Ig Nobel - awards that say 'we're different' and then some

There are many award ceremonies covering a plethora of subjects marking some type of accomplishment. Some awards recongize special abilities in a specific milieu that make the world a better and/or a more interesting place to live. Then we have the Ig Nobel Prizes, which "honor achievements that first make people laugh, and then make them think. The prizes are intended to celebrate the unusual, honor the imaginative — and spur people's interest in science, medicine, and technology."

These are my type of awards.

Recently, the winners and recipients of the award were announced on September 29 along with a live ceremony of the proceedings, which took place at Harvard University. What makes these achievements so memorable is the nature of the accomplishments. I mean, these are not your ardinary, run-of-the-mill subjects!

The PHYSIOLOGY PRIZE was awarded to Anna Wilkinson (of the UK), Natalie Sebanz (of THE NETHERLANDS, HUNGARY, and AUSTRIA), Isabella Mandl (of AUSTRIA) and Ludwig Huber (of AUSTRIA) for their study "No Evidence of Contagious Yawning in the Red-Footed Tortoise."  Not all types of tortoises but merely the Red-Footed Tortoise.

Who knew that there are red-footed tortoises and that they deserved studying for their yawning practises?

REFERENCE: 'No Evidence Of Contagious Yawning in the Red-Footed Tortoise Geochelone carbonaria," Anna Wilkinson, Natalie Sebanz, Isabella Mandl, Ludwig Huber, Current Zoology, vol. 57, no. 4, 2011. pp. 477-84.

The prize in CHEMISTRY went to Makoto Imai, Naoki Urushihata, Hideki Tanemura, Yukinobu Tajima, Hideaki Goto, Koichiro Mizoguchi and Junichi Murakami of JAPAN, for determining the ideal density of airborne wasabi (pungent horseradish) to awaken sleeping people in case of a fire or other emergency, and for applying this knowledge to invent the wasabi alarm.

Another shocker for me. Here I was under the impression that wasabi was merely a very strong horseradish to clean the sinuses. Go figure that somebody would even conceive that it could have another use as a fire alarm. Could be that when word gets out about this, there might just be a run on wasabi at the supermarket.

REFERENCE: US patent application 2010/0308995 A1. Filing date: Feb 5, 2009.

Now the MEDICINE PRIZE given to Mirjam Tuk (of THE NETHERLANDS and the UK), Debra Trampe (of THE NETHERLANDS) and Luk Warlop (of BELGIUM). and jointly to Matthew Lewis, Peter Snyder and Robert Feldman (of the USA), Robert Pietrzak, David Darby, and Paul Maruff (of AUSTRALIA) is somewhat logical (at least in my mind) for demonstrating that people make better decisions about some kinds of things — but worse decisions about other kinds of things‚ when they have a strong urge to urinate.

If one has to - well - pee badly, the only thought that comes to mind (at least mine) is where is the nearest toilet.

REFERENCE: "Inhibitory Spillover: Increased Urination Urgency Facilitates Impulse Control in Unrelated Domains," Mirjam A. Tuk, Debra Trampe and Luk Warlop, Psychological Science, vol. 22, no. 5, May 2011, pp. 627-633.

REFERENCE: "The Effect of Acute Increase in Urge to Void on Cognitive Function in Healthy Adults," Matthew S. Lewis, Peter J. Snyder, Robert H. Pietrzak, David Darby, Robert A. Feldman, Paul T. Maruff, Neurology and Urodynamics, vol. 30, no. 1, January 2011, pp. 183-7.

The PSYCHOLOGY PRIZE was awarded to Karl Halvor Teigen of the University of Oslo, NORWAY, for trying to understand why, in everyday life, people sigh.

We think - we sigh. Right?

REFERENCE: "Is a Sigh 'Just a Sigh'? Sighs as Emotional Signals and Responses to a Difficult Task," Karl Halvor Teigen, Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, vol. 49, no. 1, 2008, pp. 49–57.

John Perry of Stanford University, USA, was recognized for his Theory of Structured Procrastination, which says: to be a high achiever, always work on something important, using it as a way to avoid doing something that's even more important.

Never could have conceived that procrastination is or could be structured but then I was most likely busy doing other things.

REFERENCE: "How to Procrastinate and Still Get Things Done," John Perry, Chronicle of Higher Education, February 23, 1996. Later republished elsewhere under the title "Structured Procrastination."

BIOLOGY PRIZE: Darryl Gwynne (of CANADA and AUSTRALIA and the UK and the USA) and David Rentz (of AUSTRALIA and the USA) for discovering that a certain kind of beetle mates with a certain kind of Australian beer bottle.

Perhaps certain types of beetles are sight-challenged and Australian beer bottles resemble beetles. It's probably a good thing that the brand of Australian beer was omitted.

REFERENCE: "Beetles on the Bottle: Male Buprestids Mistake Stubbies for Females (Coleoptera)," D.T. Gwynne, and D.C.F. Rentz, Journal of the Australian Entomological Society, vol. 22, , no. 1, 1983, pp. 79-80

REFERENCE: "Beetles on the Bottle," D.T. Gwynne and D.C.F. Rentz, Antenna: Proceedings (A) of the Royal Entomological Society London, vol. 8, no. 3, 1984, pp. 116-7.

PHYSICS PRIZE: Philippe Perrin, Cyril Perrot, Dominique Deviterne and Bruno Ragaru (of FRANCE), and Herman Kingma (of THE NETHERLANDS), for determining why discus throwers become dizzy, and why hammer throwers don't.

This discovery would most likely be of high interest to discus tossers and hammer throwers. Seems it's something to do with motion sickness, accord to the reference supplied. Then again, why would a person who suffers from motion sickness take up these sports, one wonders.

REFERENCE: "Dizziness in Discus Throwers is Related to Motion Sickness Generated While Spinning," Philippe Perrin, Cyril Perrot, Dominique Deviterne, Bruno Ragaru and Herman Kingma, Acta Oto-laryngologica, vol. 120, no. 3, March 2000, pp. 390–5.

So here's an interesting one. The MATHEMATICS PRIZE: Dorothy Martin of the USA (who predicted the world would end in 1954), Pat Robertson of the USA (who predicted the world would end in 1982), Elizabeth Clare Prophet of the USA (who predicted the world would end in 1990), Lee Jang Rim of KOREA (who predicted the world would end in 1992), Credonia Mwerinde of UGANDA (who predicted the world would end in 1999), and Harold Camping of the USA (who predicted the world would end on September 6, 1994 and later predicted that the world will end on October 21, 2011), for teaching the world to be careful when making mathematical assumptions and calculations.

Mathematics prize? These dates really don't add up.

The PEACE PRIZE was awarded to Arturas Zuokas, the mayor of Vilnius, LITHUANIA, for demonstrating that the problem of illegally parked luxury cars can be solved by running them over with an armored tank.

So this leads one to wonder how Mayor Zuokas made this discovery. Peace prize?

PUBLIC SAFETY PRIZE: John Senders of the University of Toronto, CANADA, for conducting a series of safety experiments in which a person drives an automobile on a major highway while a visor repeatedly flaps down over his face, blinding him.

I mean, why-oh-why would a person drive a car on a major highway while a visor flaps down on his face? More important, who does the flapping?

REFERENCE: "The Attentional Demand of Automobile Driving," John W. Senders, et al., Highway Research Record, vol. 195, 1967, pp. 15-33. VIDEO

I mean, go figure!

Do we care? X-Factor joins American Idol vs The Voice...and so it goes

The fall TV line up is just beginning and already the comparison commentary has begun. This week "X-Factor", the singing competition highly promoted by Simon Cowell with good reason - it's his baby - made its debut. The American version of the successful Brit show that instroduced the world to Susan Boyle, boasted a live audience that reacted to the various singers.

As one of the original judges on American Idol since it first began in 2002, he announced his departure in 2010 to create the U.S. version of  "X-Factor." As one of the AI judges and along with Paula Abdul, the two threw verbal jabs at each other and in the end, Abdul ended up joining Cowell on his new project. Nothing like on view hostility, feigned or real, to get tongues wagging and viewers attention.

Have to admit that given all the pre-show attention and TV promos, I joined all the other viewers to see if the new addition justified a weekly committment to another talent show. Basically, that's what it all comes down to: the oldie-but-always-relevant talent parade. Years ago in the days of early TV when color TV was still in the dream stage, Ted Mack hosted "Ted Mack's Amateur Hour", the embryo of today's musical reality shows. It lacked the polish and finish of today's versions but the hopefuls did their thing hoping for stardom. The gimmick was that Mack spun a wheel with the names of the talent lineup to determine their order of appearance. Later the show was joined by the very weirdish, "The Gong Show." Obviously, TV viewers enjoy the idea of watching amateur talent put themselves at the mercy of judges critiques and the at-home voting machine.

As the French say, the more things change, the more they're the same and it will be interesting to see if X-Factor lives up to its hype. If initial ratings are an indication, American Idol has the numbers but it's still the early stages. To its credit, X-Factor doesn't have an age barrier, which is the reason the world is better for having Susan Boyle. In as far as originality is concerned, the show is basically same-old, same-old, IMHO, but some real talent was introduced.

At least the plethora of shows is giving singers, both good and bad, accross the country the opportunity to be heard. Let's be honest: it's an entertaining aspect of the programs. Always interesting to see how off-key some of the contestants can be. At least I restrict my singing to the shower.

Oh joy - another birthday

Last week I became one year older. Actually, I didn't have any choice in the matter. That's the problem with birthdays. It's not like somebody calls you up once per year and asks if you want one. You just get it anyway. It's the gift that keeps on giving, if you get my drift.

This was a particularly interesting year in that unlike most people, I thought I was one year older than I actually was. Don't ask me why or how this occurred but most likely it has to do with not enough fingers and toes with which to calculate and math never was my strong point in school. Most people fix their birthdate to make themselves younger, which is understandable.

Thinking further on my miscalculation, it's interesting how nobody picked up on it. Perhaps they too didn't have enough fingers or toes or it was easier to take me at my word. I mean, who lies about being older other than teenagers? Right? On the brink of becoming a teenager, we used to make ourselves a year older than we were because - I dunno - it seemed like a cool idea. Or when asked one's age, we would always supply a fraction as in: "oh I'm twelve and a half." As if the half made all the difference. There was a mysterious appeal in wanting to always be older but as many of us (not all) age, we start to go backwards. Let's just say I wouldn't want all the candles on the cake for safety reasons and leave it at that.

