings of £50,000 per year.
That's it? I mean, one wonders if this an entire departmental staff salary or one person's salary `a la British eqivalent of a Fox Muldaur. The official wording is that the department after deciding there was no benefit investigating sightings which were "an inappropriate use of defence resources".
A lot of Brits are not pleased with the decision including one Nick Pope, who ran the Ministry of Defence UFO project from 1991 to 1994, said it was "outrageous".
"We're leaving ourselves wide open to terrorist attacks," he told The Sun.
Well Nick, I don't know if I would go that far. Is Nick referring to an alien attack from another planet or dimension? Does he know something that we should know? Is there a space ship in a hangar somewhere hidden away from the public? Is there a British equivalent of Area 51? These are things enquiring minds wanna know!
After an application under the Freedom of Information Act, the Ministry of Defence admitted that responding to every UFO sightings "diverts MoD (Ministry of Defence) resources from tasks that are relevant to Defence". Presumably, it also costs to send out investigators to write up flying saucer reports that are most likely stored away for posterity or something.
It said that in more than 50 years "no UFO report has revealed any evidence of a potential threat to the United Kingdom".
Uh-huh...and what about all those corn field patterns? Huh?
After investigating, around five per cent of reports remain unexplained. There you go. Five percent is five percent!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Expert wanted to study lap dancers - any takers?
Looking for a challenge that offers a reward, which money alone can't compensate? The Leeds University may be the right place to end your job search since it is seeking out - wait for it - a researcher to study lap dancing.
No printing error and to add icing on the cake the position pays in the area £31,000-a-year.
Persons interested in applying should be aware that this interesting position posted by the School of Sociology and Social Policy (go figure!) is for:
"Research Officer - The rise and regulation of lap dancing and the place of sexual labour and consumption in the night time economy".
Academics do tend to use such fancy words for basically a person to watch lap dancing and take notes.
The Government-funded position(!) will see the successful applicant interview 300 lap dancers in in two northern English towns.
The study, which comes with a salary of £31,513 to be exact, is aimed at finding out who becomes lap dancers and what their working conditions are like, as well as how the number of bars have multiplied.
The ad stipulates the successful applicant will need to have "prior experience of conducting research in the female sex industry".
But Susie Squire, political director at the TaxPayers' Alliance, complained: "This is the ultimate non-job and will both anger and bemuse taxpayers.
"It may be a dream job for some men, but it's just another nightmare of public sector waste for the ordinary people who pay for it."
Uh-huh...
No printing error and to add icing on the cake the position pays in the area £31,000-a-year.
Persons interested in applying should be aware that this interesting position posted by the School of Sociology and Social Policy (go figure!) is for:
"Research Officer - The rise and regulation of lap dancing and the place of sexual labour and consumption in the night time economy".
Academics do tend to use such fancy words for basically a person to watch lap dancing and take notes.
The Government-funded position(!) will see the successful applicant interview 300 lap dancers in in two northern English towns.
The study, which comes with a salary of £31,513 to be exact, is aimed at finding out who becomes lap dancers and what their working conditions are like, as well as how the number of bars have multiplied.
The ad stipulates the successful applicant will need to have "prior experience of conducting research in the female sex industry".
But Susie Squire, political director at the TaxPayers' Alliance, complained: "This is the ultimate non-job and will both anger and bemuse taxpayers.
"It may be a dream job for some men, but it's just another nightmare of public sector waste for the ordinary people who pay for it."
Uh-huh...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
I'm a Twit - you're a twit -we're all a-Twitter!
Some thoughts about Twitter. My motivation for signing up was because – well – it seemed like the logical thing to do since the hot and not-so-hot celebrities are there. The idea in as far as I can tell, is to follow people in the hope that they will follow back.
Why?
So that you can accumulate “followers” and increase your numbers – in the numerical sense of course. Why increase your followers? Not quite sure but presumably this has boasting rights i.e. “I have 20,000 followers and I’m popular as you can tell!” Judging by some of the requests to follow me, a lot of the Twitter-ites – I like to call them Twits – use the service as a means to promote their latest book releases, business, services. In fact I have to confess that I have rejected the friendship of people willing to perform live on web cam, sell me a service that is overtly financially favourable to them solely.
A really annoying factor on a personal level is the limitation of bytes allowable to make a statement. The real concept behind Twitter is to communicate a logical thought by texting from wherever the Twit is located i.e. bus, bathroom, movie theatre, dentist’s office, giving birth, etc. etc. using abbreviations. Something to the effect:
“Drnkg cafe @ frnds hse” or “Shpg @ Wlmrt” or “’m givg birth – fckg (universally known and recognized bad word) pain!” – the challenge is to communicate without getting the dreaded Twitter red minus sign indicating exceeding the byte allotment, which means a complete revision of the sentence/thought to avoid its re-appearance. Being a Twit ain’t easy!
Actually, in its favour, Twitter has brought me close to some celebrities in the cyber sense. Now me and Yoko Ono are friends, she told me so in a personal tweet, in addition to David Peck who stars on the TV show, “V” and my biggest celebrity friend, Gov. Arnold Schwarzneggar, who updates me regularly about California even though I live in Canada, and I'm receiving spiritual advice from Deepak Chopra. Also following me because I follow them is Fawlty Towers DVD, OK Magazine, the Rock of Ages musical (because I’m dying to see it!)...and so many other interesting whoevers and whatevers! Where else could we have a brush with almost-fame but by being Twits? Not to be overlooked are the people who want to make me rich if I invest more than Twitter updates with them.
Let’s follow each other. I mean, don’cha wannna make more friends? I can be found as scriberess. You twit me and I’ll twit you back. Maybe.
Why?
So that you can accumulate “followers” and increase your numbers – in the numerical sense of course. Why increase your followers? Not quite sure but presumably this has boasting rights i.e. “I have 20,000 followers and I’m popular as you can tell!” Judging by some of the requests to follow me, a lot of the Twitter-ites – I like to call them Twits – use the service as a means to promote their latest book releases, business, services. In fact I have to confess that I have rejected the friendship of people willing to perform live on web cam, sell me a service that is overtly financially favourable to them solely.
A really annoying factor on a personal level is the limitation of bytes allowable to make a statement. The real concept behind Twitter is to communicate a logical thought by texting from wherever the Twit is located i.e. bus, bathroom, movie theatre, dentist’s office, giving birth, etc. etc. using abbreviations. Something to the effect:
“Drnkg cafe @ frnds hse” or “Shpg @ Wlmrt” or “’m givg birth – fckg (universally known and recognized bad word) pain!” – the challenge is to communicate without getting the dreaded Twitter red minus sign indicating exceeding the byte allotment, which means a complete revision of the sentence/thought to avoid its re-appearance. Being a Twit ain’t easy!
Actually, in its favour, Twitter has brought me close to some celebrities in the cyber sense. Now me and Yoko Ono are friends, she told me so in a personal tweet, in addition to David Peck who stars on the TV show, “V” and my biggest celebrity friend, Gov. Arnold Schwarzneggar, who updates me regularly about California even though I live in Canada, and I'm receiving spiritual advice from Deepak Chopra. Also following me because I follow them is Fawlty Towers DVD, OK Magazine, the Rock of Ages musical (because I’m dying to see it!)...and so many other interesting whoevers and whatevers! Where else could we have a brush with almost-fame but by being Twits? Not to be overlooked are the people who want to make me rich if I invest more than Twitter updates with them.
Let’s follow each other. I mean, don’cha wannna make more friends? I can be found as scriberess. You twit me and I’ll twit you back. Maybe.
Friday, November 27, 2009
And now a Christmas gift for that person who has everything
For people searching for that special holiday gift that says you think about her/him need look no further. Diamonds are a natural resource that is always a nice - and expensive - gift. There are other less costly and natural down-to-earth jewelry pieces that are now available for purchase from a zoo no less.
Seems that a group of creative "gemologists" at the Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, Illinois, have come up with a unique gift currently on sale at a fraction of the price of diamonds, in the form of dried reindeer droppings. You read it right: reindeer droppings.
The jewelry joins the very popular reindeer dropping Christmas ornaments that were a huge hit with the public last year. These limited-edition Magical Reindeer Gem necklaces are currently available for $15 each at the gift shop, 1020 S. Morris Ave., or for $20 by mail.
Last year, volunteers dehydrated and sterilized piles of the dime-sized dung, then spray-painted them with glitter and strung them on wire with beads to create “Magical Reindeer Gems."
Hmmmm... No mention of odor...
According to the news release, 2,000 ornaments and 100 necklaces are available so act soon. More information regarding the zoo and the origin of the poop necklaces or reindeer gem ornaments as they call them:
http://www.cityblm.org/parks/Miller-Park-Zoo/whats-new.htm
The zoo’s $1.3 million budget was cut by about $200,000 this year as part of the city’s efforts to balance its $77 million general operating budget
Seems that a group of creative "gemologists" at the Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, Illinois, have come up with a unique gift currently on sale at a fraction of the price of diamonds, in the form of dried reindeer droppings. You read it right: reindeer droppings.
The jewelry joins the very popular reindeer dropping Christmas ornaments that were a huge hit with the public last year. These limited-edition Magical Reindeer Gem necklaces are currently available for $15 each at the gift shop, 1020 S. Morris Ave., or for $20 by mail.
Last year, volunteers dehydrated and sterilized piles of the dime-sized dung, then spray-painted them with glitter and strung them on wire with beads to create “Magical Reindeer Gems."
Hmmmm... No mention of odor...
According to the news release, 2,000 ornaments and 100 necklaces are available so act soon. More information regarding the zoo and the origin of the poop necklaces or reindeer gem ornaments as they call them:
http://www.cityblm.org/parks/Miller-Park-Zoo/whats-new.htm
The zoo’s $1.3 million budget was cut by about $200,000 this year as part of the city’s efforts to balance its $77 million general operating budget
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Santa Claus group demanding priority for flu shots
Gimme a break in the true sense of the word!
What is happening to Santa and his Christmas spirit? Seems that a group of Santas is demanding because they seem to believe it's due to them, priority in as far as receiving flu shots.
The group - the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas even held a seminar on the virus at a recent conference in Philadelphia.
What next? How to appear non-threatening to children and wear a face mask 101?
AORBS - that's them - is now lobbying for its members to be put on the much sought after swine flu vaccination priority list.
Group President, one Nicholas Trolli, said the campaign was "not so much to protect the Santa, but to help protect the public".
"I have heard across the country numerous Santas who have actually had the swine flu, but I have not heard reports back of any of our Santas being able to get the swine flu shot as of yet," he said.
The group also urged its members to use a hand sanitizer and take vitamins to boost their immune systems - and urged parents will keep sick kids away.
"If you contact AORBS, we will do our best to get a Santa to come to your home so you won't be exposing other children," Mr Trolli said.
The rival Santa America group is also calling for Santa Claus be made a priority group for the swine flu vaccine - much like health care workers.
Next thing you know, a group representing reindeer will demand that they be put on the priority list because they're close to Santa. No mention as to whether the Mrs. Claus's are demanding equal representation...elves... It just never ends.
What is happening to Santa and his Christmas spirit? Seems that a group of Santas is demanding because they seem to believe it's due to them, priority in as far as receiving flu shots.
The group - the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas even held a seminar on the virus at a recent conference in Philadelphia.
What next? How to appear non-threatening to children and wear a face mask 101?
AORBS - that's them - is now lobbying for its members to be put on the much sought after swine flu vaccination priority list.
Group President, one Nicholas Trolli, said the campaign was "not so much to protect the Santa, but to help protect the public".
"I have heard across the country numerous Santas who have actually had the swine flu, but I have not heard reports back of any of our Santas being able to get the swine flu shot as of yet," he said.
The group also urged its members to use a hand sanitizer and take vitamins to boost their immune systems - and urged parents will keep sick kids away.
"If you contact AORBS, we will do our best to get a Santa to come to your home so you won't be exposing other children," Mr Trolli said.
The rival Santa America group is also calling for Santa Claus be made a priority group for the swine flu vaccine - much like health care workers.
Next thing you know, a group representing reindeer will demand that they be put on the priority list because they're close to Santa. No mention as to whether the Mrs. Claus's are demanding equal representation...elves... It just never ends.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Ho-no! Santa and elves are not amused!
A long time Christmas favorite could be on its way out - key word 'could' - if the U.S. Postal Service holds fast to its initial decision to prevent Santa from answering his mail. Not just any mail but personal letters mailed to him at his home in North Pole, Alaska, specificing desired gifts or favors that only Santa can bestow.
The heart of the matter goes back a year when a postal worker in Maryland recognized an Operation Santa volunteer as a registered sex offender and intervened to ensure that no childern ever received any mail. Henceforth, the Postal Service made the decision to tighten the rules, which included the letter to and from Santa program.
Expectedly, people living in the town of North Pole (most likely including some of Santa's helpers)are incensed with the unpopular changes, since the letter program is
People in North Pole are incensed with the change being that it's a revered holiday tradition where light posts are curved and striped like candy canes and streets have names such as Kris Kringle Drive and Santa Claus Lane. Volunteers in the letter program even sign the response letters as Santa’s elves and helpers.
Aw.... That's like...so merry and Christmas-like!
Anyway, the Mayor of North Pole, one Doug Isaacson understands the cautionary move but is incensed that his program should be eliminiated due to a sex offender's action on the East Coast.
Losing the Santa-letter title is a blow to the community of 2,100 people, who pride themselves on their Christmas ties. Huge tourist attractions here include an everything-Christmas store, Santa Claus House, and the post office, where visitors can get a hand-stamped postmark on their postcards and packages if they ask for it.
Santa Claus House, built like a Swiss chalet and chock full of all items Christmas, sells more than 100,000 letters from Santa and one of the lures is the postmark.
Being that this is the season for good turnarounds, there's word that volunteers living in the town have met with U.S. Postal Service officials in an attempt to work out a means in which kiddie's letters to Santa can still be sent to the town.
Children can only hope. And so can the parents.
Here's the home page for North Pole, Alaska:
http://northpolealaska.com/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1
NEWS UPDATE: SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21. GOOD NEWS!
Most likely due to strong public outcry, the powers-that-be have decided to re-instate Santa and his letters.
"This decision today by the Postal Service brings the Christmas spirit back to Alaska," Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski said.
Indeed.
The heart of the matter goes back a year when a postal worker in Maryland recognized an Operation Santa volunteer as a registered sex offender and intervened to ensure that no childern ever received any mail. Henceforth, the Postal Service made the decision to tighten the rules, which included the letter to and from Santa program.
Expectedly, people living in the town of North Pole (most likely including some of Santa's helpers)are incensed with the unpopular changes, since the letter program is
People in North Pole are incensed with the change being that it's a revered holiday tradition where light posts are curved and striped like candy canes and streets have names such as Kris Kringle Drive and Santa Claus Lane. Volunteers in the letter program even sign the response letters as Santa’s elves and helpers.
Aw.... That's like...so merry and Christmas-like!
Anyway, the Mayor of North Pole, one Doug Isaacson understands the cautionary move but is incensed that his program should be eliminiated due to a sex offender's action on the East Coast.
Losing the Santa-letter title is a blow to the community of 2,100 people, who pride themselves on their Christmas ties. Huge tourist attractions here include an everything-Christmas store, Santa Claus House, and the post office, where visitors can get a hand-stamped postmark on their postcards and packages if they ask for it.
Santa Claus House, built like a Swiss chalet and chock full of all items Christmas, sells more than 100,000 letters from Santa and one of the lures is the postmark.
Being that this is the season for good turnarounds, there's word that volunteers living in the town have met with U.S. Postal Service officials in an attempt to work out a means in which kiddie's letters to Santa can still be sent to the town.
Children can only hope. And so can the parents.
Here's the home page for North Pole, Alaska:
http://northpolealaska.com/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1
NEWS UPDATE: SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21. GOOD NEWS!
Most likely due to strong public outcry, the powers-that-be have decided to re-instate Santa and his letters.
"This decision today by the Postal Service brings the Christmas spirit back to Alaska," Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski said.
Indeed.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Hunk'a Elvis hair sells for $15,000 - with or without dandruff
I dunno. The world is getting stranger and stranger when an alleged clump of Elvis Presley's hair goes for $15,000 in Chicago. "Alleged" because there is no real means in which to authenticate as to whether it really was "the King's" hair unless they do a DNA test but I guess the purchaser was willing to accept the seller's word.
The hair - no mention of its condition or whether or not it was stored in moth balls - was supposed to have been trimmed from Elvis's head when he joined the U.S. Army in 1958. That would make it (the hair) 51 years old! Like...why would anyone want to keep hair that is more than a half-century old? More to the point, pay real hard cash for it? What does the new owner do with the hair, anyway? Put it in a display case and invite people over to see it? A photo of Elvis is definitely preferable or a belt, or even a tube of makeup that he used for his shows, but a hunk of hair? Pass!
There were other Elvis-related items on the auction block that went for hefty bids including:
An Elvis shirt that sold for $52,000 (no mention of sweat rings, which in theory could have made it more lucrative i.e. Elvis's real sweat!).
A set of concert-used hankerchiefs for $732 (no mention again if they were used during a concert or whenor if he had a cold)
Photos of the wedding reception of Priscilla and Elvis brought in a lowly $6,000.
All the items belonged to one Gary Pepper, who ran his fan club at one point and was a personal friend of the late singer.
Meanwhile, here's some photos and information on all the items that were up for sale, in case someone wants a group of Elvis's army dog tags or - wait for it - two white roses and other items from Elvis's funeral. I mean - talk about macabre! Next thing you know they'll be selling a snip of the material that lined Elvis's coffin.
Meanwhile, wanna make a bid?
http://www.liveauctioneers.com/catalog/19734/page3
The hair - no mention of its condition or whether or not it was stored in moth balls - was supposed to have been trimmed from Elvis's head when he joined the U.S. Army in 1958. That would make it (the hair) 51 years old! Like...why would anyone want to keep hair that is more than a half-century old? More to the point, pay real hard cash for it? What does the new owner do with the hair, anyway? Put it in a display case and invite people over to see it? A photo of Elvis is definitely preferable or a belt, or even a tube of makeup that he used for his shows, but a hunk of hair? Pass!
There were other Elvis-related items on the auction block that went for hefty bids including:
An Elvis shirt that sold for $52,000 (no mention of sweat rings, which in theory could have made it more lucrative i.e. Elvis's real sweat!).
A set of concert-used hankerchiefs for $732 (no mention again if they were used during a concert or whenor if he had a cold)
Photos of the wedding reception of Priscilla and Elvis brought in a lowly $6,000.
All the items belonged to one Gary Pepper, who ran his fan club at one point and was a personal friend of the late singer.
Meanwhile, here's some photos and information on all the items that were up for sale, in case someone wants a group of Elvis's army dog tags or - wait for it - two white roses and other items from Elvis's funeral. I mean - talk about macabre! Next thing you know they'll be selling a snip of the material that lined Elvis's coffin.
Meanwhile, wanna make a bid?
http://www.liveauctioneers.com/catalog/19734/page3
Friday, October 02, 2009
Bra cups runneth over as a gas mask
For most females (and males as the case may be) a bra is something one wears to enhance/shape/retain/contain one's breasts. There could be other lesser known uses, for example, a sling-shot or a small container in which to carry seashells collected on a beach. Interesting but lesser-known stuff. However, the winner of the 2009 Ig Nobel Prize, one Dr. Elena Bodnar, took home the public health prize for creating a dual bra that could be converted (if necessary obviously) into two gas masks.
Note the "Ig" in front of Nobel Prize signifying that this is not "the" Nobel Prize, which usually spring to mind. In fact, "The Ig Nobel Prizes' - there are numerous categories - honor achievements that first make people laugh, and then make them think. The prizes are intended to celebrate the unusual, honor the imaginative and spur people's interest in science, medicine, and technology."
Obviously pleased to be a recipient and winner, Dr. Bodnar did a demo and then gave the Nobel laureates each their very own gas bra/gas mask.
So this leads one - me - to wonder about the comfort aspect of this bra-come-gas mask. Is it padded to prevent chaffing from the gas...whatevers? More importantly, how many colors does it come in? Are there different cup sizes or is it a one-size-fits-all?
The mind boggles at its potential usage in the military. A soldier (female and/or male) who wears said double-duty bra, could when there is the scent of gas and lurking danger, disrobe, unhook said bra and place it on their face(s). This act in itself could cause a shock wave among the enemy. I mean, it's rare for your average person to walk around with a bra over one's face, period. Then again, the time delay in actually getting access to the bra might be a problem.
The ceremony was organized by the magazine, "The Annals of Improbable Research", which is a good name given the nature of the awards. For the full list of names, try this site:
http://improbable.com/ig/winners/
And for a diagram of the winning bra...that is to say, gas mask...whatever, try here:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8285380.stm
Note the "Ig" in front of Nobel Prize signifying that this is not "the" Nobel Prize, which usually spring to mind. In fact, "The Ig Nobel Prizes' - there are numerous categories - honor achievements that first make people laugh, and then make them think. The prizes are intended to celebrate the unusual, honor the imaginative and spur people's interest in science, medicine, and technology."
Obviously pleased to be a recipient and winner, Dr. Bodnar did a demo and then gave the Nobel laureates each their very own gas bra/gas mask.
So this leads one - me - to wonder about the comfort aspect of this bra-come-gas mask. Is it padded to prevent chaffing from the gas...whatevers? More importantly, how many colors does it come in? Are there different cup sizes or is it a one-size-fits-all?
The mind boggles at its potential usage in the military. A soldier (female and/or male) who wears said double-duty bra, could when there is the scent of gas and lurking danger, disrobe, unhook said bra and place it on their face(s). This act in itself could cause a shock wave among the enemy. I mean, it's rare for your average person to walk around with a bra over one's face, period. Then again, the time delay in actually getting access to the bra might be a problem.
The ceremony was organized by the magazine, "The Annals of Improbable Research", which is a good name given the nature of the awards. For the full list of names, try this site:
http://improbable.com/ig/winners/
And for a diagram of the winning bra...that is to say, gas mask...whatever, try here:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8285380.stm
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Brits suffer cookie injuries
Why anyone would want a survey focusing on cookie accidents is puzzling but then this story comes from England, where scientists produce some very "interesting" studies.
According to a new survey written up in the Daily Telegraph, more than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits. You read it right: good, old cookies. We're not talking anything physical like angry tea drinkers tossing biscuits at each other. Britons are a civilized lot and would never deem to such actions. It appears that an estimated 25 million adults have been injured while dunking their biscuits or breaking a tooth. Go figure that dunking a biscuit could be dangerous but I digress. What's more, 500 people have actually gone to the hospital as a result of their injury.
"Well doctor – I was dunking my chocolate biscuit in my tea, not realizing that the water was scalding hot and burned my lip," a tea drinker might offer in the way of an explanation. Or "well doctor - I was digesting the remnants of my vanilla cream, my favorite biscuit and suddenly some crumbs got caught in my throat. I choked so much that my dog, Cedric, became alarmed and barked, which alerted my wife, Priscilla, who gave me CPR. Unfortunately, she broke a few ribs not knowing that the problem area was my throat."
It seems that custard creams are deemed the most dangerous risk at 5.63 according to The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation. Does this group really exist and if so, why haven't North American companies been using their services? Jaffa cakes on the other hand, are rates the safest biscuits at 1.16. This important stuff we all should know!