Pyschologically, this has adversely affected me. The error was discovered by my husband, who picked up on the miscalculation during a pre-birthday conversation. Stunned at the discovery I jotted down the year I was born and the present year, did the math and sure enough it all added up. I'm one year younger than I believed myself to be! So the issue now is - how do I celebrate the missing year and what to tell people who ask my age. Most likely they'll say: "but weren't you that last year?" I mean, what does one answer?

Lots of well-known people have commented about birthdays and getting older.
- "Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang ‘Happy Birthday’." (Stephen Wright)

- “Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.” (Dave Barry)

- “Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.” (Jerry Seinfeld)

- "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." (Jerry Seinfeld)

- "A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
Erma Bombeck

For those who are trivial-y-minded, here is some trivial birthday facts in case you want to impress somebody with - well - birthday facts:

- More people celebrate their birthdays in August than in any other month (about 9% of all people). The two other months that rate high for birthdays are July and September.


- Close to 2 billion Birthday Cards are sent each year in the U.S. alone, accounting for nearly 58 percent of all cards sent.


- The world's largest birthday cake was created in 1989 for the 100th Birthday of the city of Fort Payne, Alabama. The cake weighed 128,238 pounds, 8 oz. and used 16,209 pounds of icing.


- The most famous rendition of "Happy Birthday" is when Marilyn Monroe sang to "Happy Birthday, Mr President" to President John F. Kennedy at Madison Square Garden on 19 May 1962.


- Paul McCartney's Birth Certificate was auctioned in March 1997, for US $84,146. It is believed to be the world's most expensive Birth Certificate.


- The Sultan of Brunei hosted the world's most expensive Birthday Party to celebrate his 50th Birthday on 13 July, 1996. The cost was a whopping US $27.2 million. Three concerts featuring Michael Jackson costs US $16 million of the total amounts.


- Anne Frank's world famous diary was given to her as a present for her 13th birthday.


- William Shakespeare's died on his 52nd birthday: 23 April 1616.


- A recent survey suggests that more people are born on October 5 in the United States than any other day. October 5 holds a not-so-surprising significance, as conception would have fallen on New Year's Eve.


- The least common birth date in the U.S. is May 22nd.

Thanks to modern technology and advances, there are new ways in which one is reminded of one's birthday. Like many people I'm a "Facebook-er" and this has given new meaning to the word "friends." Cyber friends want to mark the the day that they/we were born and to this end send birthday greetings. Really - I'm appreciative when people take the time to note my birthday especially since most don't realize that I've short-changed myself by a year. I've been dining in restaurants where people suddenly break out into a rousing chorus of Happy Birthday To You and I cringe. Not for me.

So now the question is which birthday should I celebrate and how many candles should be placed on the cake. My philosophy is keep them guessing.

Now you know: Madonna loathes hydrangeas

Really, I like Madonna. She's a great entertainer who gives her all whenever she performs. Having written that I was sort-of upset with her anti-floral comment made recently, following a bouquet of hydrangeas given to her by a fan. One would assume that a celebrity of Madonna's stature would be gracious and smile, thank the fan and then do whatever she wants with the flowers away from public view.

Right? Wrong!

Instead, upon receiving the flowers from the fan at the beginning of a press conference before her show and unaware that the microphone was on, the material girl commented:  "I absolutely loathe hydrangeas."

Okay Madonna - tell us what you really think!

She apparantly used the word "loathe." Not "I'm not too nuts about" or "they're not my favorite flower" or even go out on a limb and make a positive comment like, "what a nice gesture!" which would have been the  thing to do or say. She actually loathes them!  I mean, she could have just as easily said something to the effect, "Hydrangeas - I'm allergic," in the way of an excuse and then handed them over to one of her assistants or something, thereby eliminating hurt feelings. Am I right?

For the record she also added another little zinger aimed at the fan:  "He (the fan/hydrangea giver) obviously doesn’t know that."

Well Madonna and with all due respect, we humble human beings aren't made aware of all s*t*a*r*s* likes and dislikes that relate to flowers. True hydrangeas have large flower heads but therein lays their beauty - at least in the eyes of some of we flower lovers. She could have smiled, thanked the person who gave them to her and ordered somebody from her entourage to give them to a hospital to brighten a patient's room, don't you think? Can you imagine how delighted that patient would be if a bouquet of flowers arrived in their hospital room with a note attached signed, "Your friend, Madonna"?

Later, according to an article, Madonna's press rep told CNN that she is “entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the hydrangeas of the world ... No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers."

Once again this leaves one (me) to wonder what type of flowers are acceptable in her eyes? Anybody know? Anybody care?

These days a celebrity has to be careful of what she/he says with YouTube ready to capture the moment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-45U8RYhOH0

Now you know. No hydrangeas for Madonna.

Power to the shoppers and their shopping habits

Recently, I wrote a short play-ette in my A. Playwright's Rambling blog, focusing on the encounter of two women shopping for lipstick. Although it was exaggerated for drama and content, it was based on a real-life encounter as are many of my "Scenes from Real Life" Life experiences lend themselves as fodder for drama.

For whatever reason, shopping carts or maybe it extends to anything with wheels, seem to bring out the inner beast in some people. Perhaps it's a skewed feeling of power in that they control a vehicle be it a means to hold food items, which could in theory give them muscle over other shoppers. This is particularly noticeable when lining up at the cash to pay. During a big sale at a supermarket, I watched two females (but it just as easily could have been males) actually sling verbal accusations at each other focusing on who was went before while waiting to pay. I mean, really.

Related to this is the quest for parking place and the need to be close to a mall entrance. Shoppers for whatever reason - laziness springs to mind - will drive around and around in tight groups, one car behind the other, ready to spring into action lest a car be spotted pulling out of a space near the door. As a shopper I've been followed by a lineup of ve-hi-cles while walking to retrieve my car. Usually, it's located two rows over from where I'm searching and upon arrival at my destination, the cars are already waiting for my departure. What's the difference if you have to walk a few feet more is my philosophy.

Thinking further perhaps it goes back to our basic survival instinct in that we feel the necessity to exend our superiority and strength in social situations. A shopping cart gives the customer control be it in a limited fashion, over her/his immediate environment. Then again, a parking spot is a parking spot is...unless of course it's 20 below zero in a snow storm. Then it's every man or woman for themselves.

What's that in the sky? Is it a bird...a bee...or space debris?

There are things on this planet that worry me. Not the kind of worry that keeps me up nights but concern me nonetheless. My latest worry is space debris and whether it will stay up in the sky.

I'm not the only one since U.S. scientists have warned NASA that the orbiting space junk situation is getting serious. I mean - really serious. A report issued by the National Research Council indicates that debris could cause fatal leaks or destroy valuable sattelites. Furthermore, the Council is calling for international regulations to limit junk and conduct more research into the possibility of launching large magenetic nets or giant umbrellas. Good idea although perhaps a bit late.

So let's look at these...unique ideas and their viability, at least from my vantage point.

What type of magnetic nets are we talking about and how would they be launched? How would the magnets be propelled around planet earth to scoop up the debris? If magnets and presumably magnetic force is involved, the debris at least in theory, would stick to the magnet(s). So if this works, we could inevitably have an enormous collection/blob of space debris sticking to each other while orbiting the universe. What happens, say, if it gets too heavy and falls earth-ward? Where would it land and more importantly, on whom would it land?

The other alternative, the umbrella has me puzzled. An umbrella as we know it flips open and is a protection against rain or snow or whatever. This would have to be one huge umbrella to be used against floating debris and what of the debris that is already floating around? Or...perhaps - just speculation on my part - a strong magnet first attracts the space debris after which a gigantic/monster of an umbrella opens up to protect the earth from descending junk. That's what it comes down to in the end: space junk.

Thinking further, perhaps we ordinary folk should offer the experts some suggestions. We can't due any worse
- a big - really big - remote battery-controlled vacuum cleaner
- pass on the assignment to Santa, who could make a diversionary pickup on his way delivering toys on Christmas Eve

I dunno but I'm sure people reading this could provide some ideas how to retrieve space junk. Pass them along and share them, people!

Meanwhile, these are some of the solutions that experts have come up with. http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/space/story/2011-08-31/Solutions-sought-for-growing-space-junk-problem/50207662/1

In as far as cleanp-up efforts are concerned, in 2007, China conducted an anti-satellite weapon test which destroyed a decommissioned weather satellite, smashing the object into 150,000 pieces larger than 1cm. Two years later, two satellites - one defunct and one active - crashed in orbit, creating even more debris. I dunno...

There are presently 2,000 pieces of debris large enough to track from the ground, but smaller objects could still cause serious damage. Kind of makes one want to carry an umbrella and look skywards, no?

There have been some near-misses with space debris narrowly missing the space station forcing its six crew to go to their escape capsules and prepare for an emergency evacuation back to Earth.

Even more scary is that the report makes no recommendations about how to clean up the field of debris, however but an earlier study refers to the Pentagon's science think-tank, the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency (Darpa).

The Darpa report, dubbed "Catcher's Mitt", suggested a range of technologies, including harpoons, nets and an umbrella-shaped device that would sweep up the debris. Harpoons? One miss and... The ultimate aim is to push the debris further towards the earth where it would burn up, or into a higher but safer orbit. Does this worry you as much as it worries me?

Some of life's questions to which there are no answers or explanations

There are issues we all face - okay that I face - which are most perplexing and to which there are no logical explanations, at least in my eyes. You know the type of inane thoughts that keep one up at night because they're so inane?

SO LONG SOAP OPERAS

As is the case with many TV viewers, I admit to watching soap operas or as many (okay - me) call them, "day time drama-dies." Most likely my attraction came about as a result of genetics in that my mother watched them when I was a child and I in turn absorbed the content (such as it was and is) over time and have carried on the tradition. My day time drama-dies of choice are "General Hospital", my favorite, and "All My Children." My mother liked "As the World Turns" which was cancelled a while back. Perhaps that act in itself was an omen or writing on the wall as they say. For their part, the networks are claiming that the rating numbers aren't there anymore. While I don't doubt this claim, perhaps had they offered viewers a plausible story line at least for "All My Children", which has turned into a sad joke with characters returning from the dead via a doctor who has somehow acquired God-like qualities. The shows in themselves can only be viewed as an escape from reality since everyone living in soap opera-ville are rich but don't work, become surgeons in six months to a year and never deal with real life situations like employment loss. Such is the appeal. Escape from reality.

Viwers who have stayed with the show over the years deserve better, writers and powers-that-be!

Word has it that General Hospital is also on the chopping block down the line and will be replaced by the new programs, "The Chew" a food whatever and still another food preparation show, "The Revolution". Just what viewers need. I find it difficult to believe that day time TV viewers are interested in basically cooking lessons. That's what it comes down to in the end and what's with this sudden fixation on cooking? Not to dismiss the male cooks and chefs, are we returning to the olden days where the  woman's place was in the kitchen cooking meals? Count me out as a future viewer of both of these shows. In as far as General Hospital is concerned, the word is that Katie Couric is slated to move in with a talk show. Again, just what we need - still another blah-blah-blah program.

Pass...and pass again.

MY INVITES ARE NOT AND NEVER WILL BE IN THE MAIL

In addition to not receiving an invitation to "the" royal wedding with my invitation somehow mis-directed by the mail delivery service and now stuck with a hat, there was also no invite to the Kardashian nuptials. It would have involved the purchase of a new dress and an airline ticket so I view it as saved money. Being in the "older" age category, how did this Kardashian family become a fixation virtually everywhere you look? What makes them special? Anybody want to share?

WOOKIE - WHY?

As a blog writer, I'm still amazed that the "lost cat" story that still has paws from last December, and is still being read by people dropping by here? No new information has been offered or forthcoming at least yet, as to the fate of Wookie the cat, who lives or once lived in England. Whereabouts or even whether the feline is still in the land of the living is a mystery, as are the cyber surfers who are intent on keeping the spirit of Wookie alive. As mentioned in previous Wookie-related comments, any Wookie updates as to his fate is appreciated and shared.

ETC. ETC. There are other issues of personal concern like Twitter un-followers who have me perplexed, supermarket sprays gone amock, rude shoppers who use their shopping carts to block access to bargain food items and as weapons of pain, dented cans that are only discovered dented upon arriving home, packaged cheese that goes blue/green/rancid within a week or two of purchase, lipstick shades that look  copper/orange-y in pharmacy light but end up pink at home (what is this obsession with pink lip color anyway!) - it just never ends! In the last three months, I've amassed 5 "reject" lipsticks that looked rust/beige-y but ended up pink.

As my mother used to say: "what cannot be cured - must be endured." Amen mom!

Time to vote people! National Lampoon sponsoring 1st Nat. Lampoon Twitter Awards!

Seems that for whatever reason, as they themselves say: "just because" , National Lampoon is holding its first Annual National Lampoon Twitter Awards. Kind'a weird that National Lampoon is sponsoring Twitter Awards and not Twitter itself but then - why not. I mean, there are enough twits who tweet (yes - including moi before you ask).


According to the write-up on the NL site, the people or at least presumably a lot of the people at National Lampoon have in their words, "fallen in love with the Twitter Machine." They explain their attachment to the site due to "the amazingly funny and talented people on it."

The voting system will be broken down into categories, many of which - how shall one put it - are "different." Two rounds of voting will be held and in the first round currently open, they've offered some of their own suggestions on where to place your "X" or "Y"...or whatever. There is also a "other"square for write-in names at the end of each category. Round two begins on Tuesday, September 6, where the highest vote getters will be narrowed down.

"Our goal here is to honor the men and women of Twitter who fight every day to keep our country honest, stupid, and funny… because in any society, comedians are the truth-tellers, and we need truth-tellers now more than ever," National Lampoon opines.

In any case and for the record, I'm toying with adding a write-in for Bronz Zoo Cobra since there is no category listed for talented animals or escaped zoo denizens. After all - his (the snake) escape did make hisssssstory.

A list of the various categories and for people wanting to exercise their vote, let your fingers do the walking to http://nationallampoon.com/twitterawards

I'll be back to announce the preliminary winners. So who'd you vote for?



Something corny is at hand

Fresh corn on the cob has arrived in local supermarkets. This in itself is an anticipated event since we all - at least many of us anyway - enjoy when teeth-meets-corn kernels. Nothing like a hot boiled, crunchy corn on the cob accompanied by your grease-of-choice dripping down the sides.

The eating side of corn is great but what's not agreeable is the way supposedly civilized people act in front of the corn display. Surpermarkets usually provide an empty bin in which to toss discarded ears of corn (that sounds so barbaric!) but for whatever reason - laziness springs to mind - corn lovers prefer to drop corn leaves and rejected cobs directly on to the floor. This in itself is bad enough but the act of selecting corn turns otherwise "normal" surpermarket shoppers into discourteous oafs. In order to get at what they believe to be the primo corn, hips become shoving weapons as do flaying arms that seek out cobs located at the very bottom of the corn display. It's also somewhat disturbing, at least to me, how people seek only the perfect, blemish-less cobs with no signs of insects or color imperfection, while a large portion of the world goes starving.

I like the multi-colored corn and take it with a dish of salt and some low-fat margarine, although purists would suggest that only butter would do. Although there are special corn-eating tools available, we eat ours with our hands and the help of napkins - lots of napkins that disintegrate almost immediately. Still, we have to watch our manners...

Also on sale this week are the giant cherries with no empty containers provided for discarded cherry pits. Watched a cherry shopper/taster this week take a hand full of cherries in his hand and slowly but methodically go through them while walking around the produce dept., spitting out the pits on to the floor as he walked. Nothing like slipping on pits and corn leaves to make an unforgettable shopping experience.

To complete my shopping experience, the produce spray has gone amok. Where only fresh vegetables are normally sprayed (and sprayed and...), it now provides a face wash for unsuspecting shoppers and of course, no means in which to dry off. Nothing like shopping with a wet face and makeup dripping off.  Gotta love the experience!

OTOH and just in case one needs a one-on-one instruction, here's crunch-by-crunch instructions on how to best eat corn: http://www.wikihow.com/Eat-Corn-on-the-Cob

Personal poll out of curiousity:

- how do you prepare your corn?
a) barbeque b) boiled c)microwaved

- how do you eat your corn?
a) as is - no butter et al
b) lots of butter
c) margarine and/or other grease?

- how many corns can you eat?
1...2...more?

Bert and Ernie - a lasting friendship

As a long-time admirer of Burt and Ernie, it never occurred to me that there could be something more, something deeper than a mere surface friendship. Over the years and along with my children who now have children of their own, I watched the muppet-puppets live out their lives on Sesame Street along with millions of childen who watched Burt take a bath along with his ever-present, rubber ducky. Seems that according to the view of some people, there was and still is, something more than mere friendship involved.

Perhaps it's because I never considered the pair more than mere puppets on a children's television show. True they have lived together for a long period of time but again keeping things in perspective, they are one of the learning tools used to educate a viewing audience. However, there are some who believe that their relationship longevity is an indication that the duo share more than mere friendship. To this end a petition has been distributed to have the two puppets - accent on the puppets - get married. So far more than 900 people have signed to support the idea. In response and for its part, Sesame Workshop, the nonprofit group behind Sesame Street, responded to the request saying Bert and Ernie are "identified as male characters," but "remain puppets and do not have a sexual orientation."

Really, in the end, why the necessity to examine or seek a deeper meaning into what is essentially, characters in a children's TV show? Why can't they be just two puppet friends who are sharing living quarters? It happens in real life so it seems perfectly logical that art imitates life especially when the whole concept of Sesame Street is a group of friends living on a street. Let individual viewers interpret Burt and Ernie's friendship as they see it and parents/guardians answer questions regarding the puppet's living arrangements when called upon. If it ain't broke - don't fix it.

Duchess gives away fortune all for love

Came accross an interesting piece about an 85 year old Duchess in Spain, who is marrying a man 24 years younger. This in itself isn't news but what makes this story interesting is that the Duchess Maria del Rosario Cayetana Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Francisca Fitz-James is a multi-millionaire, and to underline that their relationship is based on real love, she is giving away all her worldly possessions including big buckeroonies.

The Duchess, who is one of the wealthiest women in Spain, is estimated to be worth between $850 million and $5 billion, give or take a million or two, and one could see how the wealth could add to her attractiveness ("Oh Eleanor - you're such a cynic!"). Hence the decision to give away all her worldly possessions to prove to the world that love will pay the bills...or at least that her relationship with one Alfonso Diez, a civil servant is based on something else other than money and all that it can buy.In addition, her six offspring aren't crazy about the forthcoming nuptials and this was the basis for her decision. Really, in the end, the kids/grandchildren will be the real beneficiaries, being the recipients of her fortune.

"Alfonso doesn't want anything. All he wants is me," she had commented regarding their relationship earlier in the year.

Don't want to sound cynical but one wonders if this was before or after Alfonso was made aware that they would be living on love, alone. Thinking further about their relationship, why bother marrying at all? Why not just live together as many people do these days?

A further thought (too much time on my hands, obviously) in as far as the wedding is concerned. Having not been invited to "the wedding" (Will and Kate)...that is to say, my invitation having been lost in the mail, perhaps - just perhaps - an invitation will be/could be/might be forthcoming to this one? I mean - what would one wear if one was invited to a wedding of a multi-millionaire-ess Spanish Duchess who will have a modest affair having given away her fortune? I shall be checking my mail box in the event that an invitation could be wedged inside.

According to a report in a Spanish newspaper, her eldest son, Carlos, inherits the Liria Palace in Madrid and the Monterrey Palance in Salamanca, as well as the family fortune. Her only daughter, Eugenia, inherits an estate in Ibiza and a further 600 acres near Seville.

The duchess has been friends with Diez for several years. There were rumors of a wedding in 2008 but her children nixed the idea of marriage. Will be looking for wedding updates to see if the nuptials will actually take place. Wonder if Debrett's has a section on attending Spanish weddings of Spanish royalty that were wealthy give away their fortune for love...

UPDATE: October 5: the nuptials have indeed taken place. The Duchess wore a salmon, shin-length dress by Spanish designers Victorio y Lucchino. The bride expressed her happiness in an impromptu dance to the delight of onlookers.