Research company, Mindlab International were commissioned by Rocky, a chocolate biscuit bar, to conduct the research. So this begs the question as to why Rocky would pay a company to rate biscuits, period.
According to the results, it found almost a third of adults said they had been splashed or scalded by hot drinks while dunking or trying to fish the remnants of a collapsed digestive. Presumably, "fish the remnants" can be interpreted as inserting one's forefinger down one's throat in an attempt to dislodge a stuck piece. It also revealed 28 per cent had choked on crumbs while one in 10 had broken a tooth or filling biting a biscuit.
Now here's the big reveal: three per cent had poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit and seven per cent bitten by a pet or "other wild animal" trying to get their biscuit.
And you thought cookies were a safe food.
According to a new survey written up in the Daily Telegraph, more than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits. You read it right: good, old cookies. We're not talking anything physical like angry tea drinkers tossing biscuits at each other. Britons are a civilized lot and would never deem to such actions. It appears that an estimated 25 million adults have been injured while dunking their biscuits or breaking a tooth. Go figure that dunking a biscuit could be dangerous but I digress. What's more, 500 people have actually gone to the hospital as a result of their injury.
"Well doctor – I was dunking my chocolate biscuit in my tea, not realizing that the water was scalding hot and burned my lip," a tea drinker might offer in the way of an explanation. Or "well doctor - I was digesting the remnants of my vanilla cream, my favorite biscuit and suddenly some crumbs got caught in my throat. I choked so much that my dog, Cedric, became alarmed and barked, which alerted my wife, Priscilla, who gave me CPR. Unfortunately, she broke a few ribs not knowing that the problem area was my throat."
It seems that custard creams are deemed the most dangerous risk at 5.63 according to The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation. Does this group really exist and if so, why haven't North American companies been using their services? Jaffa cakes on the other hand, are rates the safest biscuits at 1.16. This important stuff we all should know!
Research company, Mindlab International were commissioned by Rocky, a chocolate biscuit bar, to conduct the research. So this begs the question as to why Rocky would pay a company to rate biscuits, period.
According to the results, it found almost a third of adults said they had been splashed or scalded by hot drinks while dunking or trying to fish the remnants of a collapsed digestive. Presumably, "fish the remnants" can be interpreted as inserting one's forefinger down one's throat in an attempt to dislodge a stuck piece. It also revealed 28 per cent had choked on crumbs while one in 10 had broken a tooth or filling biting a biscuit.
Now here's the big reveal: three per cent had poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit and seven per cent bitten by a pet or "other wild animal" trying to get their biscuit.
And you thought cookies were a safe food.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Britain has its own Roswell? Did they or didn't they?
By now everyone - at least those who are into UFO sightings - are aware of Roswell and the controversy it has created over the years. Was it real...weather balloons...piece of alien spacecraft. Anywaaaaay...
It appears that staid Britain could have had its own UFO occurrence known locally as the "Rendlesham Incident" that happened in 1980 when U.S. air force pilots saw strange lights in Suffolk, England.
The one-time head of the armed forces told the defence secretary a UFO claim known as Britain's Roswell could be a "banana skin", newly released files show.
Banana skin? As in peel from the fruit? Perhaps UFO'logists have been looking in the wrong place but I digress. (Note: the term "banana skin" is British slang for potential political embarrassment).
The "Rendlesham incident" involved American flyers from RAF Woodbridge who reported seeing mysterious lights. Witnesses reported seeing the UFO transmit blue pulsating lights that sent local farm animals to go wacko. In the way of an explanation that did not include a weather balloon this time, an ex-US security policeman Kevin Conde admitted that he and another airman had shone patrol car lights through the trees and made noises on the loudspeaker as a prank. There is no truth to the rumor, either, than Mariah Carey's crew was testing their equipment at the time or that KISS was preparing for another world tour.
Other more recent incidents in the latest batch of documents, which cover the years 1981 to 1996, include:
• Two men from Staffordshire who told police that, as they returned home from an evening out in 1995, an alien appeared under a hovering UFO hoping to take them away (this begs the question as to why they didn't)
• More than 30 sightings of bright lights over central England during a six-hour period in 1993, which led to the assistant chief of defence staff being briefed - and turned out to be caused by a Russian rocket re-entering the atmosphere
• Several sightings in Bonnybridge, central Scotland, which became the UK's UFO hotspot during the 1990s
• A UFO which was seen over the jazz stage at the Glastonbury Festival in June 1994. The two female witnesses reported that they turned to the people next to them to verify what they had seen but "they didn't look hard enough or take it seriously"
So what does this all mean in the scheme of things?
- UFO sightings leapt from 117 in 1995 to 609 in 1996 - the year that Will Smith's alien invader blockbuster Independence Day was released and alien conspiracy series The X Files was at the height of its popularity with UK audiences
- Dr David Clarke, a UFO expert and journalism lecturer at Sheffield Hallam University, said it was significant that one of the biggest years for reports previously had been 1978, which saw 750 - at the same time that Steven Spielberg's blockbuster Close Encounters of the Third Kind was released.
So now it's not a weather balloon but mass hysteria as a result of the release of alien-related films. At least it's original and a good explanation as any. The controversy will continue until actual, real aliens make a landing and are interviewed on CNN by Anderson Cooper.
Meanwhile, watch the short video with some videos purportedly capturing UFO'S, a discussion whether or not UFO's are real plus some possible explanations here:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8202157.stm
It appears that staid Britain could have had its own UFO occurrence known locally as the "Rendlesham Incident" that happened in 1980 when U.S. air force pilots saw strange lights in Suffolk, England.
The one-time head of the armed forces told the defence secretary a UFO claim known as Britain's Roswell could be a "banana skin", newly released files show.
Banana skin? As in peel from the fruit? Perhaps UFO'logists have been looking in the wrong place but I digress. (Note: the term "banana skin" is British slang for potential political embarrassment).
The "Rendlesham incident" involved American flyers from RAF Woodbridge who reported seeing mysterious lights. Witnesses reported seeing the UFO transmit blue pulsating lights that sent local farm animals to go wacko. In the way of an explanation that did not include a weather balloon this time, an ex-US security policeman Kevin Conde admitted that he and another airman had shone patrol car lights through the trees and made noises on the loudspeaker as a prank. There is no truth to the rumor, either, than Mariah Carey's crew was testing their equipment at the time or that KISS was preparing for another world tour.
Other more recent incidents in the latest batch of documents, which cover the years 1981 to 1996, include:
• Two men from Staffordshire who told police that, as they returned home from an evening out in 1995, an alien appeared under a hovering UFO hoping to take them away (this begs the question as to why they didn't)
• More than 30 sightings of bright lights over central England during a six-hour period in 1993, which led to the assistant chief of defence staff being briefed - and turned out to be caused by a Russian rocket re-entering the atmosphere
• Several sightings in Bonnybridge, central Scotland, which became the UK's UFO hotspot during the 1990s
• A UFO which was seen over the jazz stage at the Glastonbury Festival in June 1994. The two female witnesses reported that they turned to the people next to them to verify what they had seen but "they didn't look hard enough or take it seriously"
So what does this all mean in the scheme of things?
- UFO sightings leapt from 117 in 1995 to 609 in 1996 - the year that Will Smith's alien invader blockbuster Independence Day was released and alien conspiracy series The X Files was at the height of its popularity with UK audiences
- Dr David Clarke, a UFO expert and journalism lecturer at Sheffield Hallam University, said it was significant that one of the biggest years for reports previously had been 1978, which saw 750 - at the same time that Steven Spielberg's blockbuster Close Encounters of the Third Kind was released.
So now it's not a weather balloon but mass hysteria as a result of the release of alien-related films. At least it's original and a good explanation as any. The controversy will continue until actual, real aliens make a landing and are interviewed on CNN by Anderson Cooper.
Meanwhile, watch the short video with some videos purportedly capturing UFO'S, a discussion whether or not UFO's are real plus some possible explanations here:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8202157.stm
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Look up - is it...could it be...flying cheddar?
Let's say you're walking along minding your own business enjoying everything the summer has to offer when suddenly you spot a colored object flying and/or floating in the sky. The object doesn't emit any sound so an airplane is out. Upon closer examination it appears to be yellow-ish or orange-ish, wedge shaped and the question arises as to whether aliens are becoming more creative and assuming the guise of cheese. There is a simple and much more weird explanation along with essential background information.
Y'see... the West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers group wanted to be the first to send a piece of cheese into space. You read it right: cheese into space.
Shades of Monty Python!
So on Tuesday, July 28, they launched a 300g wedge of cheddar cheese into space, suspended under a weather balloon. This makes one (at least me) wonder if this could be the real explanation for the UFO landing in Roswell, New Mexico. It really wasn't a UFO but a wedge of cheddar cheese. It's possible!
Furthermore, not your mozzarella or French brie or good, old American cheese but a chunk of British cheddar.
The aim was to send the cheese 18.5 miles into earth's upper atmosphere where they anticipated (and hoped presumably) the cheese would explode and float back to earth via parachute.
If this had worked you can imagine the reaction of people experiencing raining cheese.
As is frequently the case, things didn't work out exactly as planned since the GPS tracking system broke down along the way and the cheesemakers have lost the cheddar chunk. As in gone. Vanished. Pfft.
They're assuming its location is somewhere along a 200-mile corridor in southern England but they're not sure. The launch was made to mark the 40th anniversary of NASA's lunar landings.
This is the same group by the way, that used a webcam to enable people to watch a slab of cheddar age in 2007. Talk about excitement!
Meanwhile if you come accross the cheese, you might want to alert the organizers:
http://www.farmhousecheesemakers.com/
Or just open a bottle of wine and enjoy.
Y'see... the West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers group wanted to be the first to send a piece of cheese into space. You read it right: cheese into space.
Shades of Monty Python!
So on Tuesday, July 28, they launched a 300g wedge of cheddar cheese into space, suspended under a weather balloon. This makes one (at least me) wonder if this could be the real explanation for the UFO landing in Roswell, New Mexico. It really wasn't a UFO but a wedge of cheddar cheese. It's possible!
Furthermore, not your mozzarella or French brie or good, old American cheese but a chunk of British cheddar.
The aim was to send the cheese 18.5 miles into earth's upper atmosphere where they anticipated (and hoped presumably) the cheese would explode and float back to earth via parachute.
If this had worked you can imagine the reaction of people experiencing raining cheese.
As is frequently the case, things didn't work out exactly as planned since the GPS tracking system broke down along the way and the cheesemakers have lost the cheddar chunk. As in gone. Vanished. Pfft.
They're assuming its location is somewhere along a 200-mile corridor in southern England but they're not sure. The launch was made to mark the 40th anniversary of NASA's lunar landings.
This is the same group by the way, that used a webcam to enable people to watch a slab of cheddar age in 2007. Talk about excitement!
Meanwhile if you come accross the cheese, you might want to alert the organizers:
http://www.farmhousecheesemakers.com/
Or just open a bottle of wine and enjoy.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Wanted: witch - some experience would be helpful
Looking for a job that definitely could be classified as "different?"A tourist attraction, Wookey Hole, located near Wells, Somerset, England is advertising in the local Job Centre for a witch. Duties include teaching visitors about witchcraft and magic and the successful applicant should be a good cackler and not be allergic to cats. Sounds reasonable.
The person - it's open to both females and males - who replaces the current witch who retired, will receive a salary of £50,000 pro rata based on work during school holidays and weekends. The job duties will be focused on summer holidays including Halloween and Christmas.
Legend has it that the caves were home to the Wookey Witch who was turned to stone by Father Bernard who had been appointed by the Abbott of Glastonbury to rid villagers of her curse.