Photos: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2045627/Duchess-Alba-marries-toyboy-Alfonso-Diez-lavish-wedding-ceremony.html

Dear Twitter followers and former followers - I'm puzzled

Dear Twitter followers, especially those who no longer follow me,

I'm puzzled. You obviously found my profile interesting enough initially to follow my witty updates. However, over time and for what ever reason, you dropped me. This leads me to wonder if there is anything I wrote or didn't write, which compelled you to make this decision.

For those reading this who are not familiar with my blogs - I have seven of them - they cover a wide variety of subjects including commentary about the times we live in (Gimme a Break), condo living, playwriting, gardening (used to be a passionate gardener before going condo), painting (my current obsession du jour), and the others. I mean - hey - there are certainly enough updates to pique your interest in one of my blogs, so what's the deal?

Okay. I have to admit that there have been occasions as I'm sure is the case with other Twitter-ers, in which I didn't return a "follow.". Let's be candid: if I don't or can't relate to a person's background or if it's an overt attempt to promote a service some of which relate to a sexual service, I don't reciprocate a follow. That being written, I'm curious. As an aside - I'm big on these - had four people drop me over the last few days. What can one say? Can't please all the people all the time or even some of the people some of the time. Right?

So...like...was it my photo...something I wrote....

Computer replaces pooch as best friend?

Came accross this piece, which caused the utterance of "say what?!" Unbelievable but apparantly true according to a poll, the computer is replacing the family pooch in the best friend category.

It appears that researchers discovered a mere 6% of those polled believe that most people rely more on their dog than their PC's, while 67% are of the opinion the opposite is true. Thinking further about this poll in general, why would researchers conduct a poll of this nature, anyway? But I digress.

More distressing, 38% of dog owners revealed to depending more on their PC than their dog. Another 36% disagreed. I mean, how can one compare the family pooch to a mere mechanical...thingie? Furthermore, dog owners in the 18-24 age category said they depended more on their computer.

Duh! A dog is a living, breathing companion that responds to external stimuli i.e. petting, interacting, walks, etc. whereas a computer is...there. True a pet can't compute sophisticated mathematical equations but your furry family pooch can offer emotional feedback and solace if the occasion calls for it. Your computer is just...there. Isn't that right dog owners and people who know and love dogs, reading this? You could one assumes, take your computer for a walk but would it care?

The poll by the way, was conducted by Computeractive magazine with the RSPCA. Two-thousand British adults were polled for feedback regarding the change that modern technology has brought to their home lives. Gotta wonder bout this stat that male dog owners are almost twice as likely as female owners to rely on their computer than a canine companion. What does this indicate in the scheme of things?

The company, Computeractive is working with the RSPCA to fight for justice against animal cruelty by raising funds for five prosecution cases of animal cruelty.

So whad'ya think? Is your computer replacing your family dog...or cat...or whatever?

Snore-free hotel rooms offered by hotel chain - really!

Snorers beware! There might be a middle-of-the-night visit by the snore patrol depending on your snoring level output.

Don't know how well this is going to go over with hotel guests but the Crowne Plaza international hotel chain is using a "snore patrol" and "snore absorption rooms" in an attempt, presumably, to cut back on the sound of people snoring. It's not bad enough that hotel guests have to worry about bed begs these days and now we have to be concerned with the noise level of our snoring...presuming of course that we admit to snoring, which many of us don't, but that as they say, is another story.

It seems that snore patrols - can't believe I'm even writing this - are presently patrolling the corridors of designated quiet areas of Crowne Plaza hotels in the cities of London, Leeds and Manchester, England. Why do these type of stories seem to take place in England. But I digress. Their task should they accept it - and they do it appears - is to listen(!) for offensive noises and knock on the door of guests who snore too loudly. Again, can't believe I'm writing this.

Thinking further about their task, there are other noises that are made from other activities other than snoring if you get my drift! Do you see law suits on the way?

According to an employee Snore Monitor, the snore team conducts floor walks to check for excessive noise disruptions, focusing on the main part on quiet zone rooms. Most likely, there are electronic devices on the market that can now detect the sound levels of snorers. Upon checking in, guests have the option of staying in a snore-free room. However, if a snorer checks in a quiet free zone and - well - snores a lot disrupting the quiet, they will be offered another room away from the "quiet zone" for their next stay there.

On the plus side, guests staying in a "snore absoption room" can anticipate the latest in snore control technology to reduce repetitive noise. We're talking here about sound-proofing on the walls, headboards, anti-snoring pillows and white noise machines, whatever they are, features that are designed to ease (but not eliminate obviously) snoring.

I dunno. Knowing that anti-snoring patrols are patrolling the halls is enough to keep a hotel guest awake in itself.

So there's a knock on a hotel room door in the middle of the night:

GUEST: Who's there?

ANTI SNORE PATROL: It's Amy of the anti-snoring patrol

GUEST: Who? You have the wrong room

ANTI SNORE PATROL: We were walking by your room and it appears you are snoring a few decibels above the allowed limit

GUEST: Say what? Whad'ya talking about? Is this some type of a joke?

ANTI-SNORE PATROL: We're very serious about our job. Should you continue to snore to the point where we feel it's disturbing other guests in this snore-free zone, we will have to move you to another room

GUEST: I don't think so! Expect to hear from my lawyer in the morning.

You get the idea... What next? Anti-coughing areas...anti nose-blowing areas. The mind boggles - at least mine does.

Wookie the cat presumably still missing?

Been trying to trace down whether Wookie the cat has been sighted or perhaps, but most likely not, found since he was reported missing in November of last year. People reading this might recall the story of Wookie and his desperate owner, one Mike Harding, who was fined for putting up posters in the hope that somebody would see his kitty and there would be a happy Christmas reunion. Alas, instead, Mike was threatened with a fine instead by the local council, which was eventually dropped most likely due to public outcry and adverse publicity.

Since sharing the story, I'm surprised that people still drop by this blog to read the saga and that the story still has legs. Most likely it has sustained an interest due to an ordinary citizen and obvious cat lover who was attempting to find his beloved cat but instead encountered local politics. People tend to take sides in situations where they feel a person has been unfairly wronged.

Given that there is still interest, I've been attempting to trace down any type of follow-up as to whether Wookie was found. So far, there is no information available from any news source. Anyone knowing Mike or living in the Bedford, |England, area, perhaps could provide some type of finality to the story or even Mike's e-mail address as a follow up to the story and an ending.

Anybody? BTW - Wookie if you're reading this - enquiring minds want and need to know!

Royal visit angst

Seems that Will and Kate, those royal love birds, will be visiting our neck of the woods so to speak, shortly. Once again another opportunity presents itself to be among royalty although still from afar, and give them the royal wave. You know - hand in the air, sort-of semi-circular movement but not all the way around. Queen Elizabeth has got it down pat but then she's had all those years to practice.

Then there's the decision as to whether or not a hat is in order, at all. I mean, what if one were to meet the royal couple one-on-one, then a hat would be in order one assumes. Accompanying this subject is the issue of whether one should wear a casual or formal hat, but for sure definitely not a baseball cap. Another dilemma, at least for me, would be whether or not to wear gloves and if so, should they be wrist or elbow length? Just doesn't seem logical to wear long-ish gloves up to the elbow with - say - pants, jeans or capris. In any case, these decisions call for yet another visit to Debretts for further consultation on royal manners for "what-ifs."

According to Debretts in their Royalty section, there is no accepted code of behaviour for encounters with royalty, "but adhering to the traditional forms of address will prevent anxiety."

Presumably, this includes no gum chewing if one is within viewing sight of the royal couple, and neither would cracking gum be acceptable. Another subject worthy of further thought is the wearing of panty hose. Would Kate notice if one's legs were bare and is it even appropriate to bear one's legs in front of royalty at all? So many questions with so few answers to these dilemmas!

To get back to Debretts, when being introduced to a member of the Royal Family men should bow and women curtsey. This subject was broached in an earlier blog entitled, "Meeting the Queen: what should one do?" if anyone reading this wants to know how to conduct oneself. A handshake is also acceptable. A bow should be made by bending from the neck or shoulders (not the waist) while briefly lowering your eyes. Lowering my eyes? What would happen - say - if one inadvertantly forgot to do this? How much of an faux pas would staring directly ahead be?

I can see the headlines now: "Royal goof - Ms blah-blah was seen not to lower her (or his) eyes while being introduced to Will and Kate." Could this be interpreted as being too brazen? So many things to remember.

Debretts also advises that should one happen upon a 'royal' during their time off, allow them the freedom to go about their business as an ordinary person. 'Assume that to royalty, being left alone is far from a slur; it is a luxury.'

Should one meet up with the royal couple while they take five at Second Cup or Starbucks, for example, one should not ask Kate or William to pass the sugar as a means of striking up a conversation. Neither should one keep any empty sugar packages that they may use, their coffee(or tea) cups for souvenirs.

Perhaps all this worry is in vain anyway, since they will be spending a mere few hours in our area. Thinking it all over, perhaps I'll just stick to practicing my royal wave and hope that they wave back. I mean, it's the least they could do.

What happened to supermarket manners and courtesy?

For whatever reason, shopping at the supermarket has become an excursion in bad manners, IMHO. Case in point: yesterday while waiting to check out grocery items in a line, the woman in front decided that she needed a pack of cigarettes - had to have those cigarettes right there and then. She asked the check out cashier for a pack, after which the cashier directed her to counter where the cigarettes were available. However, the cigarette-craving-female (CCF) expected the cashier to leave her cash and get them for her! After being informed that the CCF would have to go buy them herself, the woman asked the cashier and the line-up of shoppers one of whom was me, to wait until she went to buy a pack.

"I don't think so!" I told Ms CCF.

"But it will only take a minute!" she responded, starting to move out of the line in quest of her cigarettes.

"Why don't you wait and buy your cigarettes after you check out your items?" I told her, quite miffed at that point.

The cashier for her part, realizing that I was somewhat PO'd, jumped in and told the woman that if she chose to go buy her cigarettes, then she would check out my items first. Internally, I smiled. After a five second pause while the CCF considered her options, she left her items in pursuit of her pack of cigarettes. Meanwhile, the cashier checked out my items first until Ms CCF returned to her place in front of me, presumably happier for having a pack of cigarettes in her purse.