Right now you're probably asking yourselves how does one go about applying for this job?
Auditions for the role are being held on July 28 in front of a panel of judges who will assess applicants costume and character as well as the ability to perform witch tests.
Witch tests? As in curses and other witch stuff?
According to the people posting the vacancy:
- Interviews for the post will involve on-site assessment incorporating a range or standard tasks.
- Ambitious witches, looking for a key career move, should turn up dressed for work and bring any essential witch accoutrements.
- A limited range of potion ingredients will be available.
- We are witchless at the moment so we need to get the role filled as soon as possible.
- We are looking for someone who is friendly, a little mischievous and with lots of character.
No information regarding whether or not wands and/or brooms will be provided.
A photo of the current witch who is going into retirement can be found here:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5769160/Witch-required-for-Wookey-Hole-Caves---must-be-able-to-cackle.html
The person - it's open to both females and males - who replaces the current witch who retired, will receive a salary of £50,000 pro rata based on work during school holidays and weekends. The job duties will be focused on summer holidays including Halloween and Christmas.
Legend has it that the caves were home to the Wookey Witch who was turned to stone by Father Bernard who had been appointed by the Abbott of Glastonbury to rid villagers of her curse.
Right now you're probably asking yourselves how does one go about applying for this job?
Auditions for the role are being held on July 28 in front of a panel of judges who will assess applicants costume and character as well as the ability to perform witch tests.
Witch tests? As in curses and other witch stuff?
According to the people posting the vacancy:
- Interviews for the post will involve on-site assessment incorporating a range or standard tasks.
- Ambitious witches, looking for a key career move, should turn up dressed for work and bring any essential witch accoutrements.
- A limited range of potion ingredients will be available.
- We are witchless at the moment so we need to get the role filled as soon as possible.
- We are looking for someone who is friendly, a little mischievous and with lots of character.
No information regarding whether or not wands and/or brooms will be provided.
A photo of the current witch who is going into retirement can be found here:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5769160/Witch-required-for-Wookey-Hole-Caves---must-be-able-to-cackle.html
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
A soul of a deal
On occasion many of us have uttered the phrase, "I'd sell my soul for (insert deep, inner-most desire)..." A loan company in Latvia is offering people this exact deal whereby people sign away their soul as collateral.
Shades of Daniel Webster!
The company in question, Kontora Loan Company in Latvia, makes the deal complete with a contract with the word, "Agreement" in bold letters on the top that includes the wording, "that is, my immortal soul."
So this leads one to wonder (okay - me) if they employ a soul-collector and how she/he collects on a bad debt. Does someone employed by the company show up at the door ready to take possession of the soul? If so - where do they store them...the souls? Is there a soul repository? So many questions and so few answers!
According to a company spokesperson, the company does not employ debt collectors in order to retrieve a bad loan, neither do they use physical violence.
Latvia has been the EU nation worst hit by economic crisis.
The deal is based on trust to repay small loans amounting to $500 for 1-90 days at a high interest rate.
He said about 200 people had taken out loans over the two months the business was in operation.
Shades of Daniel Webster!
The company in question, Kontora Loan Company in Latvia, makes the deal complete with a contract with the word, "Agreement" in bold letters on the top that includes the wording, "that is, my immortal soul."
So this leads one to wonder (okay - me) if they employ a soul-collector and how she/he collects on a bad debt. Does someone employed by the company show up at the door ready to take possession of the soul? If so - where do they store them...the souls? Is there a soul repository? So many questions and so few answers!
According to a company spokesperson, the company does not employ debt collectors in order to retrieve a bad loan, neither do they use physical violence.
Latvia has been the EU nation worst hit by economic crisis.
The deal is based on trust to repay small loans amounting to $500 for 1-90 days at a high interest rate.
He said about 200 people had taken out loans over the two months the business was in operation.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
And so they entered the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
So y'see - it was a dark and story night...
Many a story has been written over the years - even centuries, maybe with a sentence starting in those exact words. Every year the English Dept. at San Jose State University sponsors what could definitely be labeled as a "different" writing competition, The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Here is a brief history and some background information:
"Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. The contest (hereafter referred to as the BLFC) was the brainchild (or Rosemary's baby) of Professor Scott Rice, whose graduate school excavations unearthed the source of the line "It was a dark and stormy night." Sentenced to write a seminar paper on a minor Victorian novelist, he chose the man with the funny hyphenated name, Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who was best known for perpetrating "The Last Days of Pompeii", Eugene Aram, Rienzi, The Caxtons, The Coming Race, and--not least--Paul Clifford, whose famous opener has been plagiarized repeatedly by the cartoon beagle Snoopy. No less impressively, Lytton coined phrases that have become common parlance in our language: "the pen is mightier than the sword," "the great unwashed," and "the almighty dollar" (the latter from The Coming Race, now available from the Broadview Press)."
So let's just move on to the winners, shall we? Congratulations to the following for creating such - um - diverse and - um - different but definitely entertaining material:
THE WINNING ENTRY:
"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."
David McKenzieFederal Way, WA
The winner of 2009 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is David McKenzie, a 55-year-old Quality Systems consultant and writer from Federal Way, Washington. A contest recidivist, he has formerly won the Western and Children's Literature categories.
Runner-Up:
"The wind dry-shaved the cracked earth like a dull razor--the double edge kind from the plastic bag that you shouldn't use more than twice, but you do; but Trevor Earp had to face it as he started the second morning of his hopeless search for Drover, the Irish Wolfhound he had found as a pup near death from a fight with a prairie dog and nursed back to health, stolen by a traveling circus so that the monkey would have something to ride."
Warren Blair Ashburn, VA
Grand Panjandrum's Special Award
"Fleur looked down her nose at Guilliame, something she was accomplished at, being six foot three in her stocking feet, and having one of those long French noses, not pert like Bridget Bardot's, but more like the one that Charles De Gaulle had when he was still alive and President of France and he wore that cap that was shaped like a little hatbox with a bill in the front to offset his nose, but it didn't work. "
Marguerite Ahl Prescott valley, AZ
Winner: Adventure
"How best to pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the demonic Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape."
Joe WyattAmarillo, Texas
Runner-Up
In a flurry of flame and fur, fangs and wicker, thus ended the world's first and only hot air baboon ride.
Tony AlfieriLos Angeles, CA
Dishonorable Mention
Karen Buffalo, sensing that her 1894 Brassic & Middon .45 calibre revolvers, mounted with mother-of-pearl grips and clasped by ivory buttons carved in the shape of elephants at play, were no match for 'Duke' Bunton's double-barreled shotgun, muttered under her breath "Darn that Parisian gunsmith in the Fourteenth Arrondisement!"
Mark A. Gray WOKINGHAM Berks., U.K.
Winner: Detective
She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida - the pink ones, not the white ones - except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't.
Eric RiceSun Prairie, WI
Runner-Up
The dame sauntered silently into Rocco's office, but she didn't need to speak; the blood-soaked gown hugging her ample curves said it all: "I am a shipping heiress whose second husband was just murdered by Albanian assassins trying to blackmail me for my rare opal collection," or maybe, "Do you know a good dry cleaner?"
Tony AlfieriLos Angeles, CA
Dishonorable Mentions
The appearance of a thin red beam of light under my office door and the sound of one, then two pair of feet meant my demise was near, that my journey from gum-shoe detective to international agent had gone horribly wrong, until I realized it was my secretary teasing her cat with a laser pointer.
Steve LynchSan Marcos, CA
After quickly scrutinizing the two dangerously buff men coming toward her in the dark and wondering whether she could take them both out, P.I. Velma Plusch mentally inventoried her arsenal-two pistols, two stiletto-clad feet, two leather-gloved hands, two each eyes, ears, lips, and breasts-and decided that she could.
Donna Kain, Ph.D. Greenville, NC
Detective Pierson mentally reviewed the group of suspects milling around the recent crime scene-two young siblings eating gingerbread, a young girl in a red hoodie, a beautiful girl with narcolepsy, and seven little people with the profession of miners-then gave his statement of "It's a grim tale" to the press. Shannon GrayWichita, KS
Darnell knew he was getting hung out to dry when the D.A. made him come clean by airing other people's dirty laundry; the plea deal was a new wrinkle and there were still issues to iron out, but he hoped it would all come out in the wash - otherwise he had folded like a cheap suit for nothing.
Lynn LamousinBaton Rouge, LA
I entered the bedroom again, looking for anything the killer might have missed in his obvious attempt to clean the crime scene, when it hit me, the victim hadn't been eating just any potato salad, it was German potato salad, the kind usually served warm, with bacon and although most people prefer the traditional American potato salad, it was clear that this victim didn't, oh no, he didn't prefer it at all.
Lisa Lindquist-PerezDaytona Beach, FL
No man is an island, so they say, although the small crustaceans and the bird which sat impassively on Dirk Manhope's chest as he floated lazily in the pool would probably disagree.
Glen RobinsBrighton, East Sussex, U.K.
It was a quarter 'til eight in the ninth precinct when I got the call of a possible two-eleven at a nearby Seven-Eleven that turned out to be just a four-fifteen--that is until my number two from the ninth discovered the one-eight-seven under the Tenth Street Bridge, some two-bit mob soldier with a blossom of five .357's right in the ten-ring.
Jeff RileyFort Worth, TX
Winner: Fantasy Fiction
A quest is not to be undertaken lightly--or at all!--pondered Hlothgar, Thrag of the Western Boglands, son of Glothar, nephew of Garthol, known far and wide as Skull Dunker, as he wielded his chesty stallion Hralgoth through the ever-darkening Thlargwood, beyond which, if he survived its horrors and if Hroglath the royal spittle reader spoke true, his destiny awaited--all this though his years numbered but fourteen.
Stuart GreenmanSeattle, WA
Runner-Up
Towards the dragon's lair the fellowship marched -- a noble human prince, a fair elf, a surly dwarf, and a disheveled copyright attorney who was frantically trying to find a way to differentiate this story from "Lord of the Rings."
Andrew ManoskeFoster City, CA
Winner: Historical Fiction
The Cunard "Carinthia" glided through the starry waters of the Bering Sea, 843 passengers aboard, including Harriet Dobbs, resignedly single for over a decade, while a nautical mile due west slunk the K-18 submarine, under the command of lonely Ukrainian Captain First Rank Nikolai Shevchenko: ships that passed in the night (although the second technically a boat).
Dr. Sarah CockramEdinburgh, U.K.
Runner-Up
On a fine summer morning during the days of the Puritans, the prison door in the small New England town of B----n opened to release a convicted adulteress, the Scarlet Letter A embroidered on her dress, along with the Scarlet Letters B through J, a veritable McGuffey's Reader of Scarlet Letters, one for each little tyke waiting for her at the gate.
Joseph AsplerKirkland, QC, Canada
Winner: Purple Prose
The gutters of Manhattan teemed with the brackish slurry indicative of a significant though not incapacitating snowstorm three days prior, making it seem that God had tripped over Hoboken and spilled his smog-flavored slurpie all over the damn place.
Eric StovekenAllentown, PA
Runner-Up
Warily-as if his hands were a green-bean casserole in a non-tempered glass dish that had just come out of the freezer, and the patient was an oven that had been preheating for a good 75 minutes at 450F-the surgeon slowly reached into the incision and groped for the bullet fragment in the pancreas, at last finding it nestled near one of the Islets of Langerhans like a small wrecked lifeboat foundered on a sandbar as it floated in the fog, adrift in the Sea of John's Innards.
Christin KeckAkron OH
Dishonorable Mentions
Mortimer froze in his tracks; the rhythmic clicking on the stones of the path (well . . . not really a clicking sound so much as a kind of clinking sound, more like the noise made by shaking a charm bracelet filled with Disney characters to a salsa beat) made him suddenly realize he had forgotten to buckle one of his galoshes.