Then there's the people who feel they are entitled to taste cherries - note the plural form used here - as they bag them. There are no signs visible anywhere offering free cherries and/or taste-testing, people! One pays before tasting! A few are dropped in the plastic bags and the remainder of the cherries are stuffed into mouths, as cherry juice drips down the side of their faces. These are the same people who also spit their cherry pits to the ground or back on the cherry display. Nothing more disgusting than coming accross or finding a saliva ridden cherry pit during hand picking. Blech!

Also falling into this category are shoppers who strip the leaves off fresh corns and throw them on to the ground. Also worthy of mention are veggie choosers who press tomatoes and other fragile veggies like peaches, nectarines et al, to the point of leaving indented finger marks. Don't we all just love to eat fruit with somebody else's fingers on the surface? Again - blech!

Or how about people who remove the enclosure tabs inside orange juice containers for whatever reason and then replace back into the refrigerator display.

Not to be overlooked are shoppers who take the shopping carts to their cars without replacing them in the allotted area, allowing the shopping cart wheels to roll on to fenders.

In any case and to return to Ms Cigarette Craving Woman, last time I spotted her as I was pulling out of the parking lot, she was puffing away while emptying the shopping cart. Talk about money going up in smoke. Really.

Meeting the Queen - how does one conduct oneself?

Fresh from consulting Debretts on how to act if ever invited to a royal event or wedding, which as it happens I didn't have to worry about, anyway, since my invitation appears to have been lost in the mail, seems that we regular people have to be aware of social faux-pas or no-no's when meeting the Queen of England. Realistically speaking, few of us will have the opportunity to even be in the company of royalty, other than taking photos outside Buckingham Palace along with other visitors, but it's still good to know these things.

No less than President Obama, leader of the U.S. of A, breached royal protocol recently, when he inadvertantly made a toast to the Queen and then continued with a short speech. According to royal protocol, he should have stopped. The band, taking a cue from the Queen, started playing the national anthem, while Pres. Obama continued talking. Somehow, envisioning the scene, reminds me of a Monty Python sketch, but I digress. As I recall, the Obamas didn't receive an invitation to the recent royal nuptials, either.

So right now like me, you're probably wondering just what in the heck is royal protocol, anyway? Does it cover things like how to bow or curtsy (this has always been a stumper for me - I like to be prepared for these things), and etiquette that would cover issues like is it proper to spit or dip one's dinner napkin in one's water glass to wipe away sticky food from one's face. Stuff like that.

This mysterious - at least to me - issue of royal protocol goes back to a time when monarchs were accorded an almost divine status.

According to Dr. Kate Williams, historian at London's Holloway University, "From medieval times, monarchs were divinely appointed to rule by God, so they were kind of seen as gods, so they demanded to be treated as gods," says Dr Kate Williams, a historian at London's Royal Holloway university. "They are treated as people set apart from the rest of us, so primarily what it is creating is distance and grandeur."

This means one does not make any moves until a royal person moves first. For example, you wouldn't greet the Queen and her ilk like a long, lost relative by kissing her on both cheeks. Or speaking first by telling her that you love (or hate as the case may be) her hats. No hugs are allowed, either. Or using a cell phone to pick up messages and definitely no tweeting would be allowed. Bowing, according to Dr. Williams, is allowed and in fact, encouraged.

Presumably, there have to be rules in regard to bowing and/or curtsying. According to Debretts, my new "bible" for any royal "how-to" issues, have got this issue covered under the "Recommended Etiquette Upon being introduced to The Queen, and on leaving, a bow or curtsy is made" section. Take notes people!

- The bow is an inclination of the head, not from the waist.
- The curtsy should be a discreet but dignified bob.
- In conversation, address The Queen as 'Your Majesty', and subsequently 'Ma'am' (to rhyme with Pam).
- When conversing with The Queen, substitute 'Your Majesty' for 'you'.
- When introducing another person to The Queen, simply state the name of the person to be introduced:'May I present Mr John Smith, Your Majesty?'

However, not mentioned is how one measures a "dignified bob." Should the chin touch the chest area? Are winks allowable?

Royal protocol can be viewed as an expression of respect for the Queen.

This leads one (me) to wonder what the royal etiquette would be, say, if the Queen would visit the U.S. and attend say, a hockey game for example. Just thinking... Perhaps Debretts has this issue covered as well. Also found a section on Debretts covering seating arrangements, for future commentary. Meanwhile, I'll go practice my curtsies - just in case. You never know.

Kate and William wed - some last thoughts - and words

In the end, I watched Kate and William's wedding. Didn't even need a clock radio to wake me. Went to sleep pondering whether or not to get up but obviously my internal body clock sent a message to my brain to get conscious at 3 a.m. Once up and with the TV playing softly, I conducted a perfunctory scan of the various networks to see which one suited my personality. Sort-of disappointed in CNN although Piers Morgan, a Brit, was witty. Then continued pressing the channel selector buttons and finally ended up with ABC. Since everyone was using the same feed, it was the commentary accompanying the visuals that was the deciding factor. The ultimate celebrity interviewer, Barbara Walters, was professional and relaxed providing background commentary along with the ABC team including co-host, Diane Sawyer, and Robin Roberts reporting direct from London. Very obvious why Barbara gets to interview all the VIP's world-wide: she's good. More than very good - at least in my humble opinion.

All the networks had reporters interviewing your ordinary folk lining the streets waiting and hoping for a glance at the newly weds. There were people who flew in from all over the planet from as far away as South America to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, who excitedly explained that they were there to be part of history. All those people, many of whom slept for days in tents to get a good place, led me to wonder the bathroom situation. I mean, where did they - to put it in blunt terms - pee? I didn't see any porta-toilets, at least in camera range, but perhaps there were some hidden away behind trees or bushes or something. Still, that's a lot of people who had to relieve themselves, somewhere. Speaking of hygenic concerns and given the number of parade horses trotting along the streets, are royal horses toilet-trained, perchance, to avoid an embarrassing situation? But I digress.

The bride was resplendent in a stunning gown that suited her to a "T". As expected, female guest's hats were a cross section of personal statements including lots of feathers, flowers and shaky thingies. Some were actually visually nice while others were...interesting. Let's leave it at that Hopefully, the feathers were artificial.

One wonders what type of gifts they received. I mean, what does one give a couple with royal connections? A hand mixer? Coffee maker or a toaster? A gift certificate from Macy's or the British equivalent? Gift certificates are always a good option since recipients can buy what they need.

At one point I fell asleep but I'm not concerned since there will be wedding highlights on TV for the next couple of weeks. Probably longer. Tonight Queen Elizabeth is vacating the palace for the night, to the royal couple. That's a nice gesture. Then again, Prince Charles has set up a disco in the palace. Even a queen needs her sleep.

To watch or not to watch the royal wedding. Decisions...decisions

Can't even believe that I'm writing this but I've been thinking further about the royal wedding. Perhaps I've been caught up in all the frenzy stirred up by the media and don't want to appear out of the loop, if, or more likely when, the topic is discussed. In particular, the issue focuses on whether or not to get up at 4 a.m. in the morning to watch the TV coverage. Logically, I could record the program to watch later at a decent hour but somehow live broadcasts are more exciting.

What is obvious is that all the TV networks have sent a team of reporters or high profile personalities to cover the event. I'm wondering how close they will actually get or will they be joining the throngs of people hoping to capture the event for posterity. Most likely and being that they have special privileges, they will acquire a special area specifically designated for media. Your ordinary Brits and visitors who flew in for the occasion are sleeping in tents to ensure that they have a secure place to watch the parade pass by.

On Thursday, Barbara Walters, who seems to have reached the "I'm a special person and get to meet all the important people!" status will be examining the home and life of Queen Elizabeth. What's there to look at? She's royal, likes hats, does an amazing hand wave and lives in palatial splendor. That should take five minutes but guaranteed it will be stretched out for an hour or more.

So in the event that I'll watch, I'm thinking whether or not to dress up for the event given the early hour. I mean, I could watch in night wear but it seems so uncivilized, not that anyone would know. Perhaps I'll settle for a pair of comfortable jeans, my favorite piece of wardrobe, a nice top and maybe - haven't decided yet - a hat. Seems that hats are "in" these days but I've always found that they leave a helmet head shape upon removal.

Also, what should I eat? There are some frozen crumpets in the freezer along with my favorite berry jam and a cup of boiling hot (not tepid) tea served from a teapot, a slice of lemon, optional, would be appropriate. Actually, some finger sandwiches would add that certain je ne sais quoi feel to the event. So many choices...

So this is my dilemma. My apologies to William Shakespeare: to wake or not to wake. That is the question. Mr. Shakespeare would understand.

How to make a decent cup of tea in case Kate and William come to call

This is the week when all eyes, especially the media, are on England in anticipation of the royal nuptials. We are inundated with news about who is invited and who will be attending (not me), what they will wear and the wedding menu. Most likely the celebrants will be drinking tea, although coffee could be an option.

Being a born-Brit and raised on tea at an early age, over the years I have bemoaned the lack of a decent cup of tea served in some restaurants. The secret to a good if not at least decent cup of tea is to start with really briskly boiled water. Although this might seem simplistic, in my experience many restaurants can't seem to go beyond luke-warm at best. Coffee does not have to be boiling hot but in order to make a good cuppa as the Brits say, hot water is a must. None-boiled, tepid water is easy to detect by the thin white-ish foam floating on the surface. In fact, a quick glance at the water surface would be advisable before inserting a tea bag into the small tea pots. Frequently at restaurants, a signal to the waiter to replace tepid water for boiling water results in a bewildered look that says, 'lady -hot water is hot water is...' In my opinion and in my experience, tea will not properly steep if water is luke warm. Really. Tea should never be served in a styrofoam cup because it dilutes the flavor and most importantly, it's just not...done. But I digress.

My grandfather who came from Russia, used to drink his boiling-hot tea in a thick glass with a dollup of jam swirling around the bottom. One of my grandmothers also from the old country, used to hold a sugar square between her teeth followed by gulps of tea. Tricky but effective to obtain the full flavor of the tea.

Everyone is getting in on the Kate/William wedding celebrations including tea companies and Twinnings tea, which happens to rate high on my favorite list, has even created a special blend in honor of the occasion. According to the blurb on their site:

"To celebrate the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton the master blenders here at Twinings have developed a wonderful light tea, which is a White Earl Grey Tea with light flavours of Rose Petal.

Best served without milk (although, that's our choice, you are welcome to add a drop of milk according to your taste), this bright, sparkling amber coloured tea is perfect for your Royal Wedding Tea Party."

In other words - a very perfume-y flavor, perhaps not robust but refreshing none-the-less. Good tea as I view it, is like a good wine. Smell-taste-swish and swallow.

This leads one to wonder how many people are having Royal Wedding tea parties. More to the point, at what time would one hold a celebratory tea party, given the time varients around the world, since tea is usually takes place in mid-afternoon. For many people, the wedding ceremony will take place in the middle of the night but any time is a good time to drink tea.

The only thing remaining is the menu for the tea party and whether or not guests would consider attending at 3 a.m. in the morning. Be that as it may, the menu could include finger sandwiches with the crusts cut off of course because - well - don't quite know why but presumably they look better, scones with jam and cream, tarts (I'm partial to lemon tarts), petit fours and of course, a pot of boiling hot tea brewed in a tea pot.

So cut the crusts of the sandwiches, bake some cakes, pull out the best china and invite your nearest and dearest for afternoon or middle-of-the-night tea. Kate and William would be pleased.

For those who really enjoy tea and would like to try their hand at growing their own at home:
http://the-tea-site.com/growing_tea_at_home.php

On being cosmetically challenged

It occurred to me while conducting one of my favorite pastimes, which is hanging out at the cosmetic display that this is one growth industry and one which thrives on our vanity. Over the years I've bought, used and then tossed out thousands...maybe even millions of lipsticks not to mention foundation, eye shadow and other supplies after one use. It's not that I want to discard them given the price of these "necessities" but after bringing them home and applying them, they just didn't...work.

Right? C'mon - you know it's true!

Some people collect antiques. Some people collect dolls. Then there are others, like me, who collect makeup because we can't admit we made a mistake. Well...not really a mistake as such.

Cosmetic companies spend millions of dollars perfecting their products and still more millions in advertising in an attempt to convince us to try their line. If there is one sure thing in life in my humble opinion it's that a decent lipstick shade will be discontinued. It's as if the marketing department monitors the various shades sold (I'm actually sure they do) and then decide that purchasers are becoming to complacent and happy with a color and then pull it. Let's face it: a happy and contented lipstick purchaser means that all the other new shades will languish on the shelf. In dealing with this reality and whenever I find a decent lipstick shade, I buy at least three more in anticipation of their disappearance. A person can't have too many lipsticks.

Right now in my cosmetic bag, there are:

* 3 Oreal lipsticks, kind-of tangerine shade that I bought six months ago, which appealed to me at the time. I assumed they would be pulled. They weren't. I'm stuck with them. Could toss them in the trash but keep them just-in-case.

* 4 tubes of Maybelline lipsticks that were discontinued. I loved the shade...once. I'm bored with it now.

* 1 Luster...something-or-the-other lip color. Can't read the brand because the writing is miniscule. Discontinued shade. Loved it and miss it, still.

This leads one to wonder:
- Why the writing on the under-side of the lipstick is so small, anyway.

- Why can’t manufacturers use the sides of the lipstick cover to indicate the shade and/or number? Most lipstick wearers don’t carry a magnifying glass when choosing a new lipstick and checking the name given to it in order to remember the shade

- Why do long-lasting lipsticks – at least in my experience – all seem to end up in a pink shade?

- How come the plump-up-your-lips products cause your lips to tingle but do little else.

- Why don't all cosmetic companies provide testers for their products, especially lipstick? Why do shoppers have to guess if the shade is the one they're looking for?

There are also 5 bottles of liquid foundation (brand name(s)withheld)included in the collection, which all looked neutral-beige, the desired shade under store lighting but weren't when brought home and applied on face. Enough said.

- 2 eye shadow trios. Both tops are broken because the hinges always (at least for me, anyway) fall off and the subsequent broken pieces of shadow adhere to the sides of the cosmetic bag. Blechy mess.

- 4 eyebrow pencils of various shades of light brown...or what appeared to be light brown but all the wrong shades because they looked the correct shade in store light.

What's in YOUR cosmetic kit or bag and what have you thrown away lately?

Of goldfish racing, royal wedding TV watching menu options & other stuff

As a former caregiver of fish, both gold and tropical, there were times when I toyed with the idea of training a pair of angelfish to appear on TV to perform stupid pet tricks. Unfortunately, Frik and Frak (the fish) refused to be trained even when fish food was dangled within their sight range. Dreams of glory faded fast along with the acceptance that fish can't be trained. Maybe they have a rebellious nature - go know.

In any case, a Tacoma, Wash. bar that held gold fish races as a means of entertainment were forced to cancel this form of entertainment after receiving complaints from animals rights activists. Every Tuesday night the Harmon Tap Room would feature races in which cheap feeder fish from a pet store were "raced" down two 8-foot troughs. Racers guided the fish with squirt bottles.

According to the bartender, the fish were cared for when they weren't racing, but he admitted some did succumb. Not surprising. In my experience in fish raising, fish are prone to early death as in the day after adoption. In any case, following complaints, fish racing was replaced by beer pong.

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Talk about money not going as far as it once did... In Northern India, an army of termites ate their way through 10 million rupees or $222,000 in currency note stored in a steel chest in a bank. The damaged money was discovered by the bank manager when he opened a reinforced room in an old bank building. Over time, the termites had damaged furniture and documents and police have registered a case of negligence against bank officials while the termites go off free and fatter for the experience.

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This is one of those stories that makes one ask: "why?" A man in Connecticut poured -wait for it - $200 worth of gas on to a city street, after which he tried to sell the empty container to a scrap metal yard for $60. According to the owner of the scrap yard, the dump-ee dumped the fuel, which was dripping gas, as he drove up to the scrap yard. Most likely many people reading this would have been very happy to take the gaoline off his hands. Right? The dump-ee was charged with illegally dumping hazardous material. According to the dump-ee, he did it as a least resort after failing in efforts to sell it.

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Royal wedding menu options?

Meanwhile, I've been thinking about what type of menu would be appropriate while watching the royal wedding on TV, if it's possible to get up that early. Perhaps tea and scones with heavy (or low-fat) cream and fresh strawberries or strawberry preserves...or crumpets with jam...some watercress sandwiches would be nice... I'm open for suggestions...

The Royal Wedding List - minus my name

This makes it really official now and I must accept the reality that somehow, someway, my name did not make the royal wedding list and my invitation is not in the mail. Inject big sigh. Here I went out and bought a hat replete with fake-ish feathers and fruit and now am wondering when I'll ever wear it. It's not the type of hat that one would wear say...at a ball game, nor at the beach, so for now it will be stored away in a box in my cupboard in the event of another royal nuptial. There's always Prince Harry and gossip has it that he's seeing Chelsea Davey somewhat seriously. For the record, I'm putting in my name for a royal invite. Pass it along.

Wonder if Donald Trump was invited. Anybody know? Or Oprah? Don't see their names on the list. Also, if anyone reading this knows any of the people listed below, you could hint about the invitation over-sight. Just so they know for next time.

In any case, while cyber surfing came accross "the" official list and just in case I missed it, let me know if you see my name there. Talk about name-dropping...

If I had been invited, I would have wanted to make a statement with a hat. These definitely say...something, especially the "Spirit of Africa" model.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqGblSTYBOU&feature=related


Prince William and Catherine's List

Viscount Althorp - William's cousin. The son of Princess Diana's brother Earl Spencer.
Miss Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe - Stunning friend of William.
Miss Helen Asprey - The couple's personal private secretary.
Mr and Mrs Rowan Atkinson - Comedian and Mr Bean actor, and his wife Sunetra.
Mr Harry Aubrey-Fletcher and his wife, Hon. Sarah Louise - William and Kate's close pals.
Miss Annabel Ballin - Party planner is a friend of Kate's.
Mr and Mrs David Beckham - Footballer and his pop star wife Victoria.


Guests

Prince Harry's girlfriend Chelsy Davy (my hope for the next royal wedding invite)
Doctor Holly Branson - Daughter of tycoon Sir Richard.
Mr and Mrs Fergus Boyd - William's flatmate at St Andrews University.
Miss Jessica Craig - One of William's former girlfriends.
Mr David Dugmore and Mr Roger Dugmore - Safari park owners from Botswana.
Mr Mark Dyer and his wife Amanda - One of Prince Harry's best friends.
Mr Ben Fogle and wife Marina - TV star and a friend of both William and Kate.
The Lord and Lady Jane Fellowes - William's aunt. The sister of Princess Diana.
Alexander Fellowes - William's cousin. The son of Jane.
Eleanor Fellowes - William's cousin. The daughter of Jane.
Miss Rosie Farquhar - One of William's former girlfriends. An actress.
Mr Rupert Finch - One of Kate's former boyfriends.
Miss Alicia Fox-Pitt - One of Kate's oldest friends.
Ms Daniella Helayel - Kate's favourite fashion designer.
Miss Olivia Hunt - A former girlfriend of William.
Emilia d'Erlanger and David Jardine-Paterson - Emilia is Kate's old schoolpal. William and Kate went to couple's wedding last year.
Mrs Tiggy Legge-Bourke and her husband Charles - William's former nanny.
Mr and Mrs James Lowther-Pinkerton - Part-time private secretary to William and Harry. Captain Jack Mann - The polo-playing son of British mercenary Simon Mann.
Mr Willem Marx - One of Kate's former boyfriends.Lady Sarah McCorquodale and husband Neil - William's aunt. Princess Diana's older sister.
Miss Emily McCorquodale - William's cousin. Daughter of Sarah.
Mr George McCorquodale - William's cousin.Son of Sarah.
Miss Celia McCorquodale - William's cousin. Daughter of Sarah.
Mr Harry Meade and wife Rosie - Showjumper.
Mr and Mrs Edward Milbank - Old friends of William.
The Hon James Tollemache - Childhood friend of William.