Rick CheesemanWaconia, MN
Without warning, their darting tongues entwined, like a couple of nightcrawlers fresh from the baitshop--their moist, twisting bodies finally snapping apart, not unlike an old man's muddy galosh being yanked away from his patent leather shoe.
Matt DennisonErie, PA
She expected a beautiful morning after the previous night's hard rain but instead stepped out her door to a horrible vision of drowned earthworms covering the walkway -- their bodies curled and swirled like limp confetti after a party crashed by firefighters.
Rita HammettBoca Raton, Florida
The first time I saw her she took my breath away with her long blonde hair that flowed over her shoulders like cheese sauce on a bed of nachos, making my stomach grumble as she stepped into the room, her red knit dress locking in curves better than a Ferrari at a Grand Prix.
Harol Hoffman-MeisnerGreensboro, NC
He slowly ran his fingers through her long black hair, which wasn't really black because she used Preference by L'Oreal to color it (because "she was worth it"); her carrot-colored roots were starting to show, and it reminded him of the time he'd covered his car's check engine light with black electrical tape, but a faint orange glow still shone around the edges.
Lisa Mileusnich Willoughby, OH
Their relationship hit a bump in the road, not the low, graceful kind of bump, reminiscent of a child's choo choo train-themed roller coaster, rather the kind of tall, narrow speed-bump that, if a school bus ran over it, would cause even a fat kid to fly up and bang his head on the ceiling.
Michael ReadeDurham, NC
It was a dark and stormy night, well, not pitch dark so much a plumby, you know, that time of night where it turns into that kind of eggplant color, which I hate-- eggplant not the time of night--and it wasn't stormy so much as drizzly, like a cold that's not so bad but really annoying, where you sound a little plugged up and all your mucus just sort of hovers at the edge of your nostrils or drips down the back of your throat, it was like that.
Maisey YatesJacksonville, OR
Winner: Romance
Melinda woke up suddenly to the sound of her trailer being pounded with wind and hail, and she couldn't help thinking that if she had only put her prized hog up for adoption last May, none of this would be happening, no one would have gotten hurt, and she wouldn't be left with only nine toes, or be living in a mobile home park in Nebraska with a second-rate trapeze artist named Fred. Ada Marie FinkelBoston, MA
Runner-Up
The first time I saw her she took my breath away with her long blonde hair that flowed over her shoulders like cheese sauce on a bed of nachos, making my stomach grumble as she stepped into the room, her red knit dress locking in curves better than a Ferrari at a Grand Prix.
Harol Hoffman-MeisnerGreensboro, NC
Dishonorable Mention
As she slowly drove up the long, winding driveway, Lady Alicia peeked out the window of her shiny blue Mercedes and spied Rodrigo the new gardener standing on a grassy mound with his long black hair flowing in the wind, his brown eyes piercing into her very soul, and his white shirt open to the waist, revealing his beautifully rippling muscular chest, and she thought to herself, "I must tell that lazy idiot to trim the hedges by the gate."
Kathryn MinicozziBronx, NY
Winner: Science Fiction
The golden, starry wonders of the dark universe unfurled before the brave interstellar vessel "Argus" like a black flag of victory with a whole bunch of holes in it as the mysterious mission buoyantly commenced that would one day resolve critical questions about space, time, and the appropriate ratio of nuts to chips in a perfect chocolate chip cookie.
Robert Friedman Skillman, NJ
Runner-Up
George scratched his head in abject puzzlement as he tried to figure out where he'd parked the rocket this time in the 100-acre parking lot of Nallmart 75B, but then he remembered that a ship-boy had taken his DNA key-but which one, the kelly toned humanoid or the atmosphere-of-Rylak-hued android; scanning the horizon, he at last turned to Babs and asked "how green was my valet"?
Leigh A. SmithNew Douglas, IL
Winner: Spy Fiction
Oliver Smith, spy on Her Majesty's service - not that she knew about it, because that tended to spoil the whole secrecy thing and really, who'd want an un-secret spy, anyway? Not to mention that any spy worth his salt would kill anybody who knew his identity . . . so I wouldn't go around mentioning that I read this if I were you - looked both ways before crossing the street.
Rafaela CanettiRio de Janeiro, Brazil
Runner-Up
The serrated butter knife tossed capriciously onto the 38th Street sidewalk amid the detritus of Salem cigarette butts and a Mentos box was devoid of zero trans fat margarine, but glinted invitingly in the sunlight nonetheless, poised for the opportunity to be repurposed to cut up a Snuggie, and Vladimir took it.
Amy E. GrossFair Lawn, NJ
Winner: Vile Puns
Using her flint knife to gut the two amphibians, Kreega the Neanderthal woman created the first pair of open-toad sandals.
Greg HomerPlacerville, CA
Runner-Up
Medusa stared at the two creatures approaching her across the Piazza and, instantly recognizing them as Spanish Gorgons, attempted to stall them by greeting them in their native tongue, "Gorgons, Hola!"
Eric DaviesDunedin, New Zealand
Dishonorable Mention
Eyeing the towering stacks of food colouring that formed the secret to his billion-dollar batik textile empire, grumpy Old Man Griffington was forced to admit that dye mounds are a churl's best friend.
Janine BeachamBusselton, Western Australia
Winner: Western
He was the desert nightmare whose name no one dared breathe, this deadly gun-slinger Garth Tedder, whose face struck terror in the hearts of man and beast, its macabre, round, maroon cheeks almost exactly like the pickled beets that farmers' wives force-fed their horrified families. Brett HawkinsBurleson, TX
Runner-Up
There stood Tex Omaha, fillin' his canteen with his last bottle of Fiji water -- a case of which, oddly, he'd got off an Irishman travelin' west on the railroad -- 'cause it's good water, better than the dirt-brown stuff at the waterhole that tastes like a rusty nail, worth the two buffalo hides he traded for it, and it'll keep him cool, calm and well-hydrated while he's huntin' down that dirty, no-good Scots-English cattle rustler, Angus 'Shorthorn' Hereford.
George M. Calger Saint Paul, MN
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
"I want you to follow my husband," said my newest client, the enigmatic Mrs Yogi, estranged wife of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.
Steve HeckmanTaylors, SC
Automotive power and the color red proved fatal to Santino; Sophia found his body wrapped around the exposed custom pistons of his ruined Ferrari Testarossa, and remembered the morning she found a sowbug on her red anthurium, a racy flower with an exposed pistil.
Denise WeldingAmesbury, MA
As Laurel made her way through the plaza, she couldn't help but notice the gorgeous co-anchor for the morning news show, out yet again signing autographs, smiling broadly, and infusing everyone around her with happiness, and she wondered, just for a second mind you, how good it would feel to punch her right in her stupid little face.
Nikkia DanielMarietta, GA
"They clang to me like horse flies on cow dung," said angry, shivering onion farmer Jesper Lunk, whose clothes had been eaten off him by a plague of locusts except for his boxer shorts, which were a comfortable cool blend of rayon and nylon in a floral pattern with a three-button fly and a snug elastic waistband.
James Macdonald Vancouver, B.C.
From my car I took thorough stock of the loose group of illegals standing around outside the Home Depot--plasterers, roofers, painters, all for hire . . . girls, too--and fingered the FEMA money in my pocket ruminatively; my house was a mess, but so was my love life--what was my pleasure?
Jeff EllerNew Orleans, LA
As Oedipus watched his mother gracefully glide across the great hall, he felt a stirring in his loins which he immediately regretted but then quickly dismissed, for he knew if these wanton desires for his mother were wrong then someone would have named the condition by now, thus proving once again that where his emotions were concerned there was only one description for Oedipus . . . complex.
Ted BegleyLexington, KY
Rosalita came in looking, with a look of surprise not unlike that of Hedy Lamarr in the 1947 version of "Samson and Delilah" when she learns that Samson will marry the woman, portrayed by Angela Lansbury, but with less fervor than that of Joan Crawford's 1948 version of "Mildred Pierce" discovering her daughter, played by Ann Blythe, was to run away with her, (Mildred's) boyfriend, to discover that Ernesto had once again left up the toilet seat.
James BiggieMelrose MA
As Lieutenant Baker shrank his lips back to their normal size, he tried desperately to think of a situation in which his new-found power might be useful, as have I, your narrator.
Dan BlaufussGlenview, IL
She had whispered wantonly, "Come to bed, Yul," but was now staring in utter disgust because the green lava lamp was too revealingly bright as he fumbled to adjust his new Merken, a $300 pubic toupee that had looked like a steal on eBay, but now looked just like a wet Tribble that had inexplicably crawled up his crack from an old "Star Trek" episode.
Barry BozzoneAllentown, PA
Her kiss grasped his lips like an aroused sea barnacle; her breath smelled like wet feet mated with ham-marinated, salty, delicious; and the sea wailed around them like lovers in a trailer park.
Matthew BradySeattle WA,
Peter shaded his eyes from the brilliant April morning sunlight as it suddenly illuminated the Bunny Trail, contemplated his handiwork, (separating all of those pearly white chicks-to-be from their mothers) and prepared for the final task to complete his mission-yes, this was a good day to dye.
Trent Bristol Mandan, ND
There were earthquakes in this land, terrible tsunamis that swirled flooding torrents of water throughout, and constant near-blizzard conditions, and not for the first time, Horatio Jones wished he did not live inside a snow globe.
Rich Buley-NeumarAmityville, NY
Grimly aware of the rapidly approaching disaster, Spiderman leaped from rooftop to flagpole, from flagpole to fire escape, hurling himself recklessly from building to building, darting glances through every window in his desperate search for one vital room, while silently cursing the fact that the last thing he had done before donning a one-piece skintight costume, was to eat a large bowl of hot chili.
David J Button South Australia, Australia
They said that his writing was rich in metaphor . . . not the type of rich that one likens with the amassing of great wealth, but rather the richness that one might associate with a Pot Pourri pasta meal available at Spaghetti Factory, featuring a mix of Brown Butter and Mizithra Cheese, Meat, Clam, and Marinara sauces-yes, that's how rich his metaphors were! (for John Updike-RIP)
John DrewSanta Clarita, CA
Before she was Tabloid Sally, the impossibly foxy movie star who destroyed marriages like a busty ball-peen hammer, before she was Nobel Sally, the mercurial chemist who cured chronic halitosis, and before she was Pulitzer Sally, the honey-dipped scribe who brought Washington to its knees, she was just little Sally Barns from Crow's Neck, Neb., Bill and Margie's daughter, a doe-eyed pixie who loved fairy tales and onion rings.
Roger CollierOttawa, Ontario
I awoke in my sleeper on the way from Amsterdam to Rotterdam, my nightmare riven by a train of thought that abruptly stopped me in my tracks with cataclysmic, explosive, and yet equal and opposing force, like a train on its way from Rotterdam to Amsterdam; then I realized I was on the wrong train and headed for Rotterdam, instead of Amsterdam.
Joe DykesDenver, CO
From my car I took thorough stock of the loose group of illegals standing around outside the Home Depot--plasterers, roofers, painters, all for hire . . . girls, too--and fingered the FEMA money in my pocket ruminatively; my house was a mess, but so was my love life--what was my pleasure?
Jeff EllerNew Orleans, LA
The skydiver jumped out of the plane and felt his skin being pulled back like that of a dog sticking its head out of a car going 110 on the highway, owned by a driver rushing to be on time for work or else he would get fired by his boss with the curly mustache who owned a large speedboat.
John FahertyQueensbury, NY
Swain had always come out of bar fights unscathed, built as he was like a '70 Dodge pickup (with that "Adventurer" styling package), but after tangling with Big Luther tonight, he felt like he'd been in a wreck, not a five-car pileup, exactly, but a pretty bad fender bender, busted headlights, maybe a bumper knocked loose, and, for sure, his tailgate dragging.
John HardiFalls Church, VA
It was a dark and stormy night, dark like the inside of a spare tire in the trunk of a 1957 Chevy sitting up on blocks in a tumbledown barn somewhere in rural Ohio, and stormy like the romance of Pete Kimball and his girlfriend Betty Lou, who used to make out in the back seat of that Chevy when it was new and shiny and the Dell-Vikings were singing "Come Go With Me"; but this is not their story, it just starts out dark and stormy like that.
David G. La FranceBurbank, CA
Perry had come a long way in the nine years since being arrested by a park ranger in his '81 Firebird tenderly holding a spiral-cut, honey-glazed ham (with the bone removed).
Jesse KolmanGoodyear, AZ
Crickets chirped in the lawn, katydids made that annoying grating sound in the trees, a mosquito whined near the ceiling, squirrels snuggled down in wherever it is they sleep, somewhere -- probably Africa -- a lion roared, ants gathered together in their underground tunnels like so many, well, whatever, and -- in spite of the fact that it was night (dark and stormy) -- Jimmy cracked corn and no one cared.
Dorinda PartschChesterton, IN
If she wasn't the poster girl for the word voluptuous, with her not exactly "bedroom," but definitely "walking-down-that-hallway" eyes, her hair a palomino mane rather than platinum blond, lips reminding me of Marilyn Monroe not Angelina Jolie, and that slow hip-swaying walk that sweet-talks a man's thoughts into dim, smoky rooms where R & B is played, she should've been.
Sandra TrentzYakima, WA
Lady Rowena, fresh from her bath, knew she had time to be ready to meet the Prince at 6:00 o'clock even though the mantle clock was striking six, because the brass escapement lever mechanism that engages the teeth of the large gear which drives the smaller gears that send the hour and minute hands on their circular paths, was worn.
Frank J. WeidlerPlacentia, CA
On a lovely day during one of the finest Indian summers anyone could remember--a season the Germans call "old wives' summer," obviously never having had Native Americans to name things after, but plenty of old wives, and "Indian summer" in German would refer to the natives of India in any case, which would make even less sense than the current naming system--on such a day, however named, John Baxter fell in the creek and drowned.
Deanna StewartHeidelberg, Germany
Fenwick was concerned when his voices returned, but they hadn't been troubling him much until now--now that they were singing an old tune by the Shirelles, or the Crystals, or the Ronettes, or the Angels, or the Chiffons, or one of those damn girl groups he couldn't keep straight, the uncertainty making him very agitated again, although he had to admit the harmonizing was quite good, really.
Jim SeamonPunta Gorda, FL
As my darling Jean-Claude entered the salon, with a single rose bud bouquet, I felt a wave wash over me, like the full brunt of Napoleon's forces at 9:05 am on the second of December 1805 ripping through once fertile fields to the Prutzen Heights, and I knew that Paris in printemps would be to my liking.
Andrew PittParis, France
As always, that morning he awoke to the melodious sound of a stream of water cascading into a still pool, punctuated by several ominous silences-- and he could judge, by the length of the silences and the volume of the cascade, just how much of his three-year-old son's urine he would have to wade through to get to the sink.
David PellicaneHighland Park, NJ
Tinkerbell landed softly on the bedpost in a sparkle of Industrial Light & Magic, handed the packet of cigarettes to a rather stubbly 'Pete' Pan and, seeing his little green tights strewn carelessly on the floor and a still sleeping Wendy lying naked beside him, quickly realized they were now a very long way from Never Never Land.
Hugh TrethowanBath, U.K.
It could have been no more than midnight's icy incipit when Clifford, stumbling in hitherto sanguine emprise through the tombstone teeth of the raven lit Kirk-yard like some well-performed but lichen-hushed human bullet-catch, heard the manifest bactrian vociferation which betrayed with desperate flourish the inexplicably wretched fact that his camel was out there, out on the ice - and she was in mortal peril.
Mr. S. J. CrawfordRedlynch, QLD, Australia
A dark and stormy night it was; in torrents fell the rain --except at occasional intervals, when, by a violent gust of wind was it checked, as up the streets it swept, (for in London it is that lies our scene), along the housetops rattling, and the scanty flame of the lamps fiercely agitating, that against the darkness, struggled.
(The story of Paul Clifford, is Yoda, to a padawan telling)
Jay Clifton Berkeley, California
So think you can write a worse opening? Surf on over here for the contest rules:
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
Many a story has been written over the years - even centuries, maybe with a sentence starting in those exact words. Every year the English Dept. at San Jose State University sponsors what could definitely be labeled as a "different" writing competition, The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Here is a brief history and some background information:
"Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. The contest (hereafter referred to as the BLFC) was the brainchild (or Rosemary's baby) of Professor Scott Rice, whose graduate school excavations unearthed the source of the line "It was a dark and stormy night." Sentenced to write a seminar paper on a minor Victorian novelist, he chose the man with the funny hyphenated name, Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who was best known for perpetrating "The Last Days of Pompeii", Eugene Aram, Rienzi, The Caxtons, The Coming Race, and--not least--Paul Clifford, whose famous opener has been plagiarized repeatedly by the cartoon beagle Snoopy. No less impressively, Lytton coined phrases that have become common parlance in our language: "the pen is mightier than the sword," "the great unwashed," and "the almighty dollar" (the latter from The Coming Race, now available from the Broadview Press)."
So let's just move on to the winners, shall we? Congratulations to the following for creating such - um - diverse and - um - different but definitely entertaining material:
THE WINNING ENTRY:
"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."
David McKenzieFederal Way, WA
The winner of 2009 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is David McKenzie, a 55-year-old Quality Systems consultant and writer from Federal Way, Washington. A contest recidivist, he has formerly won the Western and Children's Literature categories.
Runner-Up:
"The wind dry-shaved the cracked earth like a dull razor--the double edge kind from the plastic bag that you shouldn't use more than twice, but you do; but Trevor Earp had to face it as he started the second morning of his hopeless search for Drover, the Irish Wolfhound he had found as a pup near death from a fight with a prairie dog and nursed back to health, stolen by a traveling circus so that the monkey would have something to ride."
Warren Blair Ashburn, VA
Grand Panjandrum's Special Award
"Fleur looked down her nose at Guilliame, something she was accomplished at, being six foot three in her stocking feet, and having one of those long French noses, not pert like Bridget Bardot's, but more like the one that Charles De Gaulle had when he was still alive and President of France and he wore that cap that was shaped like a little hatbox with a bill in the front to offset his nose, but it didn't work. "
Marguerite Ahl Prescott valley, AZ
Winner: Adventure
"How best to pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the demonic Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape."
Joe WyattAmarillo, Texas
Runner-Up
In a flurry of flame and fur, fangs and wicker, thus ended the world's first and only hot air baboon ride.
Tony AlfieriLos Angeles, CA
Dishonorable Mention
Karen Buffalo, sensing that her 1894 Brassic & Middon .45 calibre revolvers, mounted with mother-of-pearl grips and clasped by ivory buttons carved in the shape of elephants at play, were no match for 'Duke' Bunton's double-barreled shotgun, muttered under her breath "Darn that Parisian gunsmith in the Fourteenth Arrondisement!"
Mark A. Gray WOKINGHAM Berks., U.K.
Winner: Detective
She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida - the pink ones, not the white ones - except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't.
Eric RiceSun Prairie, WI
Runner-Up
The dame sauntered silently into Rocco's office, but she didn't need to speak; the blood-soaked gown hugging her ample curves said it all: "I am a shipping heiress whose second husband was just murdered by Albanian assassins trying to blackmail me for my rare opal collection," or maybe, "Do you know a good dry cleaner?"
Tony AlfieriLos Angeles, CA
Dishonorable Mentions
The appearance of a thin red beam of light under my office door and the sound of one, then two pair of feet meant my demise was near, that my journey from gum-shoe detective to international agent had gone horribly wrong, until I realized it was my secretary teasing her cat with a laser pointer.
Steve LynchSan Marcos, CA
After quickly scrutinizing the two dangerously buff men coming toward her in the dark and wondering whether she could take them both out, P.I. Velma Plusch mentally inventoried her arsenal-two pistols, two stiletto-clad feet, two leather-gloved hands, two each eyes, ears, lips, and breasts-and decided that she could.
Donna Kain, Ph.D. Greenville, NC
Detective Pierson mentally reviewed the group of suspects milling around the recent crime scene-two young siblings eating gingerbread, a young girl in a red hoodie, a beautiful girl with narcolepsy, and seven little people with the profession of miners-then gave his statement of "It's a grim tale" to the press. Shannon GrayWichita, KS
Darnell knew he was getting hung out to dry when the D.A. made him come clean by airing other people's dirty laundry; the plea deal was a new wrinkle and there were still issues to iron out, but he hoped it would all come out in the wash - otherwise he had folded like a cheap suit for nothing.
Lynn LamousinBaton Rouge, LA
I entered the bedroom again, looking for anything the killer might have missed in his obvious attempt to clean the crime scene, when it hit me, the victim hadn't been eating just any potato salad, it was German potato salad, the kind usually served warm, with bacon and although most people prefer the traditional American potato salad, it was clear that this victim didn't, oh no, he didn't prefer it at all.
Lisa Lindquist-PerezDaytona Beach, FL
No man is an island, so they say, although the small crustaceans and the bird which sat impassively on Dirk Manhope's chest as he floated lazily in the pool would probably disagree.
Glen RobinsBrighton, East Sussex, U.K.
It was a quarter 'til eight in the ninth precinct when I got the call of a possible two-eleven at a nearby Seven-Eleven that turned out to be just a four-fifteen--that is until my number two from the ninth discovered the one-eight-seven under the Tenth Street Bridge, some two-bit mob soldier with a blossom of five .357's right in the ten-ring.
Jeff RileyFort Worth, TX
Winner: Fantasy Fiction
A quest is not to be undertaken lightly--or at all!--pondered Hlothgar, Thrag of the Western Boglands, son of Glothar, nephew of Garthol, known far and wide as Skull Dunker, as he wielded his chesty stallion Hralgoth through the ever-darkening Thlargwood, beyond which, if he survived its horrors and if Hroglath the royal spittle reader spoke true, his destiny awaited--all this though his years numbered but fourteen.
Stuart GreenmanSeattle, WA
Runner-Up
Towards the dragon's lair the fellowship marched -- a noble human prince, a fair elf, a surly dwarf, and a disheveled copyright attorney who was frantically trying to find a way to differentiate this story from "Lord of the Rings."
Andrew ManoskeFoster City, CA
Winner: Historical Fiction
The Cunard "Carinthia" glided through the starry waters of the Bering Sea, 843 passengers aboard, including Harriet Dobbs, resignedly single for over a decade, while a nautical mile due west slunk the K-18 submarine, under the command of lonely Ukrainian Captain First Rank Nikolai Shevchenko: ships that passed in the night (although the second technically a boat).
Dr. Sarah CockramEdinburgh, U.K.
Runner-Up
On a fine summer morning during the days of the Puritans, the prison door in the small New England town of B----n opened to release a convicted adulteress, the Scarlet Letter A embroidered on her dress, along with the Scarlet Letters B through J, a veritable McGuffey's Reader of Scarlet Letters, one for each little tyke waiting for her at the gate.
Joseph AsplerKirkland, QC, Canada
Winner: Purple Prose
The gutters of Manhattan teemed with the brackish slurry indicative of a significant though not incapacitating snowstorm three days prior, making it seem that God had tripped over Hoboken and spilled his smog-flavored slurpie all over the damn place.