Friends

TV star Ben Fogle and wife Marina
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
Alphapress
Miss Arabella Musgrave - William's first girlfriend.
The Duke and Duchess of Northumberland - Land-owning peer.
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson - "It Girl" is the daughter of Prince Charles's pals Patti and Charles.
Mr Guy Pelly - Party organiser and close friend of William and Harry.
Mr Guy Ritchie - Director of films (and Madonna's-ex) including Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.
The Earl Spencer - William's uncle. Princess Diana's brother.
Lady Kitty Spencer - William's cousin. Earl Spencer's daughter.
Lady Amelia Spencer - William's cousin. Kitty's twin sister.
Lady Eliza Spencer - William's cousin. The twins' older sister.
Mr Thomas van Straubenzee - William's closest friend.
Mr and Mrs Hugh van Cutsem - Another of William's close friends.
Mr Edward van Cutsem and the Lady Tamara Grosvenor - Hugh's brother.
Mr William van Cutsem - Third van Cutsem brother is also very close to William.
Major and Mrs Nicholas van Cutsem - Fourth brother, a soldier, shares military bond with William.
Sam Waley-Cohen - Gold Cup-winning jockey.
Sir Clive and Lady Woodward - World Cup-winning rugby coach.

The Queen's List
CROWN Prince of Abu Dhabi.
THE Aga Khan.
QUEEN Sofia and Crown Prince Felipe of Spain.
CROWN Prince of Bahrain.
KING of Bhutan.
SULTAN of Brunei.
KING and Queen of Bulgaria.
QUEEN of Denmark.
KING and Queen of Greece.
SHEIK Al-Sabah of Kuwait.
PRINCE Seeiso of Lesotho.

Invite

King Siaosi of Tonga, left, and the Aga Khan
GRAND Duke of Luxembourg.
KING and Queen of Malaysia.
PRINCE Albert of Monaco.
PRINCESS Lalla Salma of Morocco. PRINCE Frisor of Holland.
KING and Queen of Norway.
EMIR of Qatar.
KING and Crown Princess of Romania.
PRINCE bin Abdulaziz of Saudi Arabia.
KING of Swaziland.
PRINCESS Maha of Thailand.
KING Siaosi of Tonga.
CROWN Princess Victoria of Sweden.
CROWN Prince Alexander and Crown Princess Katherine of Yugoslavia.
KING of Cambodia is yet to reply.

The Political List
PRIME MINISTER David Cameron and wife Samantha.
DEPUTY PRIME MINISTER Nick Clegg and wife Miriam.
CHANCELLOR George Osborne and wife Frances.
OPPOSITION LEADER Ed Miliband and fiancée Justine Thornton.
FOREIGN SECRETARY William Hague and wife Ffion.
HOME SECRETARY Theresa May and husband Philip.
PM David Cameron and wife Samantha
Ed Miliband and fiancée Justine Thornton
CULTURE SECRETARY Jeremy Hunt and wife Lucia.
CHIEF OF DEFENCE STAFF General Sir David Richards.
CHIEF OF NAVAL STAFF Admiral Sir Mark Stanhope.
CHIEF OF GENERAL STAFF General Sir Peter Wall.
CHIEF OF AIR STAFF Air Chief Marshal Sir Stephen Dalton.
VICE CHIEF OF DEFENCE STAFF General Sir Nicholas Houghton.

Middletons' List
The Hon Brian Alexander - MD of The Mustique Company.
Mr Gregory Allen - yoga teacher.
Mr Alexander Bridport - banker.
Mr Richard Benyon - Tory MP.
Mr Tim Billington - horse breeder.
Ms Jeanette Cadet - head of rentals, The Mustique Company.
Mr Basil Charles - Mustique bar owner.
Mr John de Blocq van Kuffeler - chairman of Provident Financial.
Mr Martin Fidler - butcher.
Mr John Haley - landlord of Middleton family's local.
Mr & Mrs Anthony Henman - parents of tennis player Tim.
Mr Timothy Hirst - B&B owner.

On the list
bar boss Basil Charles
Kate's uncle Gary GoldsmithMr Gary Goldsmith - Kate's uncle.
Mr John Madejski - Reading FC.
Mr & Mrs Torquil Montague-Johnstone - the Middletons' neighbours.
Ms Philippa Naylor - designer.
Mr Ryan Naylor - postman.
Mr Roger Pritchard - MD, The Mustique Company.
Mr & Mrs Chan Shingadia - shopkeepers in Middletons' village.

Who is reading this?

Don't get me wrong - writing for me is like breathing in and breathing out. I love it. This blog and my five other blogs(!)(warning: shameless self-promotion) focusing on various subjects ranging from gardening, playwriting, rants, a funny romance soap opera, blah-blah...are a means in which to express my views on anything and everything and stimulate the creative side of my brain. However...today is one of those days in which I'm wondering: who's reading this? I mean, are there people 'out there' in cyberland who actually look forward to my updates?

The reason for my introspection is my daily look at the stats counter indicating the number of people dropping by to read the blogs and their country of origin. Perhaps I should have left well enough alone and eliminate the counter since it is giving me a complex. I'm of the belief that ignorance is bliss in some cases. Today for example and according to the counter, six - count 'em - six people have dropped by for a read on my piece about royal etiquette. You know - how to conduct oneself in case you're ever invited for tea with royalty. Go figure!

Furthermore, 29 live in the U.S., 11 are Canadian and 10 from Iran. Nine people from the UK, 6 from France, 2 from Australia, 2 from China, 2 from Germany, 2 from India and 2 from Malaysia. Let me make it perfectly clear that I'm thrilled that these people dropped by, for whatever reason. A reader is a reader is...

Still, it makes one (me) wonder why more people don't find my literary output - well - interesting.

My experience as a former columnist for a number of newspapers, has taught me what type of subjects people enjoy and move them to write letters or react generally. Politics is always popular and a hot subject, profiles of interesting people is another favorite and people enjoy seeing their names in print. As a blogger with a potential readership of millions, finding interesting subjects is a challenge so I write what hits my fancy at any particular moment or day.

Today, it's introspection day and pondering if it's all worth it in the end. Comments (when they're not spam) are always welcome but are few and far between. I suppose I continue because - really - writing is a compulsion and a habit I'm not prepared to break. I'm a communicator who loves sharing information and writing in my blogs is the perfect means in which to do this. Of course if anyone reading this wants to comment on any of my literary beau mots - that would make it even sweeter.

The children have left the building along with the other soap operas

Shocked initially but not surprised that two more soap operas have been cancelled. One of my used-to-be-favorites, All My Children, received its walking papers and now I'm faced with how to fill the hour but I digress.

Over the years there has been a deterioration of plots and story lines along with the addition and sudden deletion of characters. Some, as is the case in any soap opera, suddenly vanish never to be seen or heard of again, while others disappear for a while to suddenly show up as a twin of the deceased or suffering from amnesia or serving a term in jail... Things that we normals rarely encounter. The story lines were at least plasusible if that's possible living in Pretendville and seemed to have a direction to sustain interest. However, over the past year or two, missing a day or even a week of Erica's love quandries or Tad's PI investigations and the frequent appearances of love children didn't really bother me and therein lies the problem.

A soap opera or day time drama as some people call them, requires the telling of a story that holds the interest of the reader and in this case, the viewer. In the end, it's the story that is the glue to hold things together. Unfortunately, the writers of AMC seemed to have forgotten this. It was as if they were trying out various ideas and then if the ratings didn't pan out, suddenly try something else. The low ratings can't entirely be blamed on the viewers, who stop watching when they are presented with stupid premises that are...dumb. Seems that people are hooked on reality TV, which is where the industry appears to be heading. Cheap to make and attracts sponsors, which is what it's all about: $$$$$

Perhaps in the end, the TV soap opera which was a main-stay in the 1950's to now, has grown out of fashion with this generation. Back in the day as they say, there were stay-at-home moms who lived vicariously through the glamorous and exciting lives of soap opera heroes and heroines. Many women these days are actually out of the house and contributing to the work force, while teens and tweens are busy texting and involved in social networks.

It's sad to see their demise especially since word has it they're being replaced by talk and reality TV shows. How many talk shows do we really need or want to watch? As for reality shows - been there, seen too much of that.

Royal etiquette - what are the rules? Debrett's knows!

Like many people, we are still waiting for our invitation to "the" royal wedding. Somehow it must have gone astray in the mail, stuck in the same place our Publishers Clearing House cheque for a million dollars in addition to the backlog of lottery winnings. These things do happen.

So much pomp and circumstance and all because the Queen of England's grandson is getting married. Okay - so they're rich and they have royal titles and they live in splendor in a beautiful castle with antique furniture to die for. Still, they could have extended some invites to some of the people living in the commonwealth, like us.

Just in case my invitation does arrive, and a quick trip to England to attend the wedding is necessary, one should know exactly how to conduct oneself as to not embarrass oneself. The ultimate guide in this area is Debrett's, "the modern authority on all matters of etiquette, social occasions, people of distinction and fine style."

After checking my social agenda and assuming the day is open, there would be some royal etiquette that one would have to know when mingling, eating and socializing with the royals and their friends. First and foremost on my mind is the correct way to curtsy and how to address the Queen. Does one place the left or the right leg behind when curtsying and how low does the leg go? Is there a certain length of time one have to remain in the curtsying position and what happens if one has bad knees? Does one back up once the curtsy/bowing introduction is over or just return to the standing position?

"Hi there, your royal Queenship. How's the family?" somehow seems a too...common or trite greeting.

Or perhaps being Canadian and all, she would appreciate comments to the effect: "good picture of you on our money."

Most worrisome would be at dinner and knowing how to use which utensils and at which time. When out with friends we decide amongst each other which rolls belong to whom and even if one of us takes the wrong roll, we just pass them along and no harm done, however amongst royal types, one couldn't play, "pass-the-roll."

There are some general guidelines of etiquette offered by Debrett's.

- Napkins (one should avoid calling them serviettes) should be placed on laps, never tucked it into shirts (or in dress tops). Corners of the mouth should be gently dabbed, if necessary, during the meal. No grand wiping gestures with napkin (or back of the hand). Napkins should be placed, unfolded, beside the plate when leaving the table. Not mentioned here is what to do if one spills some - say - gravy on one's dress or shirt for example. Is it socially correct or acceptable to dip the napkin in the water glass and rub the spot, gently, or does one leave the stain for all to see? When seated, one should sit up straight and make sure one's elbows don't encroach on the space of the person beside one. How much space is allowable? One foot...two feet... No resting elbows on the table or leaning on them when eating.