Eric StovekenAllentown, PA
Runner-Up
Warily-as if his hands were a green-bean casserole in a non-tempered glass dish that had just come out of the freezer, and the patient was an oven that had been preheating for a good 75 minutes at 450F-the surgeon slowly reached into the incision and groped for the bullet fragment in the pancreas, at last finding it nestled near one of the Islets of Langerhans like a small wrecked lifeboat foundered on a sandbar as it floated in the fog, adrift in the Sea of John's Innards.
Christin KeckAkron OH
Dishonorable Mentions
Mortimer froze in his tracks; the rhythmic clicking on the stones of the path (well . . . not really a clicking sound so much as a kind of clinking sound, more like the noise made by shaking a charm bracelet filled with Disney characters to a salsa beat) made him suddenly realize he had forgotten to buckle one of his galoshes.
Rick CheesemanWaconia, MN
Without warning, their darting tongues entwined, like a couple of nightcrawlers fresh from the baitshop--their moist, twisting bodies finally snapping apart, not unlike an old man's muddy galosh being yanked away from his patent leather shoe.
Matt DennisonErie, PA
She expected a beautiful morning after the previous night's hard rain but instead stepped out her door to a horrible vision of drowned earthworms covering the walkway -- their bodies curled and swirled like limp confetti after a party crashed by firefighters.
Rita HammettBoca Raton, Florida
The first time I saw her she took my breath away with her long blonde hair that flowed over her shoulders like cheese sauce on a bed of nachos, making my stomach grumble as she stepped into the room, her red knit dress locking in curves better than a Ferrari at a Grand Prix.
Harol Hoffman-MeisnerGreensboro, NC
He slowly ran his fingers through her long black hair, which wasn't really black because she used Preference by L'Oreal to color it (because "she was worth it"); her carrot-colored roots were starting to show, and it reminded him of the time he'd covered his car's check engine light with black electrical tape, but a faint orange glow still shone around the edges.
Lisa Mileusnich Willoughby, OH
Their relationship hit a bump in the road, not the low, graceful kind of bump, reminiscent of a child's choo choo train-themed roller coaster, rather the kind of tall, narrow speed-bump that, if a school bus ran over it, would cause even a fat kid to fly up and bang his head on the ceiling.
Michael ReadeDurham, NC
It was a dark and stormy night, well, not pitch dark so much a plumby, you know, that time of night where it turns into that kind of eggplant color, which I hate-- eggplant not the time of night--and it wasn't stormy so much as drizzly, like a cold that's not so bad but really annoying, where you sound a little plugged up and all your mucus just sort of hovers at the edge of your nostrils or drips down the back of your throat, it was like that.
Maisey YatesJacksonville, OR
Winner: Romance
Melinda woke up suddenly to the sound of her trailer being pounded with wind and hail, and she couldn't help thinking that if she had only put her prized hog up for adoption last May, none of this would be happening, no one would have gotten hurt, and she wouldn't be left with only nine toes, or be living in a mobile home park in Nebraska with a second-rate trapeze artist named Fred. Ada Marie FinkelBoston, MA
Runner-Up
The first time I saw her she took my breath away with her long blonde hair that flowed over her shoulders like cheese sauce on a bed of nachos, making my stomach grumble as she stepped into the room, her red knit dress locking in curves better than a Ferrari at a Grand Prix.
Harol Hoffman-MeisnerGreensboro, NC
Dishonorable Mention
As she slowly drove up the long, winding driveway, Lady Alicia peeked out the window of her shiny blue Mercedes and spied Rodrigo the new gardener standing on a grassy mound with his long black hair flowing in the wind, his brown eyes piercing into her very soul, and his white shirt open to the waist, revealing his beautifully rippling muscular chest, and she thought to herself, "I must tell that lazy idiot to trim the hedges by the gate."
Kathryn MinicozziBronx, NY
Winner: Science Fiction
The golden, starry wonders of the dark universe unfurled before the brave interstellar vessel "Argus" like a black flag of victory with a whole bunch of holes in it as the mysterious mission buoyantly commenced that would one day resolve critical questions about space, time, and the appropriate ratio of nuts to chips in a perfect chocolate chip cookie.
Robert Friedman Skillman, NJ
Runner-Up
George scratched his head in abject puzzlement as he tried to figure out where he'd parked the rocket this time in the 100-acre parking lot of Nallmart 75B, but then he remembered that a ship-boy had taken his DNA key-but which one, the kelly toned humanoid or the atmosphere-of-Rylak-hued android; scanning the horizon, he at last turned to Babs and asked "how green was my valet"?
Leigh A. SmithNew Douglas, IL
Winner: Spy Fiction
Oliver Smith, spy on Her Majesty's service - not that she knew about it, because that tended to spoil the whole secrecy thing and really, who'd want an un-secret spy, anyway? Not to mention that any spy worth his salt would kill anybody who knew his identity . . . so I wouldn't go around mentioning that I read this if I were you - looked both ways before crossing the street.
Rafaela CanettiRio de Janeiro, Brazil
Runner-Up
The serrated butter knife tossed capriciously onto the 38th Street sidewalk amid the detritus of Salem cigarette butts and a Mentos box was devoid of zero trans fat margarine, but glinted invitingly in the sunlight nonetheless, poised for the opportunity to be repurposed to cut up a Snuggie, and Vladimir took it.
Amy E. GrossFair Lawn, NJ
Winner: Vile Puns
Using her flint knife to gut the two amphibians, Kreega the Neanderthal woman created the first pair of open-toad sandals.
Greg HomerPlacerville, CA
Runner-Up
Medusa stared at the two creatures approaching her across the Piazza and, instantly recognizing them as Spanish Gorgons, attempted to stall them by greeting them in their native tongue, "Gorgons, Hola!"
Eric DaviesDunedin, New Zealand
Dishonorable Mention
Eyeing the towering stacks of food colouring that formed the secret to his billion-dollar batik textile empire, grumpy Old Man Griffington was forced to admit that dye mounds are a churl's best friend.
Janine BeachamBusselton, Western Australia
Winner: Western
He was the desert nightmare whose name no one dared breathe, this deadly gun-slinger Garth Tedder, whose face struck terror in the hearts of man and beast, its macabre, round, maroon cheeks almost exactly like the pickled beets that farmers' wives force-fed their horrified families. Brett HawkinsBurleson, TX
Runner-Up
There stood Tex Omaha, fillin' his canteen with his last bottle of Fiji water -- a case of which, oddly, he'd got off an Irishman travelin' west on the railroad -- 'cause it's good water, better than the dirt-brown stuff at the waterhole that tastes like a rusty nail, worth the two buffalo hides he traded for it, and it'll keep him cool, calm and well-hydrated while he's huntin' down that dirty, no-good Scots-English cattle rustler, Angus 'Shorthorn' Hereford.
George M. Calger Saint Paul, MN
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
"I want you to follow my husband," said my newest client, the enigmatic Mrs Yogi, estranged wife of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.
Steve HeckmanTaylors, SC
Automotive power and the color red proved fatal to Santino; Sophia found his body wrapped around the exposed custom pistons of his ruined Ferrari Testarossa, and remembered the morning she found a sowbug on her red anthurium, a racy flower with an exposed pistil.
Denise WeldingAmesbury, MA
As Laurel made her way through the plaza, she couldn't help but notice the gorgeous co-anchor for the morning news show, out yet again signing autographs, smiling broadly, and infusing everyone around her with happiness, and she wondered, just for a second mind you, how good it would feel to punch her right in her stupid little face.
Nikkia DanielMarietta, GA
"They clang to me like horse flies on cow dung," said angry, shivering onion farmer Jesper Lunk, whose clothes had been eaten off him by a plague of locusts except for his boxer shorts, which were a comfortable cool blend of rayon and nylon in a floral pattern with a three-button fly and a snug elastic waistband.
James Macdonald Vancouver, B.C.
From my car I took thorough stock of the loose group of illegals standing around outside the Home Depot--plasterers, roofers, painters, all for hire . . . girls, too--and fingered the FEMA money in my pocket ruminatively; my house was a mess, but so was my love life--what was my pleasure?
Jeff EllerNew Orleans, LA
As Oedipus watched his mother gracefully glide across the great hall, he felt a stirring in his loins which he immediately regretted but then quickly dismissed, for he knew if these wanton desires for his mother were wrong then someone would have named the condition by now, thus proving once again that where his emotions were concerned there was only one description for Oedipus . . . complex.
Ted BegleyLexington, KY
Rosalita came in looking, with a look of surprise not unlike that of Hedy Lamarr in the 1947 version of "Samson and Delilah" when she learns that Samson will marry the woman, portrayed by Angela Lansbury, but with less fervor than that of Joan Crawford's 1948 version of "Mildred Pierce" discovering her daughter, played by Ann Blythe, was to run away with her, (Mildred's) boyfriend, to discover that Ernesto had once again left up the toilet seat.
James BiggieMelrose MA
As Lieutenant Baker shrank his lips back to their normal size, he tried desperately to think of a situation in which his new-found power might be useful, as have I, your narrator.
Dan BlaufussGlenview, IL
She had whispered wantonly, "Come to bed, Yul," but was now staring in utter disgust because the green lava lamp was too revealingly bright as he fumbled to adjust his new Merken, a $300 pubic toupee that had looked like a steal on eBay, but now looked just like a wet Tribble that had inexplicably crawled up his crack from an old "Star Trek" episode.
Barry BozzoneAllentown, PA
Her kiss grasped his lips like an aroused sea barnacle; her breath smelled like wet feet mated with ham-marinated, salty, delicious; and the sea wailed around them like lovers in a trailer park.
Matthew BradySeattle WA,
Peter shaded his eyes from the brilliant April morning sunlight as it suddenly illuminated the Bunny Trail, contemplated his handiwork, (separating all of those pearly white chicks-to-be from their mothers) and prepared for the final task to complete his mission-yes, this was a good day to dye.
Trent Bristol Mandan, ND
There were earthquakes in this land, terrible tsunamis that swirled flooding torrents of water throughout, and constant near-blizzard conditions, and not for the first time, Horatio Jones wished he did not live inside a snow globe.
Rich Buley-NeumarAmityville, NY
Grimly aware of the rapidly approaching disaster, Spiderman leaped from rooftop to flagpole, from flagpole to fire escape, hurling himself recklessly from building to building, darting glances through every window in his desperate search for one vital room, while silently cursing the fact that the last thing he had done before donning a one-piece skintight costume, was to eat a large bowl of hot chili.
David J Button South Australia, Australia
They said that his writing was rich in metaphor . . . not the type of rich that one likens with the amassing of great wealth, but rather the richness that one might associate with a Pot Pourri pasta meal available at Spaghetti Factory, featuring a mix of Brown Butter and Mizithra Cheese, Meat, Clam, and Marinara sauces-yes, that's how rich his metaphors were! (for John Updike-RIP)
John DrewSanta Clarita, CA
Before she was Tabloid Sally, the impossibly foxy movie star who destroyed marriages like a busty ball-peen hammer, before she was Nobel Sally, the mercurial chemist who cured chronic halitosis, and before she was Pulitzer Sally, the honey-dipped scribe who brought Washington to its knees, she was just little Sally Barns from Crow's Neck, Neb., Bill and Margie's daughter, a doe-eyed pixie who loved fairy tales and onion rings.
Roger CollierOttawa, Ontario
I awoke in my sleeper on the way from Amsterdam to Rotterdam, my nightmare riven by a train of thought that abruptly stopped me in my tracks with cataclysmic, explosive, and yet equal and opposing force, like a train on its way from Rotterdam to Amsterdam; then I realized I was on the wrong train and headed for Rotterdam, instead of Amsterdam.
Joe DykesDenver, CO
From my car I took thorough stock of the loose group of illegals standing around outside the Home Depot--plasterers, roofers, painters, all for hire . . . girls, too--and fingered the FEMA money in my pocket ruminatively; my house was a mess, but so was my love life--what was my pleasure?
Jeff EllerNew Orleans, LA
The skydiver jumped out of the plane and felt his skin being pulled back like that of a dog sticking its head out of a car going 110 on the highway, owned by a driver rushing to be on time for work or else he would get fired by his boss with the curly mustache who owned a large speedboat.
John FahertyQueensbury, NY
Swain had always come out of bar fights unscathed, built as he was like a '70 Dodge pickup (with that "Adventurer" styling package), but after tangling with Big Luther tonight, he felt like he'd been in a wreck, not a five-car pileup, exactly, but a pretty bad fender bender, busted headlights, maybe a bumper knocked loose, and, for sure, his tailgate dragging.
John HardiFalls Church, VA
It was a dark and stormy night, dark like the inside of a spare tire in the trunk of a 1957 Chevy sitting up on blocks in a tumbledown barn somewhere in rural Ohio, and stormy like the romance of Pete Kimball and his girlfriend Betty Lou, who used to make out in the back seat of that Chevy when it was new and shiny and the Dell-Vikings were singing "Come Go With Me"; but this is not their story, it just starts out dark and stormy like that.
David G. La FranceBurbank, CA
Perry had come a long way in the nine years since being arrested by a park ranger in his '81 Firebird tenderly holding a spiral-cut, honey-glazed ham (with the bone removed).
Jesse KolmanGoodyear, AZ
Crickets chirped in the lawn, katydids made that annoying grating sound in the trees, a mosquito whined near the ceiling, squirrels snuggled down in wherever it is they sleep, somewhere -- probably Africa -- a lion roared, ants gathered together in their underground tunnels like so many, well, whatever, and -- in spite of the fact that it was night (dark and stormy) -- Jimmy cracked corn and no one cared.
Dorinda PartschChesterton, IN
If she wasn't the poster girl for the word voluptuous, with her not exactly "bedroom," but definitely "walking-down-that-hallway" eyes, her hair a palomino mane rather than platinum blond, lips reminding me of Marilyn Monroe not Angelina Jolie, and that slow hip-swaying walk that sweet-talks a man's thoughts into dim, smoky rooms where R & B is played, she should've been.
Sandra TrentzYakima, WA
Lady Rowena, fresh from her bath, knew she had time to be ready to meet the Prince at 6:00 o'clock even though the mantle clock was striking six, because the brass escapement lever mechanism that engages the teeth of the large gear which drives the smaller gears that send the hour and minute hands on their circular paths, was worn.
Frank J. WeidlerPlacentia, CA
On a lovely day during one of the finest Indian summers anyone could remember--a season the Germans call "old wives' summer," obviously never having had Native Americans to name things after, but plenty of old wives, and "Indian summer" in German would refer to the natives of India in any case, which would make even less sense than the current naming system--on such a day, however named, John Baxter fell in the creek and drowned.
Deanna StewartHeidelberg, Germany
Fenwick was concerned when his voices returned, but they hadn't been troubling him much until now--now that they were singing an old tune by the Shirelles, or the Crystals, or the Ronettes, or the Angels, or the Chiffons, or one of those damn girl groups he couldn't keep straight, the uncertainty making him very agitated again, although he had to admit the harmonizing was quite good, really.
Jim SeamonPunta Gorda, FL
As my darling Jean-Claude entered the salon, with a single rose bud bouquet, I felt a wave wash over me, like the full brunt of Napoleon's forces at 9:05 am on the second of December 1805 ripping through once fertile fields to the Prutzen Heights, and I knew that Paris in printemps would be to my liking.
Andrew PittParis, France
As always, that morning he awoke to the melodious sound of a stream of water cascading into a still pool, punctuated by several ominous silences-- and he could judge, by the length of the silences and the volume of the cascade, just how much of his three-year-old son's urine he would have to wade through to get to the sink.
David PellicaneHighland Park, NJ
Tinkerbell landed softly on the bedpost in a sparkle of Industrial Light & Magic, handed the packet of cigarettes to a rather stubbly 'Pete' Pan and, seeing his little green tights strewn carelessly on the floor and a still sleeping Wendy lying naked beside him, quickly realized they were now a very long way from Never Never Land.
Hugh TrethowanBath, U.K.
It could have been no more than midnight's icy incipit when Clifford, stumbling in hitherto sanguine emprise through the tombstone teeth of the raven lit Kirk-yard like some well-performed but lichen-hushed human bullet-catch, heard the manifest bactrian vociferation which betrayed with desperate flourish the inexplicably wretched fact that his camel was out there, out on the ice - and she was in mortal peril.
Mr. S. J. CrawfordRedlynch, QLD, Australia
A dark and stormy night it was; in torrents fell the rain --except at occasional intervals, when, by a violent gust of wind was it checked, as up the streets it swept, (for in London it is that lies our scene), along the housetops rattling, and the scanty flame of the lamps fiercely agitating, that against the darkness, struggled.
(The story of Paul Clifford, is Yoda, to a padawan telling)
Jay Clifton Berkeley, California
So think you can write a worse opening? Surf on over here for the contest rules:
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Queen Elizabeth orders her swans counted
Given the state of the world today what with loss of employment globally, famine, homelessness, war, you have to wonder about the timing of this news.
Queen Elizabeth, she who rules England, has ordered a counting of the swans, known as the annual "Swan Upping." Perhaps some people might use these words as a means in which to express their thoughts about the activity. Seems that the counting of the swans is a British tradition that dates back to the 12th century involving the counting of the swans on the Thames River.
One wonders why somebody - especially a royal - would want to know the amount of swans on any river, actually.
So y'see, the process involves the official Swan Marker, one David Barber, rowing up the Thames for five days(!) accompanied the the Swan Warden, one Christopher Perrins of the University of Oxford, wearing the special and traditional swan counting scarlet uniforms while counting, weighing and measuring adult and cygnets.
One wonders once again, if duplication could enter into the picture. I mean, how can one be sure that swan "A" for example, won't swim down the river and be counted as another swan. But I digresss.
According to custom, Britain's sovereign owns all unmarked, mute swans in open water, but the queen now exercises the right only on stretches of the Thames and its nearby tributaries.
Oh the angst of having one's swans limited to a territory!
This year Queen Elizabeth herself will be joining her team of Swan Uppers for part of the cencus. She will follow them up the river and visit a local school project on the whole subject of swans, cygnets and the Thames.
Yes but will Queen Elizabeth actually count the swans or just smile and do a royal wave?
Here's an older photo of a Swan Upper in full uniform checking (or counting) a swan and a story:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/oxfordshire/3906385.stm
Just wondering why it's necessary for a/swan uppers to wear a uniform? British tradition one surmises.
Still, would have made a great skit for Monty Python.
Queen Elizabeth, she who rules England, has ordered a counting of the swans, known as the annual "Swan Upping." Perhaps some people might use these words as a means in which to express their thoughts about the activity. Seems that the counting of the swans is a British tradition that dates back to the 12th century involving the counting of the swans on the Thames River.
One wonders why somebody - especially a royal - would want to know the amount of swans on any river, actually.
So y'see, the process involves the official Swan Marker, one David Barber, rowing up the Thames for five days(!) accompanied the the Swan Warden, one Christopher Perrins of the University of Oxford, wearing the special and traditional swan counting scarlet uniforms while counting, weighing and measuring adult and cygnets.
One wonders once again, if duplication could enter into the picture. I mean, how can one be sure that swan "A" for example, won't swim down the river and be counted as another swan. But I digresss.
According to custom, Britain's sovereign owns all unmarked, mute swans in open water, but the queen now exercises the right only on stretches of the Thames and its nearby tributaries.
Oh the angst of having one's swans limited to a territory!
This year Queen Elizabeth herself will be joining her team of Swan Uppers for part of the cencus. She will follow them up the river and visit a local school project on the whole subject of swans, cygnets and the Thames.
Yes but will Queen Elizabeth actually count the swans or just smile and do a royal wave?
Here's an older photo of a Swan Upper in full uniform checking (or counting) a swan and a story:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/oxfordshire/3906385.stm
Just wondering why it's necessary for a/swan uppers to wear a uniform? British tradition one surmises.
Still, would have made a great skit for Monty Python.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Pastor advises worshippers to bring guns to church
I'm probably opening up a can of worms here but this strikes me as very wrong. I'm also aware that U.S. citizens protect their right to bear arms to the nth however...
A pastor in a church in Louisville, KY. suggested to his parishiners, to carry guns to church on June 27th. Now correct me if I'm wrong but isn't church a place to touch base with one's Higher Power? So how does this pastor justify guns in a place of worship?
"Ken Pagano asked his flock to bring their unloaded handguns - in holsters - to New Bethel Church in Louisville for a celebration of the Second Amendment of the U.S. Consitution that guarantees the right to bear arms."
The pastor called the one-day event, "Open Carry Celebration."
Thing is more than 200 people showed up carrying guns, however, they could not be loaded with bullets. This lead me to ponder as to how he could ensure that the guns were empty. Did he have somebody at the door check the guns and do a body search?Anyway, the event included a handgun raffle, patriotic music and screening of gun safety videos. Some gun owners carried old-fashioned six-shooters in leather holsters. Still others packed modern police-style firearms.
Kentucky allows residents to openly carry guns in public with some restrictions.
I dunno...
A pastor in a church in Louisville, KY. suggested to his parishiners, to carry guns to church on June 27th. Now correct me if I'm wrong but isn't church a place to touch base with one's Higher Power? So how does this pastor justify guns in a place of worship?
"Ken Pagano asked his flock to bring their unloaded handguns - in holsters - to New Bethel Church in Louisville for a celebration of the Second Amendment of the U.S. Consitution that guarantees the right to bear arms."
The pastor called the one-day event, "Open Carry Celebration."
Thing is more than 200 people showed up carrying guns, however, they could not be loaded with bullets. This lead me to ponder as to how he could ensure that the guns were empty. Did he have somebody at the door check the guns and do a body search?Anyway, the event included a handgun raffle, patriotic music and screening of gun safety videos. Some gun owners carried old-fashioned six-shooters in leather holsters. Still others packed modern police-style firearms.
Kentucky allows residents to openly carry guns in public with some restrictions.
I dunno...
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Shepherd unaware of the concept perhaps?
So this Croatian shepherd who looks after sheep, decided to follow his flock. This move in itself wouldn't be newsworthy except that he followed them into a minefield. Luckily, the shepherd, one Philimon Zandamela, 34, survived to tell the tale and was led to safety by rescue workers in Sibenik.
The shepherd who hails from Mozambique has become somewhat of celebrity after surviving some unusual events that would or should have killed him.
This is a man who takes every word literally.
For example he accidentally drank sulphuric acid and stabbed himself in the stomach after a fortune teller told him it was time to die. A desire to be in porn films was cut short after his family threatened to leave unless he quit.
In discussing his survival in the mine field, Zandamela said that he was walking along and spotted a large number of strange bumps in the ground until realizing that he was in a mine field. Having a mobile phone he was able to phone the emergency services for help.
"I am very lucky to still be in one piece."
To say the least. There is no information regarding whether the sheep survived their walk or there was chops for a barbeque.
The shepherd who hails from Mozambique has become somewhat of celebrity after surviving some unusual events that would or should have killed him.
This is a man who takes every word literally.
For example he accidentally drank sulphuric acid and stabbed himself in the stomach after a fortune teller told him it was time to die. A desire to be in porn films was cut short after his family threatened to leave unless he quit.
In discussing his survival in the mine field, Zandamela said that he was walking along and spotted a large number of strange bumps in the ground until realizing that he was in a mine field. Having a mobile phone he was able to phone the emergency services for help.
"I am very lucky to still be in one piece."
To say the least. There is no information regarding whether the sheep survived their walk or there was chops for a barbeque.
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