- For meals served on a plate, wait until everyone has been served before picking up cutlery. One wonders the reason behind this rule. To ensure that everyone finishes at the same time? Anybody know? One would assume that it would be a faux pas to turn over the cutlery to ascertain the weight and/or to ascertain whether it's real silver - In a group dining situation, it's acceptable to offer side dishes around the table and hold them to assist the other diners In other words, pass things down but under no circumstances throw your roll or bread accross the table, in case you miss your target

- Mouths should be closed to keep chewing noises to a minimum. Lip smaking is a no-no as is talking with a full mouth. This means don't eat with your mouth open so that everyone around you can see the saliva and ground up food moving up-and-down and from side-to-side. This is like...so gross! Or don't make like a chipmunk while storing food in cheeks and trying to speak

- Talking while there is food in one's mouth should be avoided at all costs - even when you have a conversational gem up your sleeve. Oh those Brits - "conversational gem up your sleeve..." Don't try to tell a joke, clean or otherwise, with a full mouth.

- Knives and forks should be placed with the fork tines facing upwards when finished - side-by-side - on the plate. This leads one to wonder what the consequences would be if one accidentally disobeyed this directive and left the tines facing downwards. Could a beheading follow?

So right now, you're probably wondering: what is the socially correct way to hold one's knife. No problem-o. Debretts advises that "a knife should be held firmly in your right hand, with the handle tucked into your palm, your thumb down one side of the handle and your index finger along the top (but never touching the top of the blade). It is never acceptable according to Debretts, to lick your knife under any circumstances, no matter how delicious the meal is. Presumably, the rational (pure speculation) is to avoid cutting one's tongue and surrounding areas with the unsavory appearance of spurting blood, which could spoil appetites. Furthermore, "when used with a knife or spoon, the fork should be held in the left hand, in much the same way as the knife, with the prongs facing downwards. On its own, it is held in the right hand, with the prongs facing upwards, resting on the fingers and secured with the thumb and index finger. A spoon is held in the right hand, resting on the fingers and secured with the thumb and index finger. Food should be eaten off the side of the spoon; it should never be used at a right angle to the mouth." This is all well and good but...what happens if a person is say...left-handed? Is it acceptable to inter-change which hands can hold which implements? These are important issues!

There are foods in which one wonders the best and socially acceptable ways in which to proceed. Asparagus falls into this category but Debrett's has this area covered too.

- The asparagus spear should be picked up towards the end of the stem, dipped in any accompanying sauce and lowered into the mouth, bite by bite. There's no need to chew through the tough, woody ends of the stems; they should be left neatly on the side of the plate.

- Peas: This was a real eye-opener for me. Avoid turning over your fork and using it as a scoop; instead, squash the peas on to the back of the fork. Utilise any aids on your plate, such as mashed potato. So now we all know there's a no-scooping-rule.

- Lobster: A whole lobster in its shell will typically arrive at your table already cut into two halves, allowing easy access to the flesh for your knife and fork. It is also fine to use just your fork while holding the shell steady with your hand. The big claws usually come cracked but if not you will need to use special lobster crackers. Once claws have been cracked, pull out the meat with a fork. If you want to get meat out of the smaller attachments use a lobster pick. I tend to stay away from lobster and all shell food, actually, because it is just too much work. Also, I just can't live with the guilt of having two beady black eyes staring back at me.

Next comes an important section focusing on managing stones (not as in the rock type) and bones as in olives, cherries etc. Pips and Stones and stones (cherry, olive etc.) should be discreetly spat into a cupped left hand and deposited on the side of the plate or discarded. One does not bend over a plate or handy receptable and spit out pips and/or stones.

- Pieces of bone should be manoeuvred to the front from where it can be discreetly removed with thumb and forefinger and placed on the side of the plate. It is not socially acceptable by the way, to dig around with one's fingers to find and remove the bone - unless choking is involved in which case someone must do CPR...but I digress.

- When serving tea, if a waiter places a teapot on the table without pouring the tea the person nearest the pot should pour for everyone. Biscuits should not be dunked in tea (or coffee for that matter) and slurping is a real no-no.

So now that one knows all the social niceties and the rules, the only thing remaining is the arrival of the invitation. As they say - it's in the mail. Anybody else waiting, too?

UPDATE: Seems that my name is not on their guest list to attend the royal wedding. Had my suitcase packed and everything... Oh well...

However, should I have been invited, I would have danced in a nightclub to be created specifically for the occasion within Buckingham Palace, replete with dance floor and dj. Wonder what Queen Elizabeth thinks about that what with all the noise and everything.

Whatcha watching on TV? Glad you asked

"So tell us Eleanor - what programs are you watching on TV these days?"

Glad you asked.

Well, as I've shared before in this blog, I'm watching this season's American Idol with the two new judges or whatever you want to call them. In my mind, anyway, the purpose of the trio is to select potential contestants and judge their singing talents accordingly. Having had reservations about the addition of Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, they have proven in my eyes to be kind of wishy-washy. While Ms Lopez is a good singer, her contribution to the show has been to wear gorgeous outfits for various designers who want their designer duds seen by the public. I have yet to see her wear the same outfit twice but then why should she if she has all the designers fighting to get their stuff out there. In as far as judging the singers, she rarely (if ever) has heavily criticized their singing, the reason for her having been chosen in the first place, one assumes. She does, however, have a nice smile and I like her makeup and hair.

New judge no. 2, Stephen Tyler, has a good voice and is an entertaining singer with a lot of charisma, however his judging is limited to praising...everyone. Rarely have I heard him utter any negative comments about the young singers and on occasion some of them have deserved negative criticism. He sort-of sits there looking somewhat bored. Relieve the man of his misery someone!

The Idol contestants on the whole are a cut above past seasons but it would add so much more to the show if somebody would tell them they sucked when their singing abilities...sucked. It will be interesting to see how Simon Cowell's "X" Factor fares against Idol and soon The Voice. The what?

In as far as Dancing With the Stars - what stars? Few of them are recognizable other than Kirstie Alley and Ralph Macchio, who I remember from The Karate Kid. Boxer Sugar Ray Leonard has some recognition but who are the rest? As a former - not current - viewer of the show, the nimble-footed professionals dancing with the not-so-nimble stars was an entertaining way to spend an hour. Somehow knowing that there are no...stars to speak of, I'm passing on the show.

Also enjoy watching:
Detroit 1-8-7 - great story lines and acting
Secret Millionaire - always great to see someone in the position to share money with those who can use it
V - love the vile Queen of Lizardness, Anna - so cold and...lizard-like
America's Got Talent - best thing that NBC could have done was to add Howie Mandel. A perfect fit for his personality
The Event - interesting at the beginning but slowly deteriorating into your 'seen that before' sci-fi series. It sure ain't no "Lost"!
Minute to Win It - tried watching the show for a minute but it didn't win me over Survivor - better this season but once Russell was voted off, it lost its appeal and is getting boring

So which programs is everyone watching?

Laugh it up! April is National Humor Month

"Humour or humor (see spelling differences) is the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement. The term derives from the humoral medicine of the ancient Greeks, which taught that the balance of fluids in the human body, known as humours (Latin: húmor, "body fluid"), control human health and emotion". ~Wikipedia

Once again as it occurs every year since 1976, National Humor Month is celebrated around the world by people who have a sense of humor. Perhaps even people who don't have a sense of humor but enjoy the mere act of laughing out loud, or in private, but I digress.

It's interesting to note that a month devoted to humor starts on April 1st being April Fools Day. For the record, Larry Wilde is responsible for the creation of National Humor Month, which devotes the entire month to laughter. His aim was and presumably still is, to heighten public awareness of how the joy and therapeutic value of laughter can improve health, boost morale, increase communication skills and enrich the quality of one's life.

Researcher, Robert R. Provine, a neuro-scientist engaged in studies of the development, evolution and neural mechanisms of behavior, has focused on studying laughter and observed thousands of incidents of laughter spontaneously occurring in everyday life. He shared his findings in Laughter: A Scientific Investigation (Penguin Books, 2001).
"Laughter is not primarily about humor," wrote Dr. Provine, "but about social relationships."

Among some of his surprising (at least to me) findings:

- Health benefits of laughter are probably coincidental, a consequence of a much more important primary goal, which is bringing people together. Not too sure if he's entire right, at least IMHO. Given the choice, people would prefer to laugh than cry. Right?
- Laughter plays a big role in mating. Men like women who laugh heartily in their presence. Won't touch that one with a ten-foot pole.
- Both sexes laugh a lot but females laugh more - 126% more than their male counterparts. Men are more laugh-getters
- The laughter of the female is the critical index of a healthy relationship. Again, this is a questionable statement. I mean, it would depend on the reason for the female's laughter. Is it at or with the person?
- Laughter in relationships declines dramatically as people age

Interesting statistic that females laugh 126% more than males. Perhaps - pure speculation and some observation - females have a better sense of humor. By laugh-getters I'm assuming that they prefer to get/acquire the laughs, which in turn the females will respond by laughing or in some cases, rolling their eyes.

Another theory of why people laugh professes that people laugh to assert that they are on a level equal to or higher than those around them. Research has shown that bosses tend to crack more jokes than do their employees. I would also imagine that employees laugh at their bosses jokes for obvious reasons, especially if a raise in salary is imminent.

Women laugh much more in the presence of men and men generally tell more jokes in the presence of women. Men have even been shown to laugh much more quietly around women, while laughing louder when in a group of men. Males could consider laughing quietly while in the presence of females to be polite. I mean, a loud, coughing and snorting laugh could be considered brash or socially unacceptable. JMHO of course...

Over the years researchers have explored laughter's effects on the body and produced some interesting information on how it affects us. For example, a study conducted by researchers of the University of Maryland studied the effects on blood vessels when people were shown either comedies or dramas and concluded that blood vessels of the group watching comedies expanded and contracted easily, while the blood vesssels of the people watching dramas tended to tense up restricting blood flow. More proof?

There's scientific evidence that it may offer protection against a heart attack. A study with results presented at the American Heart Association's 73rd Scientific Session showed that people with heart disease were 40% less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease. This all means that it's good for your health to laugh.

In honor of this month of merriment, here are some jokes. Warning: some are groaners.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Did you hear about the man who spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

Some questions worth thinking about:

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?"~ Steve Wright

Why is abbreviation such a long word?~ Steve Wright

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
~ Jerry Seinfeld

Don't know who wrote this but it best sums up being happy: "Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life